Purpose over Fear

01/05/2026

This is a picture of a woman who is tired.
Really tired. 💤
The day my husband picked me up from treatment—for the third time, or maybe the fourth (truthfully, I’m not sure)—I was relieved to be going home… and completely empty.

Here we go again.

How do I not mess this up?
I can do it.
I think I can do it…
Wait—can I? 🤍
And what does “do it” even mean?

Does it mean apologizing… and re‑apologizing… to the people who never gave up on me?

Does it mean carrying shame into rooms, jobs, and conversations I once got wrong?

Does it mean changing everything—where I live, what I do, who I know—just to outrun my triggers?

I don’t know what “do it” means for you.
But I know what it means for me.
It means small goals.
Tiny. Itty‑bitty. Sometimes barely visible goals. ✨
Like:
• Getting through a weekend ✅
• Putting the laundry away (not just washing it) 👕
• Making my bed 🛏️
• Sitting with my daughter for five more minutes because her story isn’t done yet 📚
• Quietly thanking the Man upstairs for another day 🙏
These little goals add up.

And this weekend, they’re carrying me to a big one: my first 5K since coming out of treatment 🏃‍♀️🎽
It’s the second year in a row I’ll run this race with my daughter, and I’m proud.
Proud that even when I slipped, I didn’t stop.
Proud that my goals kept me moving forward.

And forward—that’s the goal.

Always forward. 💪➡️💛

01/05/2026

Why do you drink? 🍷
Boredom? 😐
Stress? 😵‍💫
Celebration? 🎉
An argument? 😤
The weather? 🌧️☀️

When people ask me why, I want to say:
“Because the sun came up.” 🌅
Not because that’s the answer—but because there often isn’t one. 🤷‍♀️

Asking someone who struggles with this why can be one of the hardest questions.
If there were a clear reason, there’d be a clear fix. 🧩

So maybe don’t ask why. ❌

If you really want to understand, spend a little time reading the stories shared here—or mine. 📖💬
That’s where the answers live. ❤️

Happy Friday. 🎈🥂 (or not 😉)

Every

23/04/2026

When Small Things Become Heavy: Notes From a Breaking Point

Part 3: Why Did I Give Myself Grace Then… But Not Now?

Here’s the question I can’t let go of.
During cancer, I gave myself grace.

I didn’t measure my worth by productivity.
I didn’t call myself a failure when things slipped.
I accepted help.
I rested without guilt.

Somehow, during addiction and mental health recovery, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve the same compassion.
I expected myself to “perform” at home.
To carry it all.
To be better faster.
And that double standard — the one where illness earns grace but struggle does not — nearly broke me.

Recovery isn’t about strength.
It’s about permission.
Permission to rest.
Permission to ask for help.
Permission to not carry everything alone.
I’m learning — slowly — to give myself the same grace I once offered without question.

If this brings up anything heavy, pause, take a breath, and remember you’re here now.

22/04/2026

They don't know.

They don't know what you hide, what you hold in, or what you lie about. They don't know because they can't stand the thought of knowing. Every good day for you, is a good year for them. But what they don't know is that you are so desperate to claw out of this existence you will do almost anything, even if it means continuing to use. What they don't know is you would give anything for it to end. Even if it means running yourself into a tree. You would give anything to be free from the pain of something you CANNOT control. I feel bad for them, more so for them then myself because they don't know. They can't know, until they are forced to know.

If you are struggling, I do know. I want to know. I have known. I am here for you. I am selling NOTHING but my time, energy and ear, I am here, because I know.

I keep posting this picture of a lotus flower because it continues to grow and thrive in the murkiest of circumstances. It represents beauty in mud. And, that's what I feel like most of the time, trapped in mud but hopeful that something beautiful will emerge from it.

I know.

22/04/2026

Journal Entry – November 16, 2024

Action:
Buy an alarm caddy for my medication so I can remember to take my meds daily.
Intent for Today:
Self-reflection and writing.
Keeping the journal going.
Reframing my thoughts on stress.
Being purposeful with my self-care.
Wins So Far:

Completed 1 mile on the treadmill ✅

It’s 1:15 PM, and my family will be here in 15 minutes. I’m hopeful today goes better than our last conversation. I feel both excited and anxious.
I understand that they have every right to feel nervous about me coming home from the hospital. Trust will take time—and I’m committed to earning it. I will try my hardest. I know what is at stake if I don’t change.

Today’s Anxiety—And How I’m Reframing It

Family visit → I get to hug everyone.
Workplace embarrassment → I can become a better employee.
Being home alone → If I’m alone, I can meditate.
The idea of going home—and the idea of not going home → I am up to the challenge.
Bills, budget, adulting → Independence and freedom come with being a responsible adult.
The house holds many painful memories → I can create a space that makes me feel good.
Never having a drink again → I never have to feel awful again.
That is enough for one day.

At group today, we watched a TED Talk about how stress can actually be helpful—if we view it as something meant to support us, not harm us.
That perspective shifted something for me.
The stress of my cancer diagnosis triggered my PTSD, which ultimately led me to this addiction inflection point. But that same stress also drove me to fight—and I fought hard.
And I won.

I am grateful for today’s lessons, the people I was able to speak with, and the life I still get to live.

PS: My favorite meditation is Deandre on the FitOn app.

What I’m Proud of Today

I showed up for myself with intention and self-reflection.
I kept my journal going, even when things feel heavy.
I completed 1 mile on the treadmill, choosing movement and care for my body.
I faced my anxiety about seeing my family with honesty instead of avoidance.
I reframed my stress and fears into opportunities for growth.
I recognized the importance of trust—and committed to earning it through my actions.
I acknowledged my past, especially cancer and PTSD, without letting it define my future.
I chose gratitude for the life I get to live today.

22/04/2026

Hey all - sober girl here, living life with purpose and not fear. Sober date.... I have many. Focusing on what counts, and not counting the days.

If you could do one thing, and know you wouldn't fail, what would it be? For me - I would quit my job and open up a dog sanctuary. Is that lofty? I think not... What's yours? I am often amazed at the answers I get to this question. The things people say are so attainable but fear holds us back. What is holding you back?

22/04/2026

When Small Things Become Heavy: Notes From a Breaking Point

Part 2: The Weight of the Small Things

My triggers weren’t dramatic either.
They were… ordinary.

Clothes left out.
Dishes in the sink.
Wrappers on the floor.
Unmade beds.
Open drawers.
Dogs that still needed care.
Kids who still needed everything.
None of these things are a crisis on their own.
Together, they became a story I told myself: If I don’t complete these, I have failed.

And when it feels like everything is on you — the logistics, the emotional labor, the invisible list that never ends — it’s easy to slip into isolation without realizing it.

This wasn’t about mess or organization.
It was about responsibility without relief.

I didn’t go dark because the house wasn’t perfect.
I went dark because I felt alone inside expectations, I never gave myself permission to set down.

If this brings up anything heavy, pause, take a breath, and remember you’re here now.

21/04/2026

When Small Things Become Heavy: Notes From a Breaking Point

This series discusses mental health, hospitalization, and recovery. Details are shared with care and intention.

Part 1:
The moment I realized something was really wrong wasn’t dramatic.
It was quiet.
I was exhausted.
And I couldn’t explain how I ended up there.

I remember sitting in hospital-issued clothes — the kind that strip away all sense of dignity — trying to understand how I’d gone from “holding it together” to needing inpatient care. I hadn’t followed through on hurting myself, but even getting that close scared me more than I want to admit.
What surprised me most wasn’t the setting.
It was how mentally wiped I felt.
No big explosion.
Just a long build‑up of pressure I didn’t realize I was carrying alone.
That night, I wrote down a few words before sleep because I needed proof that the moment was real — and that I had survived it.

I used to think breaking points announced themselves loudly.
I’ve learned they’re often quiet, cumulative, and misunderstood — especially by the person living inside them.

If this brings up anything heavy, pause, take a breath, and remember you’re here now.

11/04/2026

Quick check‑in 🧠💛
If you could pick ONE thing you want to hear more about from me, what would it be?

1️⃣ Healing & choosing faith over fear
2️⃣ Light, fun reminders (because life is heavy enough)
3️⃣ Honest reflections from the messy middle
4️⃣ Practical mindset shifts that help day‑to‑day

Drop the number below ⬇️

I’m listening.

10/04/2026

Quick reminder from the universe (and soda fountains):

You will never see Coke and Pepsi on the same menu 🥤
Apparently even restaurants know… pick one.

Fear and faith? Same rules apply 🧠👀

Every day I get to decide which one gets the space.

Fear may try to walk in uninvited, but faith is the one I keep seated.
Choosing faith over fear helps me stomp out what doesn’t serve me —
while I heal, protect my peace, and occasionally have dramatic kitchen dance parties 💃✨

So tell me…
what are you officially removing from today’s menu?
🚫😨 ➡️ ✅🙏🥤🎶

09/04/2026

Motivation looks different for everyone…
Mine sounds like this 🎧👇

🎸 Maybe It’s Time — Sixx:A.M.
🙌 Lead Me — Sanctus Real
🪩 Good as Hell — Lizzo (mandatory kitchen dancing encouraged)

Books. Songs. Journals. Sometimes all three at once.
Honestly? They’re Swiss cheese — imperfect, hole‑y, but still doing the job 🧀

(Shout‑out to my #5 article There’s Still Hope for the Swiss cheese wisdom.)

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