23/01/2026
Reflections on my Dark retreat
The photo is me directly after finishing the retreat, the white door behind me is the entrance to the room.
I just came out of a three-day closed retreat in total darkness.
Most importantly, I loved the dark. I felt safe and at peace with the dark and myself.
during the first 24 hours the dark (or my mind) showed me again and again where I have made mistakes in the past, where I still owe a debt, who I may have unintentionally hurt others, any confused and unclear agreements and deals I made, where I have not been honest with others and myself. I kept on seeing all the life situations that are like threads holding me down. As soon as my mind would relax pictures and memories of unresolved situations would rise and hold my attention. While that was not nice and close to overwhelming, it was as if the dark was showing me clearly what needs to be clarified, properly processed, resolved and released. I relied on my meditation and breathwork training to regulate my nervous system and look at these things without making black and white conclusions while also holding space, softness and potential in my energy field. (I also did not forget that I have created much positive impact, love, friendships and meaning in the world as well, so I wasn’t pulled into a one-sided spiral of self-negativity, just brutal clarity)
Whenever I slept, each time I dreamt a unique vivid dream. Animals talked to me, friends and acquaintances where often featured. In one dream I held a dying, soft, white lamb in my arms, I loved that lamb so dearly and it loved me back. My heart was broken with grief at the loss. It felt like we had shared lifetimes together. As it died in my arms the lamb cuddled into me and spoke
“it’s OK you can let me go, please look after my belongings for me “
and in my mind’s eye in the dream I saw its few belongings, simple thing but dear to the lamb.
In another dream I was stroking a dog that was lying on its back. The dog looked up at me and said urgently
„you have to push me away I am going to s**t“
I kept on stroking the dog and like a hose pipe being turned on it spayed diarrhea all over me in a constant stream of s**t, for an entire minute. It covered my face and cloths. When the dog was finished, I got up and washed it all off under an outside shower that was conveniently close.
In yet another dream a dear friend came to me, and we just walked together, talked and hugged. The strong feeling of friendship and trust was deeply moving and heart opening. The scene was full of friends and acquaintances sitting at tables, eating and drinking or lounging on sofas. One small detail remains in memory that for some reason many of the water glasses that where placed on tables or surfaces in the areas we traversed where broken.
I slept when I felt I needed to sleep (but was conscious about not sleeping too much and missing the opportunity to really sit with myself in the dark), I was still experiencing the effects of jet lag, and my sleep pattern was disrupted. I did not have a natural internal rhythm, so I just let go and went with it. (I would recommend recovering from jet lag before going into the dark)
During the wake hours I reconnected with music. I played my flute, my shamanic drum, practiced the Ney the Duduk and sung. Playing music in total darkness is amazing! My focus was so clear and my other senses where heightened.
I sat for long stretches in silence just letting my thoughts wander without judging what passed through my mind. I meditated on Tong Leng, breathing in all the darkness, sadness, pain and suffering of the world into my heart, transforming it into unlimited, unconditional love and streaming it back out to the world as white light (when my own stuff came up I transformed that together with everything else). I did several long breathwork sessions. I felt very connected with nature, the earth and the stars. I prayed to the earth, the elements, the sky, the stars and the universe to guide me and I prayed for the ability to listen to, understand and follow that guidance.
I let some old stuff go and the dark gave me clarity. Coming to the end of the retreat I felt positively empty (as if I had created space within me that was now potential for creating something new), grounded and at peace with myself and the world as it is.
The simple message that came to me as the retreat was closing is:
Make Music
Make Love
Grow food and compost your s**t.
It feels anticlimactic as a takeaway after such a deep experience but that was the simple essence of the message.
