Purpose over Fear

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Purpose over Fear Welcome to Purpose Over Fear, where healing becomes our purpose. Life brings challenges that shape us — mind, body, and spirit.

Here, we face them together with honesty, courage, and community.

This was my first time in treatment. I don't even recognize her. She was drunk, sick, tired and scared. Who is this girl...
13/05/2026

This was my first time in treatment. I don't even recognize her. She was drunk, sick, tired and scared.

Who is this girl? Why has she done this to herself? Will she be able to help herself? Does she have any idea how hard the road ahead will be? That she will have seizures? She will relapse many times? She will wreck a car? She will get fired from a job? She will risk her kids lives and ruin her marriage?

How can this girl, who hasn't got a nasty, unintelligent, selfish bone in her body do so much freaking damage to herself?

Isolating. So freaking common among us addicts… isn’t it? “The less people tolerate us, the more we withdrew” says the B...
13/05/2026

Isolating.
So freaking common among us addicts… isn’t it?
“The less people tolerate us, the more we withdrew” says the Big Book.

In all my classes, treatments and discussions isolation is one of the most common words I have heard. At a recent event where I was celebrating (hosting) my daughter's birthday I kept ‘sneaking away’ to ‘fix this’, ‘set up that’, ‘Prepare for this’, ‘Pay for that’, it was all a masquerade of actions to hide the fact that I was running to my car to grab one more sip. Not proud, just ashamed, but unable to relent.

Isolation gives the diseased a place to calm the brain activity, to satisfy the hunger and to wash away the fear of when the next opportunity will come. In my mind I felt like Smeagle from Lord Of The Rings – but to have that one sip, somehow just relaxed my brain for another hour so I could “be present”. But I wasn’t present, I was just the opposite, because even when I was physically there my mind was still focused on the next “my precious” moment. (you’ll get this reference if you’ve seen Lord of the Rings).

It sucks.

Wanna know what is amazing? Although my daughters knew what I was doing, they still forgave me. I know they won’t always forgive me, but for today I am still their best mama and that means everything to me. Someday they will hate me for this – but today, I am so thankful for their forgiveness.

13/05/2026

The Promises

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear (gone). We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows (ladies). Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us (gone). We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us (baffle). We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? (we think not!). They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them (work, work, work)."

This is my favorite passage from the Big Book. Repeated multiple times a day in treatment and so powerful. Because, its true. WE WILL BE AMAZED BEFORE WE ARE HALFWAY THOURGH! OMG, what other self help program can guarantee that? NONE!

Whatever your path to recovery is, or how far along you are in your journey, never EVER, give up on yourself, because you WILL BE AMAZED!

13/05/2026

Relapses suck.

The physiological part of your brain is trying to compensate for the thing you have taken away, the thing it was trying to regulate to get your body back to homeostasis. That's all your body and brain are ever trying to do - regulate. As such it will stop at nothing to get it. No. Really. Nothing.

Will? Nope.
Desire? Nope.
Faith? Nope.
Fear of loss? Nope.

It does NOT care.

Does that make me a bad person? NOPE! It literally stole all those muscle and power through abilities away.

My last relapse was bad, I mean bad. First time, 2 seizures, one in front of my husband. The hospital did not want me to go home for fear that I would have another and I would die. I didn’t care. I was determined to muscle through and here I am. I will never give up on myself, ever. No matter how hard it is, I just won’t, and that’s just that.

It is not for my kids, my job or my husband. It is for me, because I think I am truly awesome and I want to live to see 97. Selfish? I don't care - if it keeps me coming back that is all that matters.

This is a picture of a woman who is tired.Really tired. 💤The day my husband picked me up from treatment—for the third ti...
01/05/2026

This is a picture of a woman who is tired.
Really tired. 💤
The day my husband picked me up from treatment—for the third time, or maybe the fourth (truthfully, I’m not sure)—I was relieved to be going home… and completely empty.

Here we go again.

How do I not mess this up?
I can do it.
I think I can do it…
Wait—can I? 🤍
And what does “do it” even mean?

Does it mean apologizing… and re‑apologizing… to the people who never gave up on me?

Does it mean carrying shame into rooms, jobs, and conversations I once got wrong?

Does it mean changing everything—where I live, what I do, who I know—just to outrun my triggers?

I don’t know what “do it” means for you.
But I know what it means for me.
It means small goals.
Tiny. Itty‑bitty. Sometimes barely visible goals. ✨
Like:
• Getting through a weekend ✅
• Putting the laundry away (not just washing it) 👕
• Making my bed 🛏️
• Sitting with my daughter for five more minutes because her story isn’t done yet 📚
• Quietly thanking the Man upstairs for another day 🙏
These little goals add up.

And this weekend, they’re carrying me to a big one: my first 5K since coming out of treatment 🏃‍♀️🎽
It’s the second year in a row I’ll run this race with my daughter, and I’m proud.
Proud that even when I slipped, I didn’t stop.
Proud that my goals kept me moving forward.

And forward—that’s the goal.

Always forward. 💪➡️💛

01/05/2026

Why do you drink? 🍷
Boredom? 😐
Stress? 😵‍💫
Celebration? 🎉
An argument? 😤
The weather? 🌧️☀️

When people ask me why, I want to say:
“Because the sun came up.” 🌅
Not because that’s the answer—but because there often isn’t one. 🤷‍♀️

Asking someone who struggles with this why can be one of the hardest questions.
If there were a clear reason, there’d be a clear fix. 🧩

So maybe don’t ask why. ❌

If you really want to understand, spend a little time reading the stories shared here—or mine. 📖💬
That’s where the answers live. ❤️

Happy Friday. 🎈🥂 (or not 😉)

Every

23/04/2026

When Small Things Become Heavy: Notes From a Breaking Point

Part 3: Why Did I Give Myself Grace Then… But Not Now?

Here’s the question I can’t let go of.
During cancer, I gave myself grace.

I didn’t measure my worth by productivity.
I didn’t call myself a failure when things slipped.
I accepted help.
I rested without guilt.

Somehow, during addiction and mental health recovery, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve the same compassion.
I expected myself to “perform” at home.
To carry it all.
To be better faster.
And that double standard — the one where illness earns grace but struggle does not — nearly broke me.

Recovery isn’t about strength.
It’s about permission.
Permission to rest.
Permission to ask for help.
Permission to not carry everything alone.
I’m learning — slowly — to give myself the same grace I once offered without question.

If this brings up anything heavy, pause, take a breath, and remember you’re here now.

They don't know. They don't know what you hide, what you hold in, or what you lie about. They don't know because they ca...
22/04/2026

They don't know.

They don't know what you hide, what you hold in, or what you lie about. They don't know because they can't stand the thought of knowing. Every good day for you, is a good year for them. But what they don't know is that you are so desperate to claw out of this existence you will do almost anything, even if it means continuing to use. What they don't know is you would give anything for it to end. Even if it means running yourself into a tree. You would give anything to be free from the pain of something you CANNOT control. I feel bad for them, more so for them then myself because they don't know. They can't know, until they are forced to know.

If you are struggling, I do know. I want to know. I have known. I am here for you. I am selling NOTHING but my time, energy and ear, I am here, because I know.

I keep posting this picture of a lotus flower because it continues to grow and thrive in the murkiest of circumstances. It represents beauty in mud. And, that's what I feel like most of the time, trapped in mud but hopeful that something beautiful will emerge from it.

I know.

Journal Entry – November 16, 2024Action:Buy an alarm caddy for my medication so I can remember to take my meds daily.Int...
22/04/2026

Journal Entry – November 16, 2024

Action:
Buy an alarm caddy for my medication so I can remember to take my meds daily.
Intent for Today:
Self-reflection and writing.
Keeping the journal going.
Reframing my thoughts on stress.
Being purposeful with my self-care.
Wins So Far:

Completed 1 mile on the treadmill ✅

It’s 1:15 PM, and my family will be here in 15 minutes. I’m hopeful today goes better than our last conversation. I feel both excited and anxious.
I understand that they have every right to feel nervous about me coming home from the hospital. Trust will take time—and I’m committed to earning it. I will try my hardest. I know what is at stake if I don’t change.

Today’s Anxiety—And How I’m Reframing It

Family visit → I get to hug everyone.
Workplace embarrassment → I can become a better employee.
Being home alone → If I’m alone, I can meditate.
The idea of going home—and the idea of not going home → I am up to the challenge.
Bills, budget, adulting → Independence and freedom come with being a responsible adult.
The house holds many painful memories → I can create a space that makes me feel good.
Never having a drink again → I never have to feel awful again.
That is enough for one day.

At group today, we watched a TED Talk about how stress can actually be helpful—if we view it as something meant to support us, not harm us.
That perspective shifted something for me.
The stress of my cancer diagnosis triggered my PTSD, which ultimately led me to this addiction inflection point. But that same stress also drove me to fight—and I fought hard.
And I won.

I am grateful for today’s lessons, the people I was able to speak with, and the life I still get to live.

PS: My favorite meditation is Deandre on the FitOn app.

What I’m Proud of Today

I showed up for myself with intention and self-reflection.
I kept my journal going, even when things feel heavy.
I completed 1 mile on the treadmill, choosing movement and care for my body.
I faced my anxiety about seeing my family with honesty instead of avoidance.
I reframed my stress and fears into opportunities for growth.
I recognized the importance of trust—and committed to earning it through my actions.
I acknowledged my past, especially cancer and PTSD, without letting it define my future.
I chose gratitude for the life I get to live today.

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