06/23/2023
Parenting insight from a clinical perspective:
Yesterday I was leaving my home to do a session with a student. As I was leaving, I started to say out loud and so my teenager could hear me:
You know, it would be nice if…..
I never finished the sentence. It was in that moment that I recalled what I teach to parents when reviewing the skill of giving CLEAR instructions. Often times as parents or caregivers, we think our instructions are clear and even common sense. However, when I teach this skill I note that parents often miss two small yet critical pieces, there’s no timeframe attached to the expectation and sometimes we are giving cute suggestions rather than clear instructions.
Going even further, I recall that the statement I was making was just a cute suggestion. It really would’ve been nice for my living room to be cleaned when I got back home. I literally thought in my head, “You want a clean living room. Good for you”.
So, what I did was took a step back to provide clarity for my child because here’s what was going to happen:
1. I was going to give a statement that was really just wishful thinking: Oh it would be nice…
2. Because he likely didn’t have the same thought process he wasn’t going to do it. That was my wishful thinking. Not his.
3. When I returned home, we were going to be in conflict because I wished my living room was clean without giving a clear instruction, and I was going to become mad at him for doing something that by all means, I never actually instructed him to do.
4. I would’ve caused a moment of conflict in our relationship that’s completely unnecessary all because of my choice in words.
Instead, I stopped myself and thought about what I needed to do to be clear with my child. So, I have a clear instruction:
When I get home later, the living room needs to be cleaned.
The result: I came home and was happy upon arrival because my instruction was followed.
When we give our kids mixed messages, we’d be wrong to expect them to be compliant or follow an instruction that isn’t clear.
For example:
It’s ok that you ate all the ice cream, but it’s really not.
So which one is it? Are you ok thag I did this or are you mad?
Another one:
It’s ok that you left the house without permission, but it’s really not.
Again, is it ok or not? Can’t be both.
The best way to decrease parent and child conflict is to be clear.
