14/01/2026
As our first child to go through childhood without being s***ked becomes an adult and I ask if we got it wrong with not s***king and make note of the differences I've observed.
I have 9 children and of the 9, 6 have never been physically disciplined or punitively punished. And all 9 of my kids have heard me apologize many, many, many times for when I mess up and yell or resort to tactics like punishment. All 9 of my children have been invited to and do tell me how I’ve hurt them and I’m messing up.
Some people assume that if I don’t s***k my children or use punitive punishments with them, then my children MUST be out of control, violent miscreants well on their way in a life of crime by the time they’re starting kindergarten. Those same people tell me that my teens will be spending time in jail, lying, cheating, and stealing their way through life well before adulthood.
Now that we have 3 teens that have never been s***ked, ages 13, 16, and almost 18, did we get it wrong in not s***king them?
Main differences I see in our non-s***ked kids vs our s***ked kids:
🔔 Higher confidence levels.
🔔 Stronger sense of self-worth.
🔔 Less likely to become people pleasers (this one is REALLY big between our 3 older children and our 6 younger ones).
🔔 Predict natural and logical consequences independently earlier and more accurately.
🔔 Not easily intimidated.
🔔 More skilled negotiators.
🔔 Determined advocates for self and others
🔔 Lower anxiety.
🔔 Lower stress reactions.
🔔 Not embarrassed to admit when they don’t know something and more eager to learn.
🔔 Comfortable with hard conversations.
🔔 Able to work through difficult emotions.
🔔 Less avoidant.
🔔 Come to us quickly, easily, and early about their mistakes.
🔔 More willing to take responsibility for mistakes and hold themselves accountable.
🔔 Not as likely to attempt to exert power of others.
🔔 Collaboration is easier for them.
🔔 Less likely to blame others or beat themselves up for failure.
🔔 More likely to learn from failure and try again.
🔔 More open to always learning because they question more.
🔔 Ask for help easier and earlier.
🔔 Less combative about limits and boundaries, more curious.
🔔 More compassionate toward others.
🔔 Better understanding of boundaries
🔔 More skilled in expressing their boundaries.
🔔 More accepting of the boundaries of others without taking them as a personal attack.
🔔 Much more skilled with emotional regulation.
🔔 In middle childhood and teens, generally more calm and communicative.
🔔 Strong problem solvers.
🔔 Less likely to try to prove themselves to us.
🔔 Willing to tell us how we hurt them or how we were wrong.
🔔 Not afraid of adults- comfortable talking with other parents and teachers, will ask them for help, and will respectfully challenge them (including very calmly standing up to a teaching sub that was bullying another student who was sobbing, getting another student to go get the AP, blocking the sub from getting to the student he was bullying, explaining to admin what happened, filing a report with the district, being interviewed by district leadership, and having to make a witness statement to law enforcement, and eventually seeing it through to disciplinary action and the sub being banned from the campus… all at 12 years old).
🔔 Better conflict resolution skills.
🔔 More likely to stand up to bullies but with empathy that wins them over.
🔔 Better parent-child relationship with much lower stress and much higher trust.
🔔 Less concerned with disappointing us or making mistakes
🔔 Fewer mental health difficulties, particularly in the teen years.
🔔 Less social pressure that causes stress (the pressure is still there, they just don’t seem to be as stressed by it).
WAY MORE clear about what treatment they will or will not accept. They do NOT put up with boundary violations, abusive anything, or mistreatment. They spot it super fast and address it directly.
🔔 Actually more respectful with adults and I think it is because they don’t feel threatened by them.
🔔 Not motivated by fear, they understand that fear is a warning system for the nervous system rather than a tool for those seeking power.
🔔 More intrinsically motivated.
These are just some of the differences I’ve observed, the list is actually much longer and we’re learning more every day as our children grow.
Of course, this is anecdotal and hard to tease out from so many other variables (correlation isn’t causation, right?), but I feel those differences have become more clear to me in my own children over time. However, I observed these differences in my students way before and that is part of why we stopped s***king. Seeing our younger three also develop without being s***ked has been further confirmation that there are some distinctions that are noteworthy.
Did we get it wrong to not s***k? No, I don’t think so. We got it wrong when we did s***k, we got it right when we stopped. We’re not perfect and we’re still learning better ways and not s***king was absolutely a better way.
I’m happy to share more and answer questions. I work as a parenting educator, it is an honor to help others that are seeking understanding.
***Pic of two of our kids attempting to look like baddies for a school spirit week dress up theme day.***
