07/10/2020
Talk WITH not AT…
More and more (especially these days) we are hiding behind screens.
We text or email or IM rather than picking up the phone, sitting (6’ apart) across from each other, or zooming each other.
So we have monologues. We talk AT people. Rather than WITH people.
I say what I want AT you… send… you interpret it …. Reply AT me…. Send… I interpret it.
When we don’t have to look a person in the eyes, it’s so much easier to not be accountable for our words. You don’t have to see the look of pain on their face.
It’s so much easier to play keyboard warrior, judge and jury, than to actually face the issue and work through conflict.
Our interpretations are usually flawed. And we play corrupted stories on repeat until it festers into something much bigger than it needed to be.
And when we talk AT rather than WITH, we sling a laundry list of “issues” and tend to go in circles not addressing the ROOT.
Talking about what it’s not about.Because we don’t want to address the true pain.
We make others responsible for our emotions rather than owning the fact that we haven’t applied proper coping mechanisms.
So we verbal vomit all over them in words typed out that we think makes us feel better. But it doesn’t. Now two people are hurting.
Sound familiar?
How do you fix it?
1-Breathe. Deeply.
2-Do not reply… until you can respond rather than react.
3-Do not take it personally…what they said is about them, not you.
4-Ask yourself what your intended outcome is.
5-Attach a verb to it… To clarify. To align. To reconcile. To understand. To express.
6-Now what words and actions will lead to that?
7-Put it together like you would a PowerPoint- clear, linear, lead them to the result.
8-What is your request? If you don’t have a clear request, then you are likely using them as an outlet for your emotions and that will not end well. They can’t fix it without a request.
9-Ask if they feel good about the outcome.
10-Hug it out. Even if virtually or verbally. End it on a good place. If you can’t, you’re not done yet.
Take breaks as you need to - keep calm, focused, and loving.
And remember- the conversations you are avoiding are those that matter most.