02/22/2023
My Journey from Self Abandonment to Soul Awakening, Self Realization and Self Love
Three Years ago, someone I barely knew asked me a question. He asked, Jennifer, what does flow mean to you?
As I sat down to really think about this, it opened the door like an invitation for My soul to take me on the most life changing yet mystical ride.
I wrote this when I started my journey of Self transformation, rebirth and desiring union with my whole self. I am here, now able to share it as a completion of my inner journey as now I get to write and experience a new beautiful outer journey. A physical expression of my inner transformation.
🔑🔥💧♥️⚖️
“As long as you think you are the ego, you suffer attachment and endless sorrow. But, realizing you are the Self, limitless consciousness, you are freed from sorrow. When you realize you are the Self, the supreme source of love, you transcend the quality of life and enjoy the unitive state of non-duality.”
It’s the feeling of an insatiable search for this love in everything, everyone, you yearn for it, you cry for it, you get angry because you don’t have it, you want to die to feel it, you almost give up thinking it’s not there, that you made it up, but you think it’s your other half (a person), you pray to God to provide it to you thinking he will bring you something tangible, you become numb, angry, yet steadfast…
You let go and you surrender your heart to God, almost dying in his arms because you have reached a place where you have lost everything……
In this very moment of surrender, you are awakened, and when you receive it, in that moment, you are whole, you realize that THIS is the love that supersedes everything, THIS is the love that you have been feeling deep inside of you, missing, feeling denied by, and then it’s yours, you realize you have been loved all long, that the only person against you was yourself but now you know that you are protected, safe, guided, reborn, new, beautiful, divine love, an expression of divine creation, there is no more fear, no more suffering, all the pain and the past has been shed, and then suddenly the tables turn and you are overwhelmed by this love, you are protected, safe, loved, carried, adored, trusted, special, held, guided, and you almost feel like you don’t deserve it but all you want to do, is follow it, be obedient, fear no longer matters, you are never alone. You are now one with your creator and in the flow of love, light and abundance with all that is. Suddenly, everyone and everything becomes ONE. A beautiful ocean of LOVE.
This is my story summed up; however, the journey has been a long tough one but most of all beautiful to experience. I have always been very awake and in touch with my inner world, though I didn’t embrace it, I didn’t understand it because what I saw on the outside and what I heard was that I was too weird, or not enough, or too much, too sensitive. I had no idea how to harness my energies or handle emotions.
When my mother passed away at the age of 21, I feel now that I just stopped living. I don’t think I truly knew how to cope with this loss and didn’t really have the support to guide me on how to handle this. I was pretty much forced into just moving on within days and went to work. After a period of time, I guess I was taking on the masculine role in life and became engulfed in my work, never slowing down, never embracing the true nature of my being a woman.
I had a huge void inside of me that I didn’t even know was there, and I realized that I had tried to fill that void with work, relationships, things, addictions, thoughts, food, etc. I was always seeking to fill this void with something outside of me. This lack of love, abandonment, grief, hurt, fear of the unknown, a lack of a mother’s love, security, safety and protection.
I developed PMDD which is very heightened emotional distress around the time of my periods and for almost 20 years searched painstakingly for a cure, being in and out of toxic relationships, depression, going from job to job, relationship to relationship, never really feeling grounded or rooted; I developed a thyroid condition and now I no longer have one. My issues just continued to get worse. I would have good years and not so good years but my mission was always in search for this fire that burned inside me. I had no idea what it was, but I knew it was there.
It was only until the past 2 years of my life where I was in the most toxic of relationships that I truly felt I was losing my sense of identity or rather, I had no idea who I was. I was allowing abuse, becoming abusive myself verbally, and had completely lost my sense of self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. After separating from this relationship which at the time I was devastated by, I was left to myself to truly face my inner truth. I have three young children and an older child and I now knew that I was going to have to become the best version of myself for me and them.
This is when deep inner work came, I decided I wanted to become a coach and I started doing my own inner work, my own healing, my own research and studying into the metaphysics, moon cycles, spirituality, dualities, nature, etc. This was a creative part of me that I was unable to really express in my relationships as it scared people. I spent a year focusing on myself and truly trying to figure out who I WAS and what this fire inside me was.
I realized that everyone around us is a mirror, that we all have dual sides to us, a masculine and a feminine side and the side that I had ignored for over 3 decades was my feminine side. I was at war with myself and it was projecting to my outer world. My search then became to integrate these two, create a sacred union, become whole within myself and help others do the same.
My intention was to remember my truth. The true essence of the girl that I locked in a cage, embracing her, loving her, supporting her, protecting her and allowing her to be seen, to be imperfect, to know her value, to know her worth and allow her to have the love and abundance that is truly meant for her.
She went into her cocoon, her darkest parts, and she awakened into a beautiful divine goddess filled with unconditional love and light and found her purpose on this earth… and that is to help guide women like herself to wake up and step through their fears and their darkness, harness the creative force that is inside of all of us and to know who YOU ARE. The real truth of who we are
My mission and purpose - TO SHIFT CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE ENTIRE COLLECTIVE – TO LOVE and bring us all into balance – LOVE
If we are persistent in our thoughts with light, even if a negative thought persists, the light will always cast away the dark, if we are persistent and keep doing it just like a chisel, it may be massive, and we just keep shedding light on it just keep doing it just keep doing it until eventually it releases… “habit, addiction, belief” you just keep doing it. It’s not that you aren’t getting anywhere, it’s just this is how long it is taking to get rid of it. trust knowing that any light shed on it will release particles of it, but if you keep adding it back, it’s a “pattern” - remove, then add, remove, then add. So, it could seem like you are taking 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, because if you aren’t persistent with your goal, it will not “stick, last” …. this is habit change.
Transformation – such a beautiful process, so intricately woven – like a symphony of so many parts, dancing together forming into the most beautiful angelic waves flowing of light, it’s not something that can be described, it is only something that can be felt, love. Love is not an expression of words, it can felt by a touch, it can felt by loss, but it is felt in the body, it’s as if clouds are lifting you and you feel weightless like you are floating and flowing into this beam throwing through you, waving your weightless body playing just enjoying…. Being… just being feels magical because there is no worry of and the concept of just being on a human level doesn’t and cannot be comprehended because it’s not of this dimension, in the third eye, the state of awareness, consciousness, you are floating in space in a river of light with love, but your body is down here on earth and when these two come together and you are able to merge them, if is by far the most beautiful peaceful experience to know that you are safe, loved, and guided…. As long as you are in the flow, connected to your source.
Surrender to the flow, the flow will carry you, just let go and let it lift you - flow is source energy – it is our source, we are just expressions, but we have a mission – we get consumed by the world forgetting where we actually exist, not where we came from as if we are stuck here and have to wait to go back, we are always there, but we are also here. We can go there any time because that is the only thing that is true, what we see here is just temporary, we just have to remain there but physically here (a projection) and we are untouchable, at death, I could know that people hold on so tight not wanting to die, attached to the material world forgetting who they really are.
The paradox is that if they would just let go, they would know it is the end for them as a human and immediately, they go back to this river of light/love, that is why Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body, our soul doesn’t feel the pain the same way as the body does, the body feels physical pain, the soul feels emotional pain – so the empaths and sensitive souls are feeling their soul, they are being shown who they really are, they feel different because so many people are asleep and have disassociated themselves from being anything other than a human in a human body, but the soul knows it’s just a body but one that needs to be cared for and still connected. The soul is the driver of the car (the body).
Our truth is awakened in the space between light and the dark
We are all love, the gift that we can all give ourselves and everyone, is to step into our fear of death and loving yourself, and truly LOVE ourselves the way our creator does.
