08/02/2026
Last night, Timmy slept in bed with us for the first time since he was 5 months old.
When Timmy was born, I was so hard on myself. I grieved the motherhood I thought I would have with him. I couldn't nurse him the way I had dreamed.
I'd try to sleep with him at night just so I could nurse him. He always struggled, though, and I didn't know why. I thought it was me the whole time, not knowing what we know now.
As women, we are so hard on ourselves.
Our body image. What we're capable of.
I watched feeding tubes replace the moments I had imagined, and I questioned myself more times than I can count.
Then, when we learned about his sleep apnea and he needed monitors, sleeping together just wasn't safe anymore.
I wondered if I was enough.
If I was failing him.
I had no idea motherhood would turn into becoming a nurse overnight.
But motherhood has a funny way of changing you.
The things I once cried over became the very things that prepared me for the mother Timmy needed.
I couldn't nurse him... but I learned how to feed him through a G-tube.
I didn't expect to become a nurse overnight... but now I manage medications, medical equipment, therapies, oxygen monitors, appointments, and emergencies without a second thought.
My stretch mark-filled arms from pregnancy became stronger than I ever realized. I never imagined carrying my child for hours every day would become normal... yet somehow my arms found strength I never knew they had.
I've learned to read his eyes before he cries. I know the smallest changes in his breathing, his comfort, and his needs. I've become his advocate, his comfort, and his safe place.
Years ago, I measured myself by the things I couldn't do.
Today, I realize I was measuring the wrong things.
Being Timmy's mom was never about nursing him.
Or being able to sleep with him.
It was never about having a "normal" journey.
It was about loving him enough to become whoever he needed me to be.
As I lay next to him last night, listening to the familiar beeps of his monitor while he peacefully slept between us, I realized just how much we've both changed.
The mom who once thought she wasn't enough...
Has become the mom who can carry him all day without complaining.
The mom who became a nurse without ever going to nursing school.
The mom who learned that love isn't measured by how your journey begins—it's measured by how many times you're willing to grow, adapt, and keep showing up.
So if you're the mom sitting in a hospital room...
The mom who can't nurse her baby.
Who can't sleep with them with out being tangled in cords.
The mom learning feeding tubes, medications, oxygen, or monitors.
The mom grieving the journey you thought you'd have.
I want you to know you're not failing.
You are becoming.
One day, you'll look back and realize the things that make you question yourself today are shaping you into the exact mother your child needs.
And if no one has told you lately...
You're doing better than you think.
From one mom who's been there to another, I'm cheering you on. ❤️
