11/30/2025
Letting Go for Survivors of Abuse and Trauma:
When I feel angry at something from the past that was hurtful, I have been told to just “let it go.” But how do I let go? The process of healing is one that takes time and awareness of what needs healing.
Letting go of the things that we cannot control is difficult to navigate if you do not understand what the concept means and how to apply it to your life. Letting go is just that which is the practice of letting go of something that is painful because it caused you to hurt.
It is important to recognize that there is no “right or wrong” way to begin the process of healing. Letting go is an aspect of healing that cannot be forced or feigned. This is because it will creep back up in other aspects of your life until you address what is causing the hurt and genuinely work through the pain. It is like a scab that will eventually heal. At the same you do not need to keep pealing the scab off and continue to relive the pain in order to heal.
The ego self is the part of you that is wounded and needs validation. This ego drives the inability to let go because it needs to have a purpose. This is especially true for people who have been abused or victims of a traumatic experience.
The ego needs to understand why this happened so that it can prevent it from happening again in the future. This is what causes hyper-vigilance and an inability to relax. There is often no rhyme or reason to why it happened or what made someone do something so hurtful to you.
The ego also lets you believe in the illusion of control. We cannot control the choices that other people make or what they do. The only control you have is over your own response. What defines you is what you do with what happened to you. Yes, it happened. Life does not stop, and it cannot stop. Do not get lost in the labyrinth of pain and hurt that robs you of the joy life has to bring.
Control is like sand, the tighter you squeeze, the more quickly is slips through your fingers.
Letting go is about taking your power back and setting the boundaries in your life now that you need to feel safe. Your confidence will come from your emotional preparation for what might be painful. Your perception of it is the power and hold it has over you.
Examine what exactly hurts. Have courage to gently ask the part of you that is holding onto your hurt, what is causing this hurt? Ask yourself to forgive yourself for the things you had to do to survive what you experienced. Then forgive yourself for the shame, hurt and pain you felt that caused you to express yourself in ways that you are not proud of.
If you are driven by revenge, what do you expect the outcome to be? Will it change what happened? It might satisfy the ego but at what cost? If your take revenge, your goal will be to harm another, and this is not who you are. Is the loss of your integrity worth satisfying your ego in the short term? How will you feel after you do it and who will you become if you go down this path?
If we can forgive the version of ourselves that we are ashamed of or stop blaming the aspect of the self that did what it had to in order to survive, then we can start the process of healing. You are not the same person that you were before your traumatic experience. You are stronger and wiser.
You have SURVIVED. Do not diminish the inner wisdom that helped you survive. Your instincts helped to guide you and navigate those challenges. This should give you courage and confidence that you are prepared in ways you are not aware of.
Is there a need to forgive someone or people in a situation that was hurtful to you? Whether it was intentional, or the person was just having a bad day, what happened cannot be changed. However, the powerlessness you feel can change. This is where you need to make a choice.
Being ready for that choice is important. Are you waiting for an apology that will never come? Are you waiting for the validation that what you experienced was hurtful? Being here and reading this now is validation that what happened was hurtful. You are searching for an explanation that will help you heal. You are hoping that an apology will somehow change the way you feel about what happened.
What could help you walk away from the need for an apology or explanation for what happened? How long do you need to hang onto this hurt? Give yourself time to hang onto your hurt for as long as you need with the commitment to let it go when the time is ready. You will let it go when you are ready to take the road that seeks grace.
Letting go is not easy and it should not be. Give yourself time to grieve what you need to let go of and remember the space it is leaving for you to experience new things. This is because you need to grieve the pain and hurt that took up space in your life for so long. Give what caused you pain and how you felt the validation it needs even if no one else does. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.
Learn to set boundaries and stop being dragged into situations by people with unrealistic expectations. Write down the action step(s) that you need to take to feel like you have the self-efficacy to make your own choices.
Start with small goals and build a foundation of self-care that works for you. Work boundaries into your life slowly and in small ways to start. Work on aligning your thoughts, your words, and your deeds. If you think “NO,” then say “NO,” and follow through.
Know your worth. Think about the things you learned from not-so-great situations. Letting go is about finding freedom from the pain that holds you in place. Work toward holding a space for your pain in a way that is no longer an anchor or a distraction. It does not have to control your life if you make the choice to walk away and let it go.
Grieve for the things that your pain held in place in order for you to get through whatever trauma you experienced. Remember that you get to choose how and in what ways this new version of you is empowered to experience things differently than you did in the past.
