06/26/2023
Day 8 of my cleanse: I’m reading through old journals and started with the journal from this 2010 Dancing Freedom “embodied leadership” training where I was a trainer-in-training with Samantha Sweetwater (who has been one of my most potent soul guides this lifetime). It was at Arcosanti a gorgeous community model of holistic design embedding connection with people and nature into the design. It’s deeply moving to read the dreams, victories and struggles of my younger self and to witness how much I’ve grown and the common patterns even now 13 years later…
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In just the first few pages I’m faced with a mirror of much of my recent reflection. My 28 year old self was wanting to crack the code on how to make it work financially to take the leap into being a “star” (in Ali Katz’ entrepreneur archetypes) writing, speaking and facilitating transformational events. She was hopeful and tracking the blocks in the way that are mostly identical to what I’m still working through today… which goes to show that healing deep wounds/patterns can be slow!
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I have stacks and stacks of journals from the last 20 years I’m going to be reviewing, noting the patterns and flagging pages that would be good for a future book. Has anyone else ever done this? I’m curious to know a system? I considered burning them too but I’ve been saving them because a portion of it was intended to someday be put into published pieces.
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The humbling thing is that my younger self’s monthly budget was 25% what mine is today, so it would have been 4x easier to make the leap then… Somehow despite my disdain/rejection of the rat race I find myself in it still where instead of more money being liberating it’s gone hand in hand with more bills etc. If I distill why I still haven’t fully done it I’d say it’s because of three things:
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On the inner: I haven’t felt fully ready. Whether this is an irrational insecurity from old wounds, a fear of failure, unworthiness etc. or potentially a genuine knowing that I want to be further along my healing path before fully shining. Ironically the stress and resentment of doing work that isn’t fully embodying my truest calling creates a feedback loop that perpetually makes me feel not ready.
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On the outer: I OFTEN get bogged down in things that ARE NOT MINE TO DO. This is mostly because of patterns of how I’ve made money historically serving existing market needs rather than the star path which essentially requires creating a new market. I’ve felt like building a personal brand is so cliche (vulnerable/ exposing/self absorbed) and mostly opted to do it organically/authentically rather than the formulaic way so many others are doing it, but my way hasn’t fully worked YET (I do get some clients this way even with the minimal structure I have for it). For gods sake I just this year started building my own email list after 20 years of networking and events (self sabotage anyone?) despite helping MANY other efforts build their lists along the way…
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On the infinite: My human design predicts that I will be bringing my great work into the world in my early 50s, and that this phase I’m in now is one of reflection and integration in preparation for that. One of the most consistent lessons I get over and over is PATIENCE and to drop the illusion of urgency. I’m an Aries and think/talk/act faster than most people just naturally… Beyond that I have felt pressure to actualize because of both personal and collective stress. The world needs what I’m here to bring NOW, my son needed me to build a secure foundation for him years ago, and my psyche has gotten weary from all these years of compromise.
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In permaculture we say “the problem is the solution”. This cleanse-inspired reflection process I’m in feels like a powerful step in making the leap that lies ahead for me… to let go of what’s not mine to do, and to feel worthy of fully embracing my dharma. To trust I will be supported… and so it is 🙏
