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Bee.In.Harmony, London, ON (2026)

10/12/2026

Today, on Masking Monday,

we're going to look at BEHAVIOR as a mask,

to recognize that the words we say or the actions we engage in

may in fact NOT be as obvious as we think they are,

especially when what is under the mask is a bid for connection in order to feel safety.

___________

I've been trying to find the video from catieosauras to share with you regarding ADHD and the way societal-neurodivergent trauma impacts us. (A Bee.In.Harmony term, Catie only referred to it as good old "trauma.")

There's an interesting statement she made about ADHD brains looking to feel safe that really clicked and spun

Not one...
Not two...

But THREE potential BEE theories I wish neurodivergent researchers would look more deeply into if they haven't already.

___________

We already know that "ADHDers seek dopamine through novelty / interest / intensity, etc."...

But in particular I find very interesting the idea that it may be the case that

if the ADHD brain is not receiving an active "I am safe here" signal,

ADHDers, in combination with societal-neurodivergent trauma,

may be seeking that signal.

___________

Where my brain started shooting off is to look at some potential "HOW's",

and in doing so I recognize that these theories can absolutely apply to many other neurotypes.

We're especially going to see these theories and concepts play out for:

- ADHDers
- people with BPD
- autistics
- dyspraxics / apraxics
- non-speakers
- sensory-seekers
- traumatized people

___________

Biting, tussling, cute aggression, etc.

The mindset of

"pay attention to me",

because

"if attention HAS to be on me and it is good attention, then I must be safe"

___________

Ridiculous, abstract, out of reality questions like, "Would you love me if I was an ant?"

Because perhaps

"if I ask a ridiculous question and you play along with me or answer me lovingly,

then I know I'm in a safe space for either play or love,

which reaffirms or creates connection."

___________

S*x

On its own, it can be affirming for connection, but usually we have thousands of other mindsets wrapped up around s*x and it's these additional ones we really have to watch out for.

The idea that "s*x is connection" CAN exist, but this is so simplistic and riddled with holes if combined with any of the following toxic or factually incorrect mindsets:

- if I'm engaged in s*x with you I am automatically connected with / to you

- s*x cannot be engaged in the presence of certain emotions like anger

- s*x means presently engaged; if the body is engaged then the mind is engaged

- if the mind is engaged in s*x, then the body must also be engaged in s*x

- attraction = consent

- attraction = love (and therefore lack of s*xual attraction = lack of love)

- lack of attraction in the moment = lack of s*xual attraction at all

- partners are required to give each other s*xual attention

- s*xual spaces are not safe spaces, or engaging in a s*xual space does not mean we have to engage in safe s*xual practices

- being in a relationship automatically means implied consent
.. The list goes on. If you want more, ask me in the comments, it's huge!!

___________

The point is,

if you've been relying on s*x for connection,

there are probably a lot of other unhealthy mindsets impacting your ability to have a healthy relationship,

whether it's with your partner or even other loved ones you don't have a s*xual relationship with at all!

___________

Some of us have learned to self-therapize,

either as a result of the above methods and bids going continuously ignored or misunderstood,

and/or because many of us are also autistic which means we may ask more directly.

___________

Asking for Co-regulation

"Can you play a game with me?"

"Can you read me a story?"

"Can you massage me in a particular way or area?"

"Can we go watch our comfort show?"

"Can you make / we eat a comfort snack?"

"Can we go do our ritualistic event / meetup / celebration / destination?"

What's happening in the psychological component:

"I don't currently feel safe with you, but if you engage with me in a pre-agreed upon way that we both know are OUR natural patterns we've established,

I will feel safer through experiencing consistency."

___________

Asking for Physical Connection

"I need a hug"

"I need deep pressure."

"I need light strokes"

"I need a tight squeeze."

"I need you to push me on the swing."

The mindset behind seeking connection through these methods could be many things, including

"I feel

lost,
lacking grounding,
lacking security,
isolated,
disconnected,
disassociated,
depersonalized,"

Etc.

Basically in these cases,

"my body is telling me I am not safe,"

and I can seek relief by being held close and relaxing into your breathing or your presence...

___________

But what else do we FEEL when we are held by another person??

"I can feel you hold the tension for my fascia, muscles, and ligaments, which will allow me to relax the cellular tension I am continuously holding, and I will feel safe"...

Which leads me to a second BEE theory:

"Do people who experience EDS in fact experience higher somatic anxiety

BECAUSE on a cellular level

we are trying to maintain our bodies from collapsing??"

___________

Which is what led me further down the rabbit hole about my own experiences.

For me very specifically, I melt when my partner massages my face;

Here, the hidden mindset is

"you can't be mad at me if you're touching my face because if you care about me

because you have to navigate my eyes, nose, and mouth carefully if you care about me".

Now for me, I'm 99.99999% sure EDS is a factor, so the second BEE theory holds...

But I also know I'm dyspraxic. How could that factor in?

___________

Now announcing 🎺 a THIRD BEE Theory!!

"Is EDS and how it affects fascia something that should be considered when looking at dyspraxia, particularly verbal dyspraxia?"

What if the signals needed to galvanize those muscles into action

NEED to be sent out stronger or more frequently,

so the very act OF moving requires more energy and effort by the brain, let alone the muscles...

Which means people with dyspraxia

- looking heavily at autistics & AuDHDers -

are PRESERVING their energy when not speaking with the world?

That those who "struggle with executive functioning"

aren't only struggling because of ADHD task paralysis or autistic inertia,

but rather these events are

defense mechanisms helping these neurodivergents

PRESERVE energy that will otherwise be needed to move, to engage, to live???

___________

These last two theories in particular, I want to see more research conducted so people can understand we are

NOT

"just being lazy",

that our brains really are working overtime,

mentally and physically managing our existence with significantly more effort.

10/09/2026

I'm about to say something that you're really not going to like...

Something that is going to make your entire nervous system UNCOMFORTABLE,

to the point that your first instinct is going to be to either block me or defend against me:

You have not tried to help your child.

____________

This was in response to an OP who is asking for advice regarding their pr***en who "used to be a generally happy kid but now is miserable and angry."

But to be fair, I did start with a much more neutral response, which I thought was very fair given the language they'd used in their post:

"It sounds like two big potential flags:

1) Hormones - if he didn't have emotional regulation skills before, it'll be ten times worse now and NOT the time to expect him to self-regulate

- most likely co-regulate at a distance.

2) There are too many demands being made of him to neuronormatively assimilate.

I highly recommend following Neurodivergent Parenting: Think Outside The Box and The Occuplaytional Therapist;

It sounds like you're too busy fighting neurodivergence rather than accepting it and moving differently."

Somewhat understandably, they did not like that.

They "were open to advice, not criticism." 👀

Oh my dear parent...

____________

"I'm about to say something that you're really not going to like...

Something that is going to make your entire nervous system UNCOMFORTABLE,

to the point that your first instinct is going to be to either block me or defend against me:

You have not tried to help your child.

- medication
- OT
- three different schooling methods...
.. These are the things people SAY you should do for neurodivergent kids...

and some of them can absolutely "work," especially if your goal is assimilation.

But what do you do when you have a kid who CANNOT assimilate?

A kid who CANNOT mask?

A kid whose PDA is so strong, they resist the very assimilation training that would "help" them?

Here is a very difficult reality very few parents really want to hear:

Human beings are not wired to participate in the society we have cultivated.

We are not MEANT to sit for hours at a time, trying to focus on a particular task or subject - especially ones we are not interested in - for long periods of time.

We are not MEANT to resist our natural and HUMAN needs to move, fidget, engage in proprioceptive and vestibular behaviors.

We are not MEANT to reject what our senses are actually TELLING our nervous system about the world around us.

PDA... is best framed as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, because it is about protecting our autonomy, something that exists in all of us naturally that autistics, ADHDers, and many other neurodivergents CAN'T ignore.

Now here is why I started this response so strongly and so contrarily:

There are methods you have engaged in that have the potential to be neuroaffirming, to not be based on assimilation;

The simple reality is that if your goal was not assimilation, those methods would have worked. The exception to this would be if you didn't have a true understanding of boundaries, consent, and autonomy, which based on the language you used in your post...

Let's just say there are flags here that indicate your understanding of them isn't where it needs to be at.

And no judgment! Everybody has a process they are going through; everybody learns about these things at different times, MULTIPLE times, with different language that can keep being updated.

Here's the short of what I'm saying:

As long as you are trying to "get" your kid to do something,

you will continue to feel like you are failing and your kid will continue to "act out" and feel like they're failing.

Yes, this advice is critical.

It is not critiquing or shaming you as a person;

It's not even shaming you for making the choices you have;

It is critically examining your question, your experiences,

and giving feedback based on years of helping kids learn,

of working with kids who have a PDA profile,

of understanding the dangers of assimilation from a societal-neurodivergent trauma point of view.

You asked for advice; this is the advice I have:

Change your mindsets.

You are of course welcome to not.

____________

And I truly mean this by the way.

I've worked through any resentment there was of having parents, educators, medical professionals, and other authority figures dismiss my in-the-moment experiences, as well as the reality of my processed lived experiences;

I've truly let it go and accepted that everybody is on their own journey;

all I can ever do is give advice to those who are willing to consider it.

I don't hold shame for those who have learned until now to do things in a way that is assimilative or harmful to autistics & neurodivergents;

I do hold them ACCOUNTABLE,

and accountability feels like

shame,
guilt, and
malicious intention

to people who haven't worked on their own trauma and mindsets.

10/08/2026

"I can't seem to stop tripping over unseen boundaries. I try to message people from a second account to understand why they blocked me on the first account, and then they block the second account. My Deaf service I used to use yelled at me to stop using them, I'm not sure why."

_________________

So first, it's important to note that the advice I'm giving here is as an AuDHDer, raised hearing but always had Central auditory processing disorder, and changed to Deaf culture.

The reality is that in Deaf culture there are still boundaries, but in hearing and neuronormative culture there are a LOT more.

_______________

The biggest key to understanding boundaries is to understand consent:

"No means no," "No is a complete sentence," and "Yes means yes," are all important aspects to understand.

_______________

1) "No means no."

If a person says any form of "no," which includes disengagement, disconnection, ignoring, ghosting, etc., then it is NOT consent to continue engagement.

_______________

2) "No is a complete sentence."

While you may ask for a reason as to why a person says no, the reality is that many people view asking for a reason as also violating consent;

Many manipulative people in this world will use the list of reasons as a way to justify changing the other person's mind by changing the parameters under which a person said no.

"But Bee, some people will genuinely WANT to change their mind if presented with an alternative that meets their needs!"

Yes. And we can navigate that with tact by encouraging autonomy and consent:

"It's 100% okay you said no. I do have a potential solution if you want to hear it, and if not, again that is perfectly okay."

_______________

3) "Yes means yes."

Only:

KNOWLEDGEABLE

AND

ENTHUSIASTIC

consent can be given.

So not only does a person have to look enthusiastic, they must also be fully aware of what is going to go down, not just literally, but aware of the implications and consequences of what is going to go down.

This is why minors CANNOT consent, because as enthusiastic as they are...

As much as they think they understand the consequences and implications...

We as adults understand that they really DON'T; they're physically, neurologically, not capable, no matter how "adult" they may appear.

_______________

When we rewire our understanding of consent, it becomes much easier to see and respect boundaries in a way that is authentic to us as autistics.

There may be other boundaries we may trip over, and it is up to the other person to advocate for them and/or set them in place;

They do not owe us forewarning;

They do not owe us explanation;

And yes, we are allowed to be frustrated by the lack thereof while still accepting the other person completely has the right to do so.

Our frustration is not theirs to manage,

it's ours.

10/07/2026

Wednesday Affirmations: It Makes Sense.

It makes sense that today you blew your lid;

You've been trying your hardest to emotionally regulate, and between the

Sick kid

Difficult client

Micromanaging boss

Incomplete tasks

Forgotten tasks

Compassionate but unhelpful support
.. the garbage can lid being unexpectedly on the can FOR ONCE

threw you off;

NOW?!!!!! Why NOW do they remember???!

If you catch yourself before you just

!SNAP!,

that's great.

And if you haven't...

it makes sense.

Too many needs going denied,

Too much pressure applied.

So we COULD beat ourselves up about how we feel like failed us and our loved ones...

Or.

We could take a deep breath.

Recognize this is a sign to DO LESS.

And if it's a really bad one, it's quite likely time to play hooky;

Call in a sick day;

Turn in early;

Do things half-assed,

Not at all,

Or prioritize the "wrong" work by going gung-ho on it and using that to fuel the "should focus on" work later.

Give yourself the pep;

Eat the damn cookie;

This life is hard, and beating yourself up to do it the "right" way isn't always

- *ahem* IS it ever? depends on you -

the answer.

Give yourself permission to try a different answer today,

or even tomorrow.

You've got this! 💜

10/05/2026

Today, on Masking Monday:

"I know deep down that I'm just as valid as everyone else here but sometimes it's hard to believe that. There are times when I would think to myself "someone else has it worse than me so what right do I have to ask for accommodations?"

I'm not sure if it's because I'm disabled in the first place or if it's because my disabilities are invisible. The thing I'm certain about is that I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. That's why I'm hesitant to ask for help."

___________

When you start realizing disability is ALWAYS a social construct due to other people's deprioritization of the human experience, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to recognize that having a disability by this social definition affects MAAAANY people we don't "consider disabled."

It affects eyeglass wearers.

It affects the elderly.

It affects infants and minors.

(This is why ageism is under ableism as bigotry.)

___________

Just looking at the above 3 groups, you can now understand that EVERYONE is disabled throughout their life a MINIMUM of 2, ongoing times:

- birth + childhood
- near death

And that MAAANY of us will be disabled at multiple points along the way via illness or injury.

___________

Now it's absolutely true, not every disability is a MEDICAL disability;

and there are many disabilities - arguably all - where an individual gets to decide for themselves whether or not they are medically disabled.

___________

But every single disability is a SOCIAL disability because of the way society refuses to accommodate anyone who doesn't fit into a perfect box,

even the box for "disability" into which it has placed "perfect accommodations" that aren't even close to what many need 😮‍💨

10/04/2026

It's Signing Sunday here @ Bee.In.Harmony!

Want to communicate with others who know sign, or practice?

Hop on the discord server tonight @ 6:30pm EST.

https://discord.gg/MzCwb2HUy

See you there!

10/02/2026

Living in an echolalia house 🤣❤️

10/02/2026

Happy F**k-It Friday!! I wanna know:

What ways do you manage your storage and items that tell society to f*** off?

One of the common ones I've seen: clear storage bins, topless storage bins, cabinet doors removed so you can see things...

For me today, it was "use the 'wrong' box."

Use the box that's ugly, doesn't fit the room, doesn't match what it's storing...

Remove perfectionism from the goal of just getting the thing done.

Later you can get the "right" box and transfer things...
..though let's be real, ADHDers will too easily take stuff out and struggle to put them in the new one, and autistics will struggle to change things over unless they have sudden production of energy or a desire to play "matches."

Then again, if you have the room...

Use the "wrong" box for now. Later put the "right" box next to it, and as you use items from the "wrong" box you later put them "back" into the "right" box, then remove the "wrong" box when you suddenly have the urge to finalize your process.

Or conversely, maybe you NEED 2 boxes to put things away, a "used" box and a "in progress" box...

Maybe that's the way you need to think of a lot of your tasks, to be done in multiple slow steps over time, rather than a panicked rush to do things "correctly."

I'll give you a double whammy today:

"Leave a room, take a thing."

It requires a constant hypervigilance that is not comfortable for a lot of people, so I'm not saying that it's necessarily a good one;

I am saying that for me, between choosing the pain of maintained low vigilance versus the overwhelming pain of hopelessly mounting mess,

this one works for me and my lifestyle.

What are yours?

10/01/2026

An oldie and a goodie!!

You are NOT stupid.

You deserve to figure out what your needs are, and the follow them through.

For your consideration, the people I've seen be the most condemning of neurodivergent needs has been high-masking / neuronormative neurodivergents;

True neurotypicals - honestly, just don't seem to care.

So why are YOU hanging onto that wording?

Time to reframe:

It makes sense...

09/30/2026

You will notice I have not made 2 very important posts today.

One for recognizing the harm done to Indigenous cultures;

One for bringing awareness to NON-SPEAKING people.

Why?

In the case of the first, I have no desire to perform the work that frankly needs to be done every single damn day - not to mention the way many businesses, artists, and government officials have turned it into a sick kind of "pride day" when it's supposed to be a day of MOURNING is incredibly sad and typical of yt performative capitalism.

In the case of the second, there is similar performative work being done, as the day is referred to as "nonverbal awareness day." Sure would be nice if the NON-SPEAKING community was actually acknowledged and consulted the way we're supposed to be on *our day 🙄

"Oh but it's nonverbal AND non-speaking awareness day!"

Yeah I'm not interested in the performative aspect of adding the term we actually prefer to use for ourselves when the vast majority of the autism communities still refuse to understand the difference between the two (if such a difference *even truly exists!!)

Bee.In.Harmony

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