09/07/2026
I process my healing through tattoos. I got one years after my assault. I got one after my great grandmother died. I got one when my abusive relationship ended. I got one when my dad passed away. And today I got one to celebrate and memorialize Erstwhile. That might not make sense to some. It may not be the way you choose to process, grieve, and heal. But for me it’s apart of the process. It’s an important piece of my journey.
I heard it said a while ago from someone I thought respected me that people didn’t want to support Erstwhile or me because I would cry on the internet about needing money and then I’d go and get a tattoo. I find that interesting. Tell me, when you own a business do you stop doing things for yourself? Do you stop your healing? Your self care? Or are you judging me because we don’t grieve and heal the same way? That doesn’t feel very “love and light” to me. That doesn’t seem very spiritual.
Also let’s talk about the process of getting a tattoo. You find an artist, you discuss what you want, you put down a deposit, you schedule an appointment months away, and then you save until the day. In lieu of buying myself fancy coffees, new shoes (even though they were desperately needed), getting my hair done regularly, getting massages, etc. I chose to save the little bit of extra money I had for another step in my healing journey.
My tattoos remind me of where I’ve been, who I was, what I’ve been through, and how I’ve healed. Don’t judge my process just because you don’t understand it. Don’t make it shallow and ugly just because you don’t agree with it. How about we all just understand that we’re all humans just trying to survive. I ran my business very transparently. I didn’t pretend things were fine when they weren’t. I didn’t put on a mask just to make everyone comfortable. I chose to live and heal out loud and I was/am pretty well loved for that very fact.
So here’s my new selfish endeavor. I paid for it with the money I saved after selling off everything I’d accumulated for my business. This piece cost me time to figure out what comes next. Every penny I spend is real time I need to figure out my life. And you know what, it’s worth it. It’s a beautiful piece of my story and I hope when I’m old and gray the young men and women caring for me in the nursing home ask me about my art. I’ll tell them about my store and the beautiful Lilly (LmaeTattoos) and how she was the only one I trusted to help me remember and honor it. 🩵