Everyday Boundaries (2026)

09/02/2023

We are going to have complaints. Get in the habit of asking yourself, ‘What need do I have here?’ and sharing the need.

Your partner is going to have complaints too. Get in the habit of listening for what their need could be. Internal thought 💭, ‘Oooof this feels tough to hear. Let me see if I can get to the root of what they are asking for here. What’s the need?’

When we practice this, we are more likely to hear each other and stay in connection longer during conflict. And this is definitely not an easy practice.

(And we don’t have to stay in connection when there’s disrespect. Name the disrespect if it’s safe to do so; set boundaries around this; call for a relational time out if you need to.)

A little more in my stories later on today. Meet me there!

Community, what’s coming up for you in today’s post?

xo,
Erin

06/02/2023

People-pleasing recovery isn’t simply learning how to say no. Here is some of the work that others don’t necessarily see:

1. Self-awareness: Looking at our patterns and how we are showing up. Looking at how we are holding boundaries and where we are challenged.

2. Self-discovery: Examining where some of our challenges began. Where were these patterns learned?

3. Self-understanding: Looking at how those patterns served us at some point, also looking at the costs of maintaining them.

4. Self-forgiveness: For the cost of people-pleasing; for self-abandoning and self-betraying behaviors; for the pain we’ve endured; for not knowing what we know now.

5. Self-compassion: Holding as much love and compassion for ourselves and our story as possible as we courageously create new patterns.

6. Self-advocacy: Learning and implementing new ways of being in the world. Challenging ourselves to be kind self-advocates.

There is much more to people-pleasing recovery. Some may need to work closely with a somatic experiencing practitioner, or other, specialist to release stored trauma in the body and recalibrate the nervous system. (I have some referrals for those needing this important, specialized work.)

➡️ Those who recognize people-pleasing patterns, where do you find yourself at this point in time? (We may need to cycle through this work again and again.)

We’ll be covering some of this and more in my course launching this summer for recovering people-pleasers. Sign up at the link in my bio to be the first to know when the course is available.

Rooting for you (and me),
Erin 💛

26/01/2023

Periodically I recognize that I need some support with my boundaries.

Here are a few indicators for me:

• When I am focusing on other people’s experiences more than usual;

• I’m overly concerned with how something impacts someone else and not on how it impacts me;

• I want to control my partner’s actions;

• My relationships feel one-sided;

• I feel anxious or overwhelmed constantly.

For me, boundary support might look like:

• Spending some time in quiet, focused reflection;

• Journaling;

• Reading pieces of literature about boundaries that resonate with me;

• Reviewing my Instagram posts (or browsing other people’s posts about boundaries & people-pleasing);

• Owning my behavior with my partner;

• Reaching out to close friends or people in my coaching circle for accountability;

• Connecting with a therapist that I’ve worked with through the years that specializes in codependency.

➡️ Support does NOT look like: blaming or judging myself for feeling stuck or needing help.

And if I’m not intentional about addressing these areas, my thoughts and behaviors become more and more of a challenge for me and my relationships (they don’t just go away).

I’ve embraced that boundary work will be a part of my life’s journey. 💖

Community, what are some of your biggest signs that let you know that you need support with your boundaries? ⬇️

xo,
Erin

24/01/2023

Here’s a script you can modify if you’re trying to change some long-standing patterns in your relationship, and you want to do so explicitly.

Oftentimes we will simply state our boundaries to others. And in some of our closer, safer relationships it can be helpful to give more context, especially if we are changing a fairly reliable pattern/dynamic in the relationship.

Take some or all of this, whatever works for you. Consider which relationships a script like this would be helpful for, and which ones it wouldn’t be helpful for.

What other kinds of scripts might you want to see? (I’ll try to address these in the near future!)

xo,
Erin

20/01/2023

Who’s been here?
Request comes in, we overcommit (or it was more responsibility than what we thought), and we become frustrated and upset at the requester.

🙋🏽‍♀️

Maybe they are unreasonable.

Maybe they have too much drama all of the time and it’s exhausting you.

Maybe they do need to get it together.

The truth is we can’t fully control the incoming requests; we can only control our outgoing responses to them.

Your control center is YOU.

Check in before you commit. Ask questions (Is this a yes for me? What exactly are they looking for here? Does this work for me too?) Negotiate what works for you if you want to provide support. (Because they need $500 or need you for 8 hours doesn’t mean that’s what you want to/have capacity to give.) If the ask becomes more than what you anticipated, how do you support yourself there? How can you say no when you need to in your best way possible?

Do the work on the front end to save you some frustration on the back end.

Acknowledge where you have contributed to what’s coming up for you and do some self-inquiry around how you might support yourself a little better next time.

Ask yourself, is there a boundary needed? Between you and another? Between you and YOU?

What’s coming up for you in this post community?

💛
xo,
Erin

17/01/2023

Wouldn’t it be nice if someone came to us and said, “I insist. I’m not going to let you do another thing”, and took the responsibilities right off of our plate?

Every so often someone will come along and read past our “I’m fine” to see that we’re struggling. “You’re doing a lot. Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

And so much of the time we say, “No. No. Really, I’m fine.”

No one is going to wrestle the responsibility away from our hands. They may not see that we are drowning. And what we do works so well for ‘everyone’, why would they disrupt what’s working?

We’ll have to make requests.

Hold boundaries.

Release ourselves from the responsibility of doing it all.

And care for ourselves and our nervous system when we do. Because there’s a fearful, anxious part of us that will resist releasing the grip that we have on all of these responsibilities.

To us, these responsibilities have meant we have value, they’ve meant that we’ve maintained connections, they’ve meant that we’ve reduced conflict, they’ve meant security.

For reflection: Is there something I am holding responsibility for that I want to release? Why is it right for me to release this? What challenges might I encounter in releasing it? Am I prepared to release this now? What is my plan? What support will I need if I choose to release this?

Rooting for you (and me).

xo,
Erin

13/01/2023

How many of us believe/believed the fairytale that our partners will get us completely and anticipate our every need?

Hi. 🙋🏽‍♀️

And how many of us have been hit with the reality that getting our needs met can be frustrating, even confusing at times? (Like, what needs can I ask for and then what’s my responsibility?)

Hi, again. 🙋🏽‍♀️

To have a chance at getting our relational needs met we have to:

Identify our needs.
Express our needs.
Collaborate with our partners to get these needs met.

This also requires that our partners collaborate with us on getting these needs met. We can’t force them to do anything. We can share the impact on us and the relationship when our needs are and aren’t met. And we can set some boundaries with ourselves and each other around specific needs.

And it’s worth noting that the same is expected of us in our partnerships.

Our needs may be pretty stable over time, or they may change entirely. What it looks like to satisfy those needs is likely to be a little bit more fluid over the lifespan of our relationships. (Support once looked like ___. Today it looks a little bit more like ___.)

I just finished reading Getting to Zero written by my teacher and Relationship School founder, . If you’re looking to learn how to navigate conflict in your high stakes relationships, including needs, values, and how to listen to your partner, I recommend this book. I will be re-reading it again with my partner in 2023.

Community, what’s resonating with you in today’s post?

xo,
Erin

12/01/2023

It’s by our permission that we allow ourselves to take up a little bit more space, to go after things, to speak a little bit more of our truth, to be more of you.

Permission can feel really HUGE. Like, ‘Who am I to take up any more than this tiny little lane of mine’?

And it can feel uncomfortable at first.

So maybe you can start small.

Maybe it’s walking with your shoulders back and chin up today.

Maybe it’s getting to the meeting early and getting the best seat in the room.

Maybe it’s sharing an idea that you have in the meeting.

Maybe it’s asking for just a little bit of help with something.

Maybe it’s carving out some time for yourself this week.

Keep giving yourself permission to show up more fully as you.

What are some small ways that you can give yourself permission today?

09/01/2023

Sometimes we don’t set boundaries, even when we know it would be supportive, because we don’t want to encounter any conflict, including conflict within ourselves (i.e. guilt).

We’ve probably all been in a space of, “Things are good right now, I don’t need any drama in my life”.

And, our decision not to set a boundary isn’t without consequence. ➡️ Here are a few things that can happen:

1. The behavior remains unaddressed which means that they think that whatever they are doing is okay with you; and it’s not. And it’s possible that they will repeat similar undesirable behavior again.

2. When we don’t set boundaries that we intend to set we have to deal with any internal consequences that come up. Those might be feelings of self-betrayal, shame, worthiness, etc.

3. The relationship may become strained as we feel frustrated, annoyed, angry, even violated, by the other person. And if it continues a wall of resentment may grow and we may distance ourselves from this person completely.

Sometimes we will choose not to follow through on our boundaries for very thoughtful, important, personal reasons, and there may still be conflict and consequences that we have to navigate.

Community, what would you add as a challenge that arises when we don’t set boundaries? ⬇️

xo,
Erin

06/01/2023

Our boundaries emerge out of our histories, our lived experiences, our challenges.

In our relationships, some of our boundaries will be responsive. For example, something happens between us that doesn’t feel okay and, in response, one or both/all of us create a boundary that wasn’t previously there (or perhaps it was there and needs to be reinforced).

Sometimes we will share our boundaries proactively. For example if I know that a certain kind of intimate touch isn’t comfortable for me, I can share that in advance, before there is an encounter.

In our relationships some of our boundaries will evolve from our shared experiences together. And as we deepen our connections, new boundaries may be necessary that support your dynamic relationship - boundaries that you didn’t know were needed and boundaries that you may not have been comfortable sharing previously.

It’s common for boundaries to emerge later in relationships, not necessarily because anything “bad” happened, but because someone in the relationship is feeling safer, and safety can open us up to share more and share more openly.

However they arise, I’m a believer in boundaries and their *capacity to enhance connection in relationships. And sometimes this takes time.

What is resonating with you today from this post? Would love to hear in the comments below. 💛

xo,
Erin

27/12/2022

It can be helpful to remember:

We can’t force someone to change who isn’t ready to or doesn’t want to change.

As hard as we may try, we can’t force someone to see things from our perspective.

We can’t force someone to meet our needs who can’t or doesn’t want to meet our needs.

We can’t force connections with people.

We can’t force healing. It’s a process that looks different for all of us.

We can’t force someone to forgive who isn’t ready to forgive.

For reflection: ✍🏽

What is resonating for me right now is _____.

This resonates with me because _____.

Right now I feel _____. (Unburdened, relieved, challenged, frustrated, scared, worried, concerned, light, heavy, etc.).

I feel that in my body ____(where).

What I need right now is _____ (what feels nourishing and supportive right now?).

xo, 💖
Erin

23/12/2022

Remember, you don’t have to do it all alone. Take your friends and family up on their offer to support you!

Your hospitality isn’t diminished by accepting support from others! 💛💛💛

Big love,
Erin

Everyday Boundaries

09/02/2023

06/02/2023

26/01/2023

24/01/2023

20/01/2023

17/01/2023

13/01/2023

12/01/2023

09/01/2023

06/01/2023

27/12/2022

23/12/2022

Address

Website

Alerts

Contact The Business

Shortcuts

Share