31/08/2026
🔥 HOW MANY CALORIES DOES YOUR MASSAGE THERAPIST BURN?! 🔥
Turns out, while you're lying there thinking “Ahhhh, this is lovely…”, I'm basically doing a low-budget gym session around the treatment couch. 😂
And the answer is...
🥁 300 CALORIES!
A 45-minute Sports Massage can burn me around 300 calories — all that leaning, lunging, pushing, pulling and attempting to make it look considerably less strenuous than it actually is. 💪😂
For comparison, my highly scientific HHH calorie chart looks something like this:
🐕 Walking Sam — 250 calories (allegedly)
🔥 Hot Stones Massage — 200 calories
💧 Lymphatic Drainage — 150 calories
🧘 Acupuncture & more passive treatments — 100 calories
💪 Sports Massage — 300 calories
So technically...
Sports Massage is my cardio. 😂
And apparently wrestling with a 36kg Golden Retriever comes a respectable second.
The important takeaway? This is exactly why I limit the amount of treatments I do in a day, because I need gas in the tank to make sure you leave better than you came in.
Also...
If I've done three Sports Massages and walked Sam, do not stand between me and my lunch. 😅
(Calories are approximate and will vary according to intensity, duration and the individual therapist.)