Joanne Reed Free to be me Counselling Services

04/09/2026

"I think I should be doing better by now."

It's something I hear a lot in sessions. Versions of:

"I should be coping better."

"It's been long enough."

"Other people manage."

"I don't understand why I'm still like this."

When someone says this, I'm often interested in the word "should".

Where did that expectation come from?

What do you believe "doing better" would look like?

Who are you comparing yourself with?

What are you actually struggling with underneath that judgement?

Sometimes "I should be doing better" really means:

"I'm exhausted from pretending I'm okay."

"I thought this would hurt less by now."

"I'm frightened this is how I'll always feel."

"I don't recognise myself anymore."

"I don't know how to build a life I didn't choose."

That's a very different conversation.

My Reflection:

Something I've noticed in grief therapy is how quickly people dismiss the progress they have already made because they're still grieving.

They tell me they're not getting anywhere and then, during the conversation, they'll mention that they're sleeping a little better. They managed an anniversary they had been dreading. They said no to something instead of forcing themselves through it. They talked about the person who died and smiled before they cried.

None of those things means their grief has gone. That's the point.

Progress in grief isn't measured by how little you miss someone.

Sometimes it's noticing that you're slowly becoming more able to live alongside the fact that you do.

If you're not there yet, therapy doesn't require you to pretend that you are.

We start with where you actually are.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

03/09/2026

"Why am I still grieving when everyone else has moved on?"

It's the kind of question you might type into Google late at night because you're not sure you want to ask anybody you know.

Perhaps it's been months.

Perhaps it's been years.

People don't ask how you are in the same way anymore. Their lives have continued. Your grief isn't mentioned as often.

Somewhere along the way you started wondering whether yours should have disappeared too.

It can be especially confusing when you're functioning.

You're going to work. Answering messages. Making dinner. Having conversations. Maybe even laughing again.

Yet something inside still doesn't feel right.

You still miss them.

You still have days that knock you sideways.

You still find yourself thinking about the life you were supposed to have.

So you start asking:

"Why am I not over this?"

But grief isn't something you complete.

The passing of time doesn't automatically resolve everything a death changes.

Sometimes what hurts months or years later isn't only missing the person. It's living with everything that came afterwards: changes to your identity, relationships, confidence, sense of safety and the future you imagined.

You don't need to prove that your grief is still painful enough to deserve support.

You certainly don't have to be "over it" because everybody else appears to have moved on.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

02/09/2026

You might find yourself looking at people whose lives seem untouched and feeling something you don't particularly like admitting.

Jealousy.

Resentment.

Bitterness.

Even anger.

Why do they get to worry about trivial things?

Why do they get to make plans without wondering how they'll feel that day?

Why are they laughing when my life has been completely turned upside down?

Sometimes there's an even more uncomfortable thought underneath it:

"I want their life."

Not because you actually want to be them.

You want the thing you imagine they still have.

Normality.

Safety.

The luxury of not knowing what you now know.

Grief can divide your life very sharply into before and after. Watching other people continue with their "before" can hurt.

Then you may judge yourself for feeling that way.

But difficult thoughts after bereavement don't make you a bad person. They can tell us something about what you've lost.

Sometimes jealousy isn't really about wanting somebody else's life.

It's grief for the life you thought you would still have and that's something you're allowed to talk about too.

If this is something you would like to explore, get in touch. I have availability.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

01/09/2026

“I thought I was doing better. Why does this suddenly hurt so much again?”

Maybe you’ve had a few steadier weeks. You’ve been getting through your days, laughing occasionally, making plans or simply feeling a little more like yourself.

Then something happens.

A song. A memory. A date. Someone says their name. Or sometimes, there’s no obvious reason at all.

Suddenly your grief feels overwhelming again and the questions start:

“Have I gone backwards?”

“Was I only pretending to cope?”

“Why am I still having days like this?”

“Will it always be this unpredictable?”

These are questions I hear often in my counselling room, and they can be frightening because we tend to think that feeling better should mean continuing to feel better.

Grief rarely works that neatly.

In my latest blog, I explore why grief can still catch you by surprise when you thought you were doing better, why a difficult day doesn’t necessarily mean you’re back at the beginning, and what can begin to change in the way you experience these waves over time.

If your grief has caught you off guard recently, I hope this helps you understand what’s happening with a little less fear and a little less judgement.

🔗 Read the full blog here: https://www.freetobemecounselling.co.uk/grief-resources/feelingbetteringrief

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

There comes a point in grief when many people start asking themselves a question they never expected to ask. I thought I was doing better. So why does this suddenly hurt

01/09/2026

One of the loneliest parts of grief can be watching the rest of the world carry on.

At first, people understand that you're struggling. They check in. They make allowances. They remember that ordinary things might feel difficult.

Then gradually, life starts moving again.

For everyone else, and that's often when the comparison begins.

You see people making plans, worrying about ordinary problems, laughing without thinking about it and talking excitedly about the future.

Meanwhile, you might still be trying to work out how you're supposed to live in yours.

It can leave you wondering whether you're grieving for too long, whether you should be further along or whether everyone else knows something about coping that you don't.

Grief doesn't work to a timetable and being able to function again isn't the same as having adjusted to what has happened.

You may be working, socialising, looking after other people and doing everything expected of you while privately thinking:

"How is this my life now?"

You aren't required to catch up with anybody.

Sometimes grief counselling isn't about helping you "move on".

It's about giving you somewhere to stop pretending you already have.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

31/08/2026

When people talk about healing, it can sound as though the goal is to become the person you were before your loss, but many grieving people quietly know that isn't possible.

The person you were before they died didn't have this experience. Didn't carry these memories. Didn't understand life in quite the same way.

Grief changes you, not because it wants to, but because profound loss leaves its mark.

The question isn't whether you'll become your old self again.

It's whether, over time, you can begin to discover who you are now.

Someone who still loves them. Someone who still misses them. Someone whose life has been shaped by loss, but isn't defined only by it.

Perhaps that's one of the gentlest ways to think about healing.

Not becoming who you were. Not becoming someone completely different. But gradually becoming someone who can carry both love and loss with a little more ease than before.

If you would like support exploring your identity after loss just get in touch to discuss how we could work together.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

28/08/2026

People often come to therapy hoping they'll stop feeling so overwhelmed and that does happen.

But the biggest change usually isn't that they stop grieving. It's that they stop being frightened of their grief.

They stop analysing every thought. They stop asking themselves whether they're grieving properly. They stop feeling guilty every time they laugh.

They stop believing they're broken because they're anxious, exhausted or numb.

Instead, they begin understanding themselves, and when you understand what's happening inside you, something quietly changes.

You stop fighting yourself.

That doesn't take the grief away, but it often takes away the loneliness of believing you're doing grief wrong.

People come to counselling looking for answers. What they often leave with is something even more valuable.

Permission.

Permission to grieve in their own way. Permission to stop comparing themselves with other people. Permission to laugh without guilt.

Permission to remember without falling apart. Permission to build a life that still includes the person they've lost.

That permission doesn't erase grief, but it can transform your relationship with it.

I have availability, just get in touch.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

27/08/2026

Many people ask this question with mixed emotions.

Part of them desperately wants some relief.

Another part is terrified of what that relief might mean.

The truth is, you may always think about them, but the way you think about them can change.

In the early days, memories often arrive without warning.

They interrupt conversations.

Wake you during the night.

Bring tears in the supermarket.

Over time, those memories often become less intrusive and more intentional.

You choose to look at photographs.

You tell stories about them.

You smile at something they used to say.

You still think about them. Just differently.

For many people, that change feels impossible to imagine at first, but it doesn't happen because you stop loving them.

It happens because your mind slowly learns how to carry both your memories and your life at the same time.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

26/08/2026

After a significant loss, you may notice something you weren't expecting.

You become frightened of losing everyone else too.

You may find yourself checking that family members have arrived home safely.

Feeling anxious when someone doesn't answer their phone.

Imagining the worst when they're a little late.

Perhaps you've become more protective of the people you love, while at the same time feeling terrified of becoming too attached.

It can leave you wondering what's happening to you.

The answer often lies in one simple truth.

Your mind has learnt that the unthinkable can happen.

Before your loss, death may have felt like something that happened to other people.

Now it feels possible. Close. Real.

Your nervous system isn't trying to make life difficult. It's trying to stop you ever experiencing that pain again.

Understanding this doesn't make the fear disappear overnight but it can help you stop blaming yourself for it.

If you would like to explore this further in therapy, get in touch to arrange a free initial consultation.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245

25/08/2026

Sometimes clients tell me they're more frightened by the days they don't cry than the days they do.

They'll say, "I had quite a nice day yesterday... and then I realised I hadn't thought about them for a few hours."

Instead of feeling relieved, they feel guilty. Almost as though their grief is slipping away.

The truth is, grief isn't measured in tears. Tears are just one expression of love and loss.

You can remember someone while smiling. You can carry them while laughing. You can love them deeply without crying every day.

The absence of tears doesn't mean the absence of love.

As grief changes, your relationship with the person who died changes too.

The memories become woven into everyday life rather than constantly overwhelming it.

That isn't forgetting. It's adapting to a loss you never wanted.

If you've been judging yourself because your grief looks different now than it did six months ago or six years ago, perhaps this is your reminder that grief isn't meant to stay exactly the same.

Love stays, grief evolves and both can exist together.

Best wishes

Joanne Reed
Grief and Loss Counsellor
Free To Be Me Counselling

Email: [email protected]

Telephone: 07594 720245