Lullababy Sleep

04/10/2020

I’ve said this before.. I sleep trained my first born at 4 months using a “gentle” approach. It worked and I began to swear by it. With my second I started to train her just like my first until it didn’t work and I began doing research into alternatives. ⠀
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Prior to my journey of becoming a baby led sleep and well being specialist, I was apart of a sleep training group. Now that I look back at this group, I do nothing but cringe at some of the “success stories” and mamas supporting other mamas to let their child cry themselves to sleep. ⠀
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Have you ever cried yourself to sleep as an adult? What ends up happening? You fall asleep from exhaustion right? Same thing happens with children except they also learn to stop signalling because no one is coming. ⠀
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I’m by no means mom shaming those who choose to go the route of sleep training. I want you to know there are alternatives out there. Be informed. You likely did all sorts of research when you bought your stroller or car seat for your child because you wanted them to be safe and comfortable so do the same for when you are researching sleep for your child.

27/09/2020

Another letter in my series of posts called ‘an open letter’⠀
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I want you to know I love you. ⠀
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When we’re rushing out the door in the morning and I am frantically trying to get you to put your shoes on the right feet, I want you to know I love you.⠀
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In those moments where I brush you off because I’m trying to focus on something other than offering you my undivided attention, I still love you. ⠀
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You are loved even on the worst of days when I’ve reached my breaking point and you’re testing my every boundary. ⠀
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I want you to know I’ll love you through the highs and the lows of your life. ⠀
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Even on the days where you are angry, frustrated and full of emotions. I still love you. ⠀
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I’ll still love you if you come to me in many years from now saying you’re in trouble and need help. Even when you skip school or fail a test. I will still love you. ⠀
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When you go off and start your own life apart from me, I will always love you and hope that my love is enough to remind you that you are enough. That you will always be loved by me even if you’re half way across the country. ⠀
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My love for you has no boundaries, limits or conditions. It is unconditional and it is sacred. It rests in the very notion that you can be whoever you want to be and I will still love you. ⠀
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My constant love for you should never feel questioned because it is everlasting. It is predictable and true. It is a strong presence even without my physical presence.⠀
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This requires much more than verbally telling you that I love you and my goal will always be to support you in all ways possible so that you know the feeling of being loved and all that comes with it. ⠀
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With love,⠀
Mama

21/09/2020

You aren’t creating bad habits you are creating patterns of predictability. ⠀
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I get this a lot.. people worrying that they’re creating a “bad habit” for nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep, or bouncing to sleep. ⠀
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You are supporting your child to sleep. You aren’t creating a bad habit. Unfortunately parents are made to feel like doing any of the above is a bad thing. As if it’s a big no no when you’re a parent to do the basics of caring for your child. The basic necessity being a safe and caring environment. ⠀
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You are creating what I call a pattern of predictability. One that signals to the child that you will be there for them and that you acknowledge their need for comfort. Ultimately their need for you as their caregiver. ⠀
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As a parent you will never look back and say you regret following your instincts and responding to your baby and their needs. You are their place of safety, comfort and you are their calm. ⠀
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When you think back to some of your earliest memories of being hurt, sick or sad, I bet you that all you wanted was the one caregiver who consistently responded to you and your needs. ⠀
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So when you think that you’re creating a “bad habit”, just remember you are meeting the basic needs of your child. It is a BASIC need. It should not get any more complicated than that so don’t make it more than what it is. Support your baby. ⠀
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Drop a 🤍 if this is something you needed to hear today.

20/09/2020

I see this a lot.. people wondering what they should or shouldn’t be doing with their child(ren). What works for one family may not work for another. What works for one child may not work for another. ⠀
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Every family also has very different perspectives on how their child(ren) should be raised, so who am I to tell anyone any differently. ⠀
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My approach isn’t one that seeks to identify issues in YOUR family rather it is to provide a holistic overview of what’s working and what isn’t for your family based on what YOU tell me and I inform and educate. ⠀
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That being said, there is no wrong or right way to parenting. There is your way and that’s all that matters.

18/09/2020

Ditch those parenting books that tell you what to expect. They do nothing but create a social construct of a “normal” child when in reality, every child is unique. Instead get the books where the focus is set on the child in relation to their parent and the dynamics between the two. ⠀
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I’m in no way dismissing the work of the authors of parenting books. Some books on the market are meant to prepare you for what to expect. While those are great, they create a social construct of what a “normal” baby is according to someone else. ⠀
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Instead I want to shift the focus to books that offer more of a critical thinking approach into you as a parent and the role that you play in your child’s upbringing. ⠀
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By gaining insight into how we were raised by our parents and how it may impact how we parent our own children we can begin to unpack some of our own triggers such as why you get so bothered by your child’s tears or your struggles to set loving boundaries. ⠀
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We have an idealized version of what our children should behave like and when that becomes compromised from our child(ten) acting in a way that goes directly against our values as parents our ego gets called upon. ⠀
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Once we acknowledge our own inner dialogue and our reactions to certain situations, we can then understand more about our triggers. ⠀
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Now, this all comes with work. Internal and external work that involves finding the right resources and even counsellors. My point is, no book is going to fully prepare you for the internal work that needs to take place as a parent. It’s not something you can prepare for ahead of time. It’s something in the moment you will know and when you know, you can find the space to move forward in the appropriate manner to better yourself as the parent you want to be.

16/09/2020

A need for connection is just as important as physical needs. ⠀
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The sleep industry has been set in a way that if a child’s physical needs are being met then there is no room for any need for connection. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s set up in a way that discourages any sort of interaction or very minimal to the point that you can’t even talk to your child in the middle of the night. Wild right? ⠀
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The current paradigm doesn’t validate the need for connection that babies have especially to create a secure and responsive attachment. ⠀
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It requires parents to treat their child like a robot and talk to them in a monotone voice repeating the same message over and over again. ⠀
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It expects a child to achieve something they’re not developmentally capable of doing and makes parents feel they’re the problem/responsible for their child’s sleep. ⠀
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It sets a stage for fear mongering by offering a quick fix solution to parents when they are at their lowest point by offering a guarantee in x amount of days without delving into the impacts of their methods on the development of the child.⠀
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It rests on the notion that children should be left in the crib for a minimum of an hour regardless of how short the child’s nap was as if it were some sort of punishment to the child for not sleeping the desired amount of time according to the parent/sleep trainer.⠀
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It pathologizes baby’s sleep and suggests it’s something that needs to be “fixed” rather than acknowledging and meeting the child/family where they’re at and normalizing what infant sleep is. ⠀
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It generalizes children and offers generalized plans rather than recognizing sleep is a puzzle and every family and child’s circumstances are different so their puzzles are different, some easier, some harder. ⠀
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This is by no means meant to shame parents who choose/chose to sleep train. I went that route with my first but had I had the knowledge and information to make an informed decision, I wouldn’t have. I chose the quick fix solution without knowing the impact it may have on my child.

16/09/2020

15/09/2020

I hated everyone always telling me it will get better. I felt like I needed something tangible to hold onto and in that moment, telling me it will get better isn’t what I needed to hear. So, instead of telling a new mom it will get better, let’s give her a take away.⠀
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What I needed to hear were things like:⠀
💫In the first year your baby attaches through its senses so that is why they don’t ever want to be put down or;⠀
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💫There will be so many ups and downs as developmental PROgressions happen but that the good will always outweigh the bad because it means your baby is going through developments that require your support to work through or;⠀
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💫Even though it may seem like every baby around you is already sleeping through the night, most babies don’t sleep through the night before a year;⠀
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💫Follow flexible routines instead of rigid schedules and it will fell less stressful on those tough days;⠀
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💫It’s okay to nurse,rock,bounce, etc your baby to sleep, he/she will be OKAY;⠀
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💫You may feel the urge to want to find a quick solution to what you’re going through but remember quick doesn’t always mean better; ⠀
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💫What are your instincts telling you to do/not to do? Great, follow them. ⠀
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These are just a few messages I could have used in those earlier months that would have made me feel much better than “it will get better”.⠀
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What about you? What message do you think you could have used looking back now? Comment below 👇🏽

13/09/2020

Picture this.. your partner is in their bed crying uncontrollably. You set your watch for timed check ins and as soon as he/she is quiet that clock starts over again. . ⠀
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Sounds absurd right? ⠀
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You wouldn’t ignore your partner when they’re crying so why would you leave your baby to cry and expect them to learn to “self soothe” by doing so..⠀
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Let me make this clear..⠀
👉🏽It is normal for your baby to wake up to feed at night⠀
👉🏽It is normal for your baby to require some support to fall asleep or fall back asleep⠀
👉🏽Your baby has an intrinsic need to be soothed by a caregiver in order to form a secure attachment ⠀
👉🏽You should be responding to your baby and his/her needs⠀
👉🏽Cry it out methods go against biological instincts for both mom and baby⠀
👉🏽Your baby needs their caregivers to co-regulate emotions so expecting a child in a heightened state to down regulate on their own without having a fully developed hippocampus and pre-frontal cortex is absolutely outrageous ⠀
👉🏽Your baby is not manipulating you.. again.. a baby’s pre-frontal cortex is underdeveloped and they are in fact born with 25% of their adult brain so suggesting that a baby has the capacity to manipulate a full grown adult is beyond me.. ⠀
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Keep this in mind and make an informed decision when it comes to sleep for your child. This is what I’m all about.. sleep without sleep training.

11/09/2020

Is your baby “sleeping through the night?”⠀
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The most commonly asked question when you become a mom.. but what does that even mean?⠀
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Babies are biologically meant to wake up. It is considered a survival mechanism to signal their needs. As Dr. James McKenna put it..”sleeping through the night may be convenient for parents, so they may choose to practice any number of sleep training methods to speed up the natural process of sleep consolidation. But I can assure you that it has no positive benefits for the child that are not also obtained through a child’s own natural social and biological development”⠀
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Once I let go of MY idea of “sleeping through the night” and accepted that most babies wake up 1-2 times a night for the first year and beyond I became less obsessive over my daughters sleep and that’s when she actually ended up sleeping through without waking up (14 months). It will come when they’re ready. Leaving your baby to figure it out on their own is sending a message that their needs are not valid nor accepted. ⠀
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So let’s stop putting these unrealistic expectations out there because in actuality you WANT your baby to wake for their own safety and well being. ⠀
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So instead of pathologizing infant sleep, let’s normalize.

10/09/2020

It’s okay to..DO YOU! I repeat. It is OKAY. TO. DO. YOU.⠀
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Do what works best for your family and don’t feel any need to justify it to no one. In my experience you can sit there and explain all your reasons for why you do something the way you do but they always seem to end up with a puzzled look or sitting there and offering their two cents. So here’s something that you can say that should stop them right in their track..⠀
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“This is what is working for my family and that’s all that matters”⠀
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Boom. Mic drop.🎤⠀
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Share your stories below about a fellow Karen in your life 👇🏽. If your name is Karen, I’m sorry on behalf of everyone 😶.

09/09/2020

The dichotomy of motherhood...The constant push and pull to be one way or the other but almost never in a way you feel comfortable. ⠀
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The should do this and should do that messages we get inundated with rather than going with what you think is best for you and your family. ⠀
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The feeling of figuring out who you want to be as a mother but also remembering you were someone before becoming a mother and how this all plays a role in your own self care. ⠀
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Whatever message we get as a mother there’s always a dichotomy of some sort and I can go on forever about the different ones I’ve come up against but I’ll leave it here. ⠀
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Can you think of any I haven’t listed? Comment below 👇🏽