07/20/2021
The Jungle has always been a scary place for me.
I used to find myself swinging above it in the trees, looking down, feeling “above” the mess. Stronger than it, better than it, performing for it. Seeing all its different parts. The mud, the water, the trees, the gunk, the leaves, the insects, the webs.
Noticing, and acknowledging the mess - such a high sense of awareness that I felt unstoppable. “I know exactly what my issues, struggles, and patterns are! Look I can see them right there….I’m so f*ing aware” *puffs up chest* but swings on by. Hoping to serve others on their journey through the jungle while I watch safely from above mine. In truth, I was avoiding seeing/meeting/being present with myself.
Sometimes when I swing, I do fall, and I land sort of on the outskirts of my Jungle. It scares me, as I’m standing on this new ground, shaking, hard to breathe, there’s a change in altitude, I feel it in my body. This shows up in my world as change, conflict, comparison, and overwhelm...I look around and assess, and safely look for a way in. This way in can show up as yoga, dancing, going for a walk, doing something creative, having a conversation with a loved one, etc. Nourishing my way back up to the branches, where it’s safe. Sometimes, this is the correct response. “Phew, saved myself”.
Other times, I fall and I’m a little deeper in the jungle than just on the outskirts. I hear voices coming from deeper inside the Jungle, and I follow them. It gets darker. Voices of unworthiness, of failure, of confusion, of delusion. At this point, I am further in the Jungle, and then this place starts to feel more comfortable, and real, and true. I think, “I could nap here. This place isn’t so bad. I can pile up these leaves and make a nice soft home of doubt and self-pity here”. “It’s what I need,” Shadow tells me. And sometimes I do, and I hang there for a couple days, and eventually when I make my way back above the Jungle, I am back swinging but the trees I’m on have gotten a little bit shorter, a little bit closer to the depths of the Jungle. I don’t really notice. Shadow has won, and gotten a little bit stronger. But I feel fine “now”, phew.
There is somewhere in the Jungle that I avoid. This space calls me to soothe before I get there, because it has almost taken my life twice. It’s dark, cruel, and really really loud.
For a long time, I haven’t known how to get out of that space, and so I would avoid it at all costs.
Recently, I have been working with two responses: Nourish, or Soothe/Avoid.
I have ignored “facing the uncomfortable space in the jungle” because I thought I did not know how to (this was also a shadow voice).
I have uncovered a shadow limiting belief that “I can’t do hard things”
This has shown up in ending my gymnastics career, switching my University degree twice (blessing in disguise), and processing really deep, really scary emotions. Believing I’m not able to get through it, I don’t even want to go near it.
Now, I am choosing to grow my capacity to process heavy s**t. To do hard things in general, to trust myself and to trust the universe (spoiler alert, I am the universe). I know that the only way out is THROUGH the jungle, and on the other side, is a new version of myself.
What going through the jungle full on looks like now: yelling, crying, asking for guidance, giving shadow a voice, naming the shadow, and yelling back at it. Swearing. Hitting, throwing. FEELING. Releasing.
I choose not to soothe, or sleep or quiet my voice. (This is where my shadow likes to hang out and where it re-charges and can get stronger.)
Now I say “Keep going, go, deeper, deeper. You can do hard things!!”
I come out the other side. An actual physical sensation rushes through my body. Tingles, light headed. Clarity...Disbelief in a way. Shock. Rebirth.
I am blessed with new energy. Light says “great job, you didn’t give up & you didn’t run”.
I’m on the other side now. Not away from it forever, as I’m sure we’ll play leap frog until I have embodied my new decision in full. But my capacity is growing. My toolbox is growing and the tools inside are getting sharper.
I write this out first and foremost for me, knowing that sharing it is clearing shadow.
I know that the part of me that wanted to leave this earth was shadow, and the more I notice how shadow shows up in my everyday life, I can feel ready to tackle it when it is blaring in my face.
It is not easy, but it is simple, and it is an on-going work in progress.
I know that the stories I have been telling myself are not true. I now choose to live my life in a way where I move beyond the fear that used to cause me to avoid what I am experiencing and feeling and now I know I do not need to bypass my emotions or what is true for me with positivity. I choose to feel what is arising and see what shadow patterns need to be slayed.
I do not need to perform to be worthy and neither do you.
If you would like to learn how to identify and slay shadows with me, shoot me a message & let’s connect. ♥️
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