Selah Counseling

06/03/2026

Children don't have the same brain capacity that adults do.

The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, perspective-taking, planning, and flexible thinking are still under construction. When a child becomes overwhelmed by frustration, disappointment, fear, embarrassment, or exhaustion, those developing skills can go offline even more quickly.

What looks like disrespect, defiance, or attention-seeking is often a child reaching the limits of their current capacity.

A child who lashes out may not yet have the ability to:

Pause before reacting
Put big feelings into words
Consider another person's perspective
Tolerate discomfort without acting on it
Calm their body without support

This doesn't mean harmful behavior should be ignored. Children still need boundaries, guidance, and accountability.

But effective discipline begins with understanding that skills develop over time. We cannot consistently expect from children what their brains have not yet learned to do.

Rather than asking, "What's wrong with this child?" a more helpful question is often, "What skill, support, or capacity is missing in this moment?" "What feelings started this domino effect?"

Children borrow our calm before they build their own. And often, what helps them grow is not harsher consequences, but patient guidance funneled through curiosity that strengthens the very capacities they are still developing.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." — Colossians 3:21

When we see behavior through the lens of development, we can hold both truth and grace: the behavior may need correction, but the child may also need help. 💓 See if you can look past the behavior to see the signal.

06/01/2026

Language matters. How we use words, and wether they have shared meaning in the recipient's mind matters.

The more curious we become about what is happening within us, the more clearly we can discern what is happening around us—and respond with wisdom rather than reflex.

Reality is: Something can hurt without it being trauma. A disagreement is not always abuse. A different perspective is not necessarily gaslighting.

Sometimes those labels fit. Sometimes they don't.

Discernment is what helps us know the difference.

That kind of discernment requires us to pause long enough to think, feel, and listen to what our nervous system is communicating. 🧠

As part of breaking old patterns, it can be helpful to notice where your interpretations come from. Are you seeing conflict and tension as inherently dangerous? Or overlooking danger because conflict feels familiar? Those responses often reveal the templates we inherited long before we had language for them.

If every disagreement feels threatening, or every difficult emotion feels intolerable, there may be something there worth exploring.

Discernment is critical for self-trust 💖.

As we get more intimate with our inner realities and how we interpret the world, the more we get to know ourselves and can respond in a way that sustains our needs.

04/29/2026

In psychology, we use the word meta-emotions to describe how we feel about our emotions. For example: When I feel anxious, sometimes I feel frustrated and self-judgmental about feeling anxious. Other times when I’m anxious, I feel self-compassionate and accepting.⠀
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How we feel about our emotions has a major impact on how we cope AND how long those emotions last. When I felt guilt after setting a boundary, I used to feel frustration and fear ABOUT the guilt. “I shouldn’t be feeling guilty about this!” I would chastise myself. “I know this was an important and healthy thing to do, so why the hell do I feel so guilty?” I also saw the guilt as a sign that I must’ve done something “wrong” or “bad” ⁠— otherwise, why would this emotion be here?⠀
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Now, I’ve come to reframe post-boundary guilt as a growing pain. Like muscle soreness after physical exercise, my guilt after setting a healthy boundary is a sign of a workout that stretched a truth-speaking muscle in the name of long-term wellbeing. 💥⠀
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The less I have a history of exercising that muscle, the stronger the soreness/guilt might be ⁠— at first. The more I exercise that muscle, the more moderated that soreness/guilt will become as speaking my truth becomes second nature.⠀
Ascribing meaning, purpose, and intention to our guilt is important for a few reasons.

✨First, it helps us anticipate the guilt so that it doesn’t come as a surprise and catch us off guard, which can be destabilizing and compel us to redact our boundaries.

✨Second, it helps us built a resilient and compassionate relationship TO our guilt, making it more bearable to soothe through and, in my experience, fade more quickly.⠀

✨And third, it helps us recognize that we can survive difficult interactions and come out the other side stronger, making us more likely to self-advocate in the future.

Disclaimer: On a side note, if you have a certain type of anxiety - your intrusive thoughts may be trying to assign meaning to "feelings" of guilt on OVERDRIVE. If you struggle with unshakable fear because of intrusive thoughts that make you *feel* guilty (like you’re constantly outrunning guilt), and need to do *something* to manage those sensations - it might be worth getting assessed for scrupulosity or another OCD theme. 🩷

04/18/2026

04/18/2026

“Send me a pic 👀”

Ah yes, the modern-day peer pressure moment your kid may face that you might not have been prepared for!

(Or let's not kid ourselves - maybe we need it too! Dating etiquette can be rough out there).

Here are 5 cheeky, save-for-later comebacks kids/teens can use to dodge n**e requests and keep their dignity intact.

Light, a little funny, but still a clear no.

Because sometimes confidence + a little humor feels like the cleanest exit. 💗

However, please let them know they don’t owe anyone politeness when someone crosses a boundary. Saying:

“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“Stop asking or I’m blocking you.”
“I don’t trade in content—I’m more of a personality subscription.”
“Respectfully, that’s not happening.”
“Request denied 🚫 don't try again.”
“I’m busy being a kid, not doing that.”
“That’s a weird ask… I’m gonna pass.”

Are also totally acceptable answers too! 🤟👌

Save this for later—or share it with a young person who might need backup words when the pressure hits. 💬

03/27/2026

Peer pressure is real. Peer pressure since the internet blew up - UNREAL - and not in a good way. Did you know 1 in 3 teen boys are asked to share a n**e photo? Did you also know, if they do, the risk of su***de rises due to blackmail and shame? Giving kids 1 liners for this can be helpful in preparing them.

Here's 5 of my favorites that boys/girls tend to feel good about:

1) "My parents monitor my devices, so thats not an option for me.

2) "I really like you, but I'm not comfortable with that. I hope you can respect my boundaries."

3) "I like you without having to see you naked. I want that to be the case both ways."

4) *Send photo of black screen* "Here's a picture of me in the dark, that's all you're getting 😛!"

5) *meme or photo of noodles" These are the only noods I send.

I'll post some fun graphics to go along with this to keep for your teens. 🩷

03/27/2026

My son was about 4 years old when he heard Barney singing the "I love you, you love me" song. His reaction wasn't what I expected...

E - "Huh. I don't love hiiiim. Hmph!" (Obviously uncomfortable)

These little intros give such a wonderful opportunity to speak about trust, relationships, and comfort levels. A 4 year old already has such complex and developed notions of what feels right to them.

So where do we start in fostering intuition?

By using these moments as trailheads, or sign posts, to offramp onto deeper conversations! Opportunism at it's finest if you ask me.

Second, allow connection and curiosity to be your driver. That could sound like the following example:

- *Pause show* and turn towards your child with delight. "That's great you recognize that. What about him is different from something or someone you *do* trust?" -

That's it. Truly. Children are sophisticated trailblazers when we direct them towards the paths already there.

It would be easy to just say nothing, correct his tone, or try to "fix" just to move on which can be dismissive (Okay, it's just a song. You don't have to love him). But there is a great depth more in the moments when we can take the time...

These conversations help set up safety and boundaries for my kid in the long term. Those gut instincts are real you guys, and even if the narrative we put to them aren't always accurate - the initial feeling is one of our first and most powerful threat detectors! We want to make sure how kids' batteries stay working, and know how to tune into the signal.

I learned so much on that 10 minute "path" that may not have been easily replicated non-organically.

We also were able to have a short talk on strange behavior (a better substitute for stranger-danger by the way). If that's something you are interested in, I can post about that too. ❤ Just let me know below!

03/15/2026

As a therapist and mom who specializes in attachment, I often hear people wonder if my children ever lose it, and boy, do they!❤

After I swallow a sarcastic comment of, "They sometimes let me take a coffee break", I reassure them... I am a human raising humans.

With that in mind, I want to take this time to answer the next common question. How can you have attuned parenting without getting walked on? Attuned parenting is not permissive. So, I'll welcome you into a little moment of our home.

E was mad the other night. Very, very mad. He was angry about going to bed and didn't want to stay in his room. I go into these moments surrendering to the concept: Accept the feelings without judgement of *him*, and lovingly hold the boundary without judgement of *myself*.

After a couple attempts to leave the room, E was yelling and crying in his room with me there.
E - "I'm NOT going to sleep! I'm going to STAY UP ALLLLLLL NIGHT!"
Mama - "Yes. I can see you're not ready to go to sleep."
E - "I'm going to push you over and leave this room RIGHT NOW!" *hands up to push me*
Mama - "You're wanting to show me how badly you want to leave. I can't let you push me. If you leave, daddy or I will help bring your body back into the room."
E - "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I WANT TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
Mama - *Nodding*
E - *Gets close to kick*
Mama - "I can't let you kick."
E - "Yes you can! I want to."
Mama - "It is hard to hear no. When we hear 'no' it sometimes makes us want to kick to show people how angry we are. I see how angry you are. It makes total sense that you are angry. You don't want to be in here alone. You don't want to sleep. You have every right to be angry."

I let him cry for a while (it's less about filling the space with words, and more about filling it with my confident/calm presence - quiet or talking). He eventually said, "I'm just going to lay down. Not sleep. Not rest."

He continued to cry and as he did I told him, "You're doing a great job laying down. You're doing a great job not sleeping. You're doing a great job being mad at mama."

E - "I'm very very mad at you. As mad as a rocket to space with fire inside."
Mama - "Thank you for describing that to me, honey. That's a lot of feelings to hold. Mama still loves you with all that fire. You're doing a great job. This is very hard for you to stay in your room. It's okay to be angry, as angry as a rocket. Would you like me to rub your back or come back in a couple minutes to check on you?"
E - "Rub my back."

We were able to repair. I didn't need to lecture on how kicking hurts or that it can hurt feelings. He already knows. The idea "he isn't giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time" is a very helpful mantra to remind myself in these moments. Being a therapist doesn't preclude me from "the work".

To love an imperfect person, help them understand what I will and will not tolerate, and celebrate the areas of regulation creates a bonding experience in conflict. We are repairing from the moment the rupture or conflict begins. When the opportunity presents, connecting affirmations and physical comfort create the bedrock for healthy relationships later on. It seems counter intuitive, but children need to express the fullness of their messy feelings within behavioral limits *now* to know how to be the master of them later.

In total, it took about 15-20 minutes. But there were no punishments, scolding, things taken away, or lecturing. The emotions/behaviors rose and they fell. Connection resumed. And he was able to stay in his room the rest of the evening.

02/24/2026

I honestly love working with men. There have been so many times a male (as part of a couple or individually) comes into the office - having tried countless stabs at therapy before. But those experiences left them without traction outside of more performance or emotional scripts. Its rewarding to impart knowledge therapeutically through an attachment lens, and have everything start gaining momentum - to see them get real teeth in the game that's measurable.

Attachment work doesn’t replace men's strength.
It widens the margins their strength can operate in.

Because it takes another of type strength — the strength of ability/capacity — to notice, reflect, and choose differently:
“I see why I pull back.”
“I can stay present instead of leaving.”
“I can feel without losing control.”

This is strength that can stay, feel, repair, and connect — all at once.

It doesn't leave men weaker or softer. It allows them to be the sturdy cornerstone in their own lives. Not cornered in. Not scrambling or numbed out. And it's really beautiful to watch.

02/18/2026

Helplessness is this feeling of being “stuck” or trapped in a certain life experience, it can lead to depression and anxiety. It’s this core belief that things just happen to us, and we have no control over the outcome of our life. It’s a trauma response that makes us unable to direct the course of our own lives.

When you come from a home where you were always told what to do or what to want and/or constantly corrected when you made a choice.... You rarely had the experience of being listened to.

It's common for the subconscious mind to learn to repress it’s opinion as an adaptation to avoid confrontation in the home. Long-term this produces an adult that has not produced a decision making compass for themselves. ⁣

If you resonate with adult helplessness you may be:
- deeply fearful of criticism
- extremely risk adverse
- every task may feel completely overwhelming
- you can’t make any choice or decision without input from someone
- you aren’t financially independent
- you take the passive role in most situations
- low self esteem

With healing, being aware of our harsh judgement in our internal dialogues and developing self trust and confidence comes with releasing this pressure on ourselves. We can begin to understand that we are worthy of creating life on our own value system and begin to understand that we are not responsible for the emotional stages of others.