27/04/2024
I told my pelvic floor physical therapist, “I’m really glad I’ve taken mushrooms because I’m able to handle the intensity of this experience right now.” Reflecting on the past five years: becoming pregnant with my firstborn, my spitting image, my fiery beautiful daughter—coming so close to death’s door that I remember accepting my fate, thinking I might never wake up again before going into surgery.
It’s almost a relief to have been through that. The weight of dying someday, even if that day is tomorrow, doesn’t scare me anymore. From that day, I decided to live every day as if it were my last.
Then, feeling healed from PTSD and my anxieties calmed, I braved the decision to have another child. I had this visceral feeling I was meant to carry one more child, to have a different experience.
And then a year ago today, my beautiful water rabbit son Leonhart was born. We listened to the playlist I made for Izzy’s birth during an incredible, flawless C-section with the most amazing OBs.
A few days later, standing in my bedroom where two weeks prior my soul dog Karma passed away, I felt a chill rush through my body as I decided to put my Apple Watch on to track my heart rate. Suddenly, the light in our room turned off. Since Karma’s passing, the lights in our bedroom had begun playing a Stranger Things game.
An hour later, lying on the couch, my watch beeped at me, ‘your heart rate is 133 bpm.’ Not good. I made an appointment with my OB, and my husband took me to the hospital. I remember my eyes nearly rolling back in my head as I sat in the waiting room. My doctor took one look at me and said, ‘We are going to the emergency room now.’
A trip to the ICU, fear pulsing through my body that this might be it yet again. But I was lucky to have trusted my instincts this time and come in when I did; I caught my septic body just in time.
That experience showed me how much I’d grown over the past couple of years by the sheer confidence I had to advocate for myself in such a vulnerable position. It showed me just how much I’d healed my nervous system and how much of my SELF I was truly becoming and continue to bask in.
