24/01/2021
Idk if this is easy to believe or not, but I’ve got social issues.
I don’t really understand how to be a human, in that regard. Never have.
Over the years, yes, I’ve studied behavior and psychology - both through experience and in literature.
And with it, by about age 17, I intuitively deduced from algorithms + what I could feel empathetically to figure out always what I “should” do, say, appear to be.
Before that, it was always rough. A lot of bullying, social anxiety, humiliations, rejection.
I only showed who I really was to my siblings and a few close friends who were also weirdo alien misfits like me. Hi .
For 24 years, I lived my life like this. Be, do, say what I thought I had to do for people to like me. To notice me. To want to be my friend. To be presented opportunities.
To the point that I gulped the kool-aid of the religion presented to me, wore way more makeup than was comfortable every single day, got a whole ass chemical engineering degree I didn’t even want, and stayed in a partner relationship for years that didn’t serve me.
The crazy is that, at the time, I thought I wanted those things.
Even though having them felt like shoving a square peg through a round hole.
Unbeknownst to less conscious past me, it’s because I had a buried-deep, hidden, fear-based belief. The worst, right?
I believed that if I was myself, I would be an outcast again. Uncomfortable, not in my element, with no friends.
“Don’t invite her, she’s weird.”
Eventually, as I blossomed into my own rite - the ugly duckling🐦, turned swan 🦢...
.. I started to recognize that no one is normal, no one knows what’s going on.
Everyone is just pretending, even if they don’t know it. Accepting the reality they’ve been given.
My issue was never that I am “weird” or somehow undesirable. It was that I never accepted my reality and it’s perimeters.
I am a questioner, a boundary pusher, and a new idea starter.
“If you don’t fit into this earth, it’s because you came to make a new one.”
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘪𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴.