06/05/2026
I have been reflecting a lot lately on the idea of the “ego death,” and I don’t think it’s as literal as it sometimes made to sound.
To me, it has felt more like the ego slowly beginning to loosen its grip when it realises there may be another way to live.
And I think that happens in layers.
The moment we even become aware that we don’t have to keep surviving in the same ways we always have, something begins shifting internally. But it cannot all unravel at once. The body, the mind, the nervous system… they need time to feel safe enough to release old patterns.
Otherwise it would completely destabilise us.
I’ve realised recently that although outwardly it has felt like “nothing is happening,” internally there has actually been a huge amount taking place.
A deeper layer is integrating within me.
The understanding that I am not responsible for carrying everyone else’s emotions.
That I do not have to abandon myself every time I sense tension, distance, discomfort, or unspoken feelings in another person.
For so much of my life, I automatically absorbed the emotional atmosphere around me as though it was mine to hold, fix, soften, or resolve.
And I can feel now how deeply rooted that became within my body.
The pain, the tension, the hyper-awareness, the constant scanning for what was “wrong” around me… I think some part of me genuinely believed it was my job to carry it all so that everybody else could stay okay.
And there is grief in realising how long you have lived that way.
Not self-pity.
Not victimhood.
Just grief.
Grief for the version of you that learned love through emotional responsibility.
Grief for the years spent drowning out your own feelings to make space for everyone else’s.
Grief for the exhaustion of carrying emotions that were never truly yours to hold.
But there is also compassion there now.
A softer voice saying:
“I understand why you became this way.”
And honestly, I think healing sometimes begins there.
Not in forcing yourself to move on quickly.
Not in spiritually bypassing the pain.
But in sitting beside the version of yourself that carried all of this for years and simply saying:
“I’m sorry that was so heavy for you.”
And allowing the grief to move through at last.
