Sarah Claudia Stout

08/06/2018

“If nothing else happened other than getting to know or getting closer to ourselves or another, enjoying the water, air, leaves and flowers, biting into fresh fruit with gratitude, or feeling the earth under bare feet, I’d say that it was a majorly successful summer, in spite of our rather insanely complex world.”

I was having a hard time dealing with changes in my garden. It had been outrageously hot and dry in New Mexico, and the flowers that bloomed didn’t boom long. The day lilies came and went fast before I enjoyed them. The roses quickly became many dried up buds. I found myself focusing on the bug bites on the leaves. …Then, I got it.

If I keep myself in doing or collapsing mode, I’d miss the aliveness and colors of the daisies and petunias. If I didn’t allow myself to grieve drought and changes in the forest and landscape, I’d continue incessantly doing or pushing feelings away.

The flowers are like our kids and relationships. If I just do and plan, or if I don’t tend to my own emotional needs, I’ll miss the magic of my friends, grown child and grandchildren. If I stay with the normal human brain negativity bias, I’ll be stuck on the bug holes and dried up rose buds, or behavior of another.

If I intentionally stop for a few moments to feel and cherish, I’ll remember the intimate moments with flowers, strawberries, and others as they are. The choice is stay stuck on doing, denial, and negative focus, or stop, slow down, and be curious. Use summer, the longer days, the heat, to slow down and take in the wonder of our kids and the flowers.

It’s not always easy. There’s a lot going on. There’s a lot to do. Hot days can breed vegging, not connecting. The doing inner voice can be a loud one. For many, there’s an undertone of anxiety in the air. School is out, and rhythms and routines have turned upside down. The pressure is on for more play dates, last-minute scheduled activities and camps, and squeezing in time for family trips. There’s less time for self-care. With more time together, irritations can flare.

Beginning to stir up the pot of ideas….

–Use senses to connect with nature. Notice the voice that may not want to stop, recognize it, tell it you understand. Stop, maybe put a hand on your heart or the bark of a tree, even for a minute. Remember the Google surveys that showed that employee groups that took a mindful ten-minute break had actually more productivity? What do you hear, see, smell, taste, and feel? For what are you grateful? Make games with the questions with the kids or yourself. Get curious about the ants, a new sprout, or pine cones. Find the life in a square foot of earth.

–Consider just silly playing. This can be in the form of the rolling around, laughing and looking into eyes kind of play, or simply agenda-less being with and noticing without judging, fixing, or solving play.

–Face life’s reality hall of mirrors with curiosity and humor. There may be clashes or annoyances that have been around all the time and hidden by the busyness of school time. It’s a normal part of human being existence, and the juiciness of relationships. The people and situations in our lives help us dig deeper into our relationships with ourselves, communication patterns, and places inside begging for reframing and/ or healing. Spend more time around anyone, and the mirror, even if it is a smokey one, will be there. It doesn’t mean anything or anyone one is wrong or broken. It’s a type of gift that’s begging for curiosity, support, and compassion.

-Come up with some playful, family, positive summer slogans. What do you want to say as a family about your family in a positive way? “We are family who…loves running in grass”….”loves walking in the evenings”…”loves jumping in water”…”loves taking baths”…”loves having movie night”….Summer is a good time for finding a couple of “We are a family who….” slogans to rally around. Slogan creation could be spontaneous or Ideas could be submitted in a jar and everyone go over them, choose, and describe what it would look like. Slogans and intentions repeated with activities build positive memories.

-Consider a doable family service project that interests everyone. Explore where the children see needs in society or the environment. What if they helped develop the project? Giving an amount produced from a garden to others? Selling lemonade for a favorite charity? Helping out at a shelter? Kids have power to create change, and they need our support.

-Look at expectations, and be real. Is the expectation coming from perfection, doing, “shoulds”, or appearances? Be alert for times to let go, and just sit on the grass, smell the flowers, and BE and feel. These are moments when connection and relationship building are at a peak.

-Claim self-care as a priority, in fact, a political act. There are times when self-care time is with self, and times when is it “being” time with another. Honoring feelings is self-care. I love this article on self-care and activism that was referenced by Patty Digh, Nine Self-care Reminders for the Over Committed Activist. I consider the commitment to raise or be with, connected, heart-felt kids activism.

If nothing else happened other than getting to know or getting closer to ourselves or another, enjoying the water, air, leaves and flowers, biting into fresh fruit with gratitude, or feeling the earth under bare feet, I’d say that it was a majorly successful summer, in spite of our rather insanely complex world.

06/22/2018

What do we do? As a starter.....here's a blog from a fellow play therapist.

  The images of immigrant children separated from parents and the sounds of their cries are permeating my days and nights. For many parents, grandparents, teachers, child life specialists, and…

06/13/2018

Great article about talking to children about racism: "Talk about the fact that the social world we live in is often unfair to people of color simply because they are people of color and that persisting racial-ethnic inequalities are unjust and morally wrong. Make it clear that racial-ethnic prejudice and discrimination are part of a larger society that needs reform and not just something that individuals do. " Lots of good resources. In appreciation to Patty Digh.

It'd be wonderful if you could just say to children, "People might look different and come from different places, but we're all equal and should be treated the same" and leave it at that. But if recent news has taught us anything, it's that reality is not so simple, and we need...

06/08/2018

Making these is fun, and a gift to us all...

06/08/2018

The World and Our Kids – Building empowerment and hope
“Every time I turn on TV
There’s someone actin’ crazy
I’m taking back my power.”
– India Arie in “There’s Hope”

Empowerment for our children starts with fortifying our own balance and security.

We listen to and share our own feelings. We strengthen our practices of connection and balance. We learn how to ground small moments of compassion, breath, and sensation into our own nervous systems.

It is slow, and it takes intention, support, and tiny steps, often two steps forward, and one backwards.

As anchors for our children, we are ready to pause, be curious, and hear their thoughts and feelings in order to help them make sense of the changing world around them (The World and Our Kids – Talking about what hurts and what helps). It’s never perfect. We get triggered and we miss opportunities. And, we learn and grow, repair, and head in the general direction.

It’s through our learning…and commitment to the general direction and integrity…that we support our kids and their own empowerment. They see us risk, have breakthroughs, be vulnerable, make mistakes, learn from it, and step forward again. This gives them permission and courage to express themselves. With our support, they begin to learn with life, and, in time, find meaning.

There’s another piece to this foundational empowerment nest – the message that a child matters. Behavior is separate from the mattering, and what is inside is worthy of celebration. This contradicts teaching from our culture.

While society tells us that success, appearance, and doing is what is of value, our job is to discover what we use to define our identities. We are then more conscious of what types of expectations we put on our children.

In a dream, I saw a baby being presented to the village.
Everyone was celebrating the baby for herself. Imagine the power. All welcomed the child into the circle. Passed around, each one looked into her eyes, telling her how much she mattered just for being alive. There was the moment of connection when each saw the beauty and strength inside the little child. We remember that we are born whole. We find strength in the reminder.

The same adults later would direct the child to safety, have clear expectations, and support the child through, not protect the child from, making mistakes and experiencing natural consequences. They would continue to remember their positive expectations for the child. They would see a authentic future self, bringing gifts to the world.

How does mattering, meaning, and learning translate into actual strategies of empowerment in this pretty crazy changing world?

Listen to feelings, and help children sort through things without jumping in to fix it. When they express concern about something, listen to thoughts and feelings first, then investigate with them ways they can be active. Listen to and consider their ideas. Acknowledge broadened perspectives and positive visions.

Let them experience failure and mistakes. Evaluate the messages that they are getting about “failure”, and reframe the negative ones. See the victory and meaning in “failure”. Be honest and vulnerable about your own embedded ideas about mistakes and failures. Model and expect accountability from a non-shaming-blaming perspective. Be there to help them sort their way through. Then encourage next steps, vision and ideas.

Collect stories of positive visions and change created by people of all ages and diversity. Reflect back the ripples that happen when they or others affect change. Involve them in creation of activities that affect change. Within the classroom or family, mutually create and tell stories of inspiration and positive change.

Model skills of collaboration, and listening empathetically. Acknowledge acts of courage and social risks in communication. Model plugging into resources and communities of support. Reflect the “we” – that change comes about by the actions and ideas of many coming together.

Because we are learning this ourselves, it’s a tall order, and not for the faint of heart. We will be right in there with our children. We are asking ourselves, “Is change possible?” “How do we affect change? We don’t have to know the answers. It’s about staying curious and open to the next pebble along the path representing a positive future.

There will be times of disappointment and loss. Sometimes our own lives will defy expectations and feel turned upside down. We will have to reach deeper and further to find connections and resilience. It can be rough. The same is true for our children.

Change and miracles are possible. It starts from within, with our own reflection and willingness to go deeper, to find the place inside were we can humbly state, “We, all of us, our voices, our feelings, our experience, our gifts, matter.” Then we too can say, “I’m taking back my power.

05/14/2018

making calm down jars - Thank you Clair Mellenthin for doing this and posting. I love this project, have my own jar, and enjoy doing it with kids!

(KUTV) Salt Lake City - Anxiety presents in several different ways. It can look like shy and withdrawn behavior, or it can also be exhibited by anger and aggressiveness. Stress increases anxiety and learning healthy ways to cope with this is an importan

05/14/2018

Mama Blessings in appreciation to Shiloh Sophia.

A Mama Day Blessing for All Kinds of Mamas

This day we honor and celebrate

the women who have given life to us,

the women who give life to ideas,

the women who died giving life,

the women who wanted to have a child,

but didn’t get to,

the women who right now

are tilling their fertile soil for new seed,

the women who choose not to have a child

yet have many children,

the women who are in captivity,

the women who are free,

those who were mothered well,

and those who had crazy mamas,

because any mama that did not love you well,

was not well enough,

the women who are struggling

this moment to care for their babies,

and the women who right now

snuggle with little ones under feather comforters,

for those whose mamas have gone on,

and for those who are mamas to be,

for women who miscarried precious life,

and those who carried many,

for single mamas who want their mate,

and for married mamas who want to be seen and heard

for those who never got to have a mama hold them,

and for those mamas whose children will not speak to them,

for fairygod mamas and godmothers,

for happy mamas and sad mamas,

for mamas who outlived their children,

and the Great Mama of all,

and the Mama who gave birth to God

and most of all…

for all women and men who are in need re-mothering.

We unite in our love

for all of our quests for wholeness,

connection, belonging, nurturing, healing and home.

All women today, we honor.

All life today, we celebrate.

Blessed Mother of life,

hear the prayers of your children this day.

Open our hearts to hear

that which you are speaking to us and through us.

Shiloh Sophia McCloud©2013

P.S. and furry baby mamas too!

04/30/2018

It started out as a summertime home keep-busy activity on line and evolved to being making lunches for the homeless, with friends neighbors. It's an inspiring story. Scroll down to the see ideas about old legos.

GoFundMe Kid Heroes celebrates the kids who are using GoFundMe to change their communities and the world.

04/24/2018

Trouble relaxing or sleeping? "There’s nothing to do. Pay attention as best you can....Whatever you feel, or don’t feel, is fine." Watching a stuffed animal on the belly works to. It rises up and down with breath.

An 11-minute body scan for children to help bring calmness, attention, and appreciation to hectic daytime routines and marathon bedtime rituals.

04/12/2018

There are fantastic resources here - scroll down.

The World and Our Kids – Talking about what hurts and what helps
“Although we know that there is no way of understanding the rapidly changing events and disasters, we can still bring a sense of security to the lives of our children, find ways to hear their feelings and thoughts, and help them make some sense of what’s happening around them.”

It can feel as though we are daily barraged with disasters, senseless violence, and a never ending stream
of environmental and political concerns. It can be overwhelming to deal with the onslaught of news, and needed requests for donations and activism. Although shocking loss has always happened, it seems to increase. Now, with media, we hear about it all within minutes.

We know that it’s our responsibility to find balance, so that we can be in healthy relationship with our children. We often just don’t know how to talk about what’s happening in a way that can feel powerful. It can be easier to just put a lid on it inside and live life as though nothing is going on, or go into blame. We may be left with the questions of what to do with the hurt or fear and where to find the balance.

We’re also taken back by the instant rise of the March for Our Lives movement. We are applauding it, inspired by it, and humbled by it. I attended a local march. The multi-fold lessons from it help me negotiate the confusing terrain. I left the event with an open-hearted willingness to listen to hurt; the experience of balance found in certain conversations, poetry and music; and the importance of belief in oneself and one’s voice and being part of something bigger than oneself.
But first the imperative to hear the hurt…

The teens’ realness reminded me of the value of honesty and vulnerability. I began to sense what it’s like going to school in this era of mass shootings, lock downs, and frequent school threats.

An initial part of real change is sharing and listening to the pain and the tears. It takes both people willing to tell the story of the pain, and people with open hearts willing to listen to it, honor and even feel the pain. I’m thinking of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commissions and practices of non-violent and compassionate listening.

This is a mission that is a stranger to our society. We are often uncomfortable listening to pain. Although trained to listen to hurt, I must ask myself about the times I too, as part of society, failed to hear and feel my own and others’ pain. As a mega-busy school counselor, I did not hear the pain and fear of children who sat in a lockdown with an armed man across the street, and the children who knew of violence near their homes. Feeling gagged and powerless by my own limited time, I regarded it as “what is” and moved on. Was I the frog in a pan of warm water then added to slowly progressive hotter waters until I too became numb?

I say this without personal blame. We live in a society that has historically denied the pain experienced by ourselves and others. We have often, without knowing, found ways to continue it by stuffing it and often inflicting it on ourselves and/or others. It’s carried, with everyone doing their best, through family and cultural lineages. This is ever apparent now.

We naturally want to protect our children from the pain. Yet, no matter how much we try to shield them, we know that there is so much they pick up from what’s around them, including our own obvious and hidden feelings. It’s natural that they play with others who have been less shielded and report more about the world.

The high school students taught me that they all feel a lot that is worthy of being heard.

In order to hear our own pain, and that of our children, we need to first invite it back to the table to be heard. We need to have tools to welcome it.

The best resource for our children is ourselves, not our denial. Taking care of ourselves, we find ways to talk with others about what’s going on, how we are impacted, what we are feeling and what we are learning. We sort out ways to appropriately talk about events.

Our conversation partners need to listen and let us feel, without trying to fix or blame. Staying in blame keeps us from feeling, listening, caring, and clearing the confusion and pain within ourselves.

Another part of self-resourcing or self-care, is the art and practice of balance. It starts with curiosity about when the scales are tipping out of balance. Balance can be micro-moments of quiet or noticing sensation and presence, as well as the spontaneous times for celebration, joy, gratitude, appreciation, play, and nature. There are planned and seized moments for enjoying life, ourselves, and each other.

Although we know that there is no way of understanding the rapidly changing events and disasters, we can still bring a sense of security to the lives of our children, find ways to hear their feelings and thoughts, and help them make some sense of what’s happening around them.

Hand in Hand Parenting is a veritable treasure trove of good information for talking with children. Although the emphasis is on younger children, the information applies to all ages of being human. The invaluable podcasts and blogs address: what to do with news that makes us scared; how to manage information; conversations that help us care for ourselves and support us being with our children; and what we can expect of ourselves and our children.

Helping Children Exposed to Shocking Events – Here are excellent pointers. If you only have time to look at one article, this is it. “You in your everyday acts as a mother or father, move us toward a sustainable, peaceful world.”

Helping Children Face an Uncertain World – A superb podcast by Patty Wipfler and Anna Cole. Topics included are: supporting yourself and your children during difficult times; understanding and dealing with fear; talking about inequality in society; addressing about tragedy; being part of the solution; explaining violence to children; and holding a space for children going through their feelings.
An Open Letter (of Hope) to Parents Around the World – The letter captures the importance of our role as parents, and offers genuine hope.

Talking to Your Child About Disasters – The blog discusses what to do about fear, handling tricky questions, and taking care of yourself.

Rebuilding Hope After World Events – This podcast by Abigail Wald and Elle Kwan looks at when we are rocked by events, and how to take care of ourselves and our children. “As parents, we can be the change that stops events from dividing people.”

Another resource, particularly for talking to children 10 and over, is The Morningside Center. Although for educators, it has valuable information for parents. The lesson plans and discussions provide inspiration and helpful background for important discussions. Topics include equity, violence, climate changes, gun control, activism, refugees, me too, and opioid epidemic.

It’s tough to know where to start discussions with each other, let alone with our children. It can be hard to know how to step out of denial and blame when that’s what surrounds us.

We begin with each other. We first listen for the pain, not the blame. This is how we begin to heal and mend injustices that breed hate. We seek out “conversations that help more conversations of understanding”, as Wipler describes in her blog and podcast. The conversations support us in listening to our own feelings and thoughts. In turn, we are more open to listen to the feelings and thoughts of our children.

These conversations free empowerment and creativity. They actually add to the security of the ones we are trying to keep safe.
For the links, checkmout: http://www.sarahclaudiastout.com/2018/04/05/the-world-and-our-kids-talking-about-what-hurts-and-what-hel

03/27/2018

Sincere gratitude to all those who passed this post along....

The pain that exists within us and therefore within our families is oh so patient, and unlike most of us, it knows it’s worth. It will not leave until we give it the wholehearted attention it demands. Should we chose distraction, busyness, material successes, “positivity,” or any other of the myriad of shortsighted dissociations, all we really are doing is choosing to make the pain we carry the legacy of our children. 👇
🔥
In the words of , s**t rolls downhill. Whatever pain we experienced as children WILL become the pain that our children and others we interact with will experience UNLESS we allow ourselves to feel it and ultimately heal it. We can take ownership for our pain, or we can pretend it isn’t rolling. I have chosen to hold myself accountable. --Stephi Wagner

03/26/2018

Listen, Respect, Help Navigate, Reflect, Collaborate, Let me lead...."6 Ways to Step Up with Youth as They March for Our Lives" from The Search Institute -

What do we do in our relationships to “be there” for young people who are participating in social change events, such as March for Our Lives? In this article, we explore 6 actions adults can take to support youth, based on Search Institute’s Developmental Relationships Framework.