09/04/2026
It has almost been 3 weeks.
Trying to get through the nights is probably the hardest part. During the day there is more to distract us, keep us busy. When its time for bed, and he is not there with us. Its too much. His Birthday is creeping up on us, he would have been five on the 17th of this month.
I have never known pain like this, I want to hold him again, feel his arms around my neck. I want his kisses, I want to hear his voice.
Its unbearable, I will never hold my baby in my arms. Never look into those beautiful eyes again.
I keep trying to make sense of all this, what was it for. Is there a deeper meaning, why is a question I will never have the answer to.
If there is no reason, no deeper meaning, if this was just random chance. Then I need to make there be a reason. I need to tell Rowans story, help other families however I can.
I am planning on not only continuing to use Rowans page to help others, but also selling arts and crafts. To help support our family as well as make donations to other families, and childrens cancer organizations that help give aid to families.
Childrens Cancer Alliance is a big one I plan on donating to.
Please if you all know of any families who are struggling, and need help getting their story out please feel free to message me. I will share it as soon as I can.
We have been spending a lot of time with family, I have been focusing on our other boys as much as I can. They have been through so much, my 7 year old came to tell me bye before his dad took him out to the bus.
He said "Mama, I miss Rowan so much"
All is could think to say was me too. Then I gave him hugs and tickles to get him smiling again. Losing their little brother has been so hard on them, especially since they were here towards the end. They were able to see how bad he had gotten, they watched him fade away.
We are trying to spend lots of time with them, and we always let them know they can talk to us about how they are feeling. We have taken them to visit Rowan, had them help us decorate his grave for Halloween, places solar lights and a pinwheel. He loved playing with pinwheels, I like to think that its him making it spin when we visit. He is in the breeze, free from all the pain.
We had a family day yesterday, took the boys to the pool. The last time we we went was the summer before Rowan was diagnosed. I remember how much fun he had playing in the splash pad. His dad and I taking turns playing with him.
It felt wrong being there without him, i kept thinking how he should have been with us. But, as much as it hurt I held it together and played with the boys. We played mermaids and sharks! We had family with us as well, it was nice getting to spend time with them.
Ive got a lot of house work to do, so I am going to wrap this up. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support! We are so grateful to everyone, especially those in out community who helped keep our heads above water during all of this. Thank you!
P.S. we love the spongebob toys that were left for him! I know Rowan loves them too! Thank you for doing that for him. I love that he gets visitors! He was loved so much, he still is loved.
