howglodoesit (2026)

03/11/2022

Once upon a time when I was having a bad day, I had a formula that worked every time: I would eat a burger (iron + protein), get a good night’s sleep or take a nap, go on a run, and eat dark chocolate. Not necessarily in that order.

None of that works anymore. 💔😖

I can still eat burgers and chocolate, but now I mostly feel heavy and gross rather than replenished after eating a burger. Eating chocolate is still good, but it doesn’t give me the simple emotional boost it used to; the psychological bungee jump I live on is too extreme for the gentle bump of endorphins to do anything but make the ride seem bumpier—not that it was smooth to begin with. 😫

No matter how much I sleep, the brain fog, the spinning double image of the world ( & ), the screaming in my head ( ), and the maddening spasms in my left side ( ) never, ever go away.

Today, in a state of total misery, I pushed myself to put on these shoes and get out there anyway. I’ll feel better after I run, just like I always have, I told myself.

I almost broke down crying on the sidewalk. If the guy at the neighbor’s hadn’t been out there hanging up Christmas lights, I probably would have just sat down right there and let the tears go.

I want to run off the stress, frustration, anger, overwhelm, and anxiety, like I did before. But I can’t. Rowing, bless it, just isn’t the same. I can’t even write about it, which was the other thing I used to do. I would go to a coffee shop alone with my journal and write until I felt better. I can no longer do that.

It feels so cruel that the only coping mechanisms left are the unhealthy ones: TV, social media, spending endless alone time in my house bc I can’t go anywhere and I get SO TIRED of having to ask ppl to take me places or visit me. Makes me angry. And I can’t do anything about it except go back to bed, binge TV and/or social media, and order delivery. Which makes me feel worse, and I can’t do anything about that, either. Which feeds this vicious cycle.

Some days I’m optimistic (like once a year), and some days (most days? every day?) I hate this.

18/08/2022

Salmon, garlicky orzo, arugula salad.

This is not the dinner I planned, not the one I wanted to make. The first day of school also meant the first time our oldest had homework and 8.5YO social anxiety. After 20-30 minutes of intense, hands-on , I realized I’d lost my window of getting a family-favorite dinner on the table by a reasonable time. Nothing throws of the ENTIRE NEXT DAY like the evening routine running late.

This is what it means to parent as a . Once the 💙 and I run out of energy for the day, if we still have to push through the bedtime routine, it can sometimes wreck us for days. We have to let chores slip, we have to cancel things, we let the kids have whatever screens they want for however long they want bc we simply can’t function. We can’t go anywhere or do anything but the absolute bare minimum until we can catch up.

So, short story long😅, I started spiraling into a panic, running through the delivery options, hating myself for falling back on fast food so often, frustrated that I can’t make the beef patties and homemade mac and cheese that I promised my kids this morning. And instead of ordering out, my mom offered to help me make something, and I somehow snapped out of it and threw dinner together myself. (The fact that she hung out with the kids so I could focus on dinner made alll the difference.)

It wasn’t our family favorite. It wasn’t the full day of cozy family traditions that I was trying to make happen. It certainly wasn’t perfect (the salmon was a tad dry, the dressing on the salad was too oily, the garlicky orzo wasn’t that garlicky, it was an hour late). But it also wasn’t takeout. It was healthy, filling, and we all sat down together, thanked the Lord, and listened to the boys talk over each other about their day.

I’m calling it a win.

14/07/2022

How it’s going: 4 years ago today we went to the ER and I didn’t come home for 5 weeks. Today, I went with my kids to a splash pad we’ve never been to before (unfamiliar, slipping hazard, loud, bright light, SO HOT 🥵) and then drove our car to the end of our street and back.

Last night, in the process of nipping a grief spiral in the bud, the 💙 and I came up with a phrase to embody our outlook on life going forward: We have time for recovery, but no time for stroke. This is the first year of recovery that I feel more hope than fear. I’ll be celebrating tomorrow, The Day I Lived, with a full schedule of self care that will include taking a break from social media. See y’all Friday. 😊

05/07/2022

When you’re a whose are worse in the dark, you have a tension headache bc your eyes are constantly straining to focus bc of and , and the headache is making you extra dizzy and nauseated, this is how your watch the .

16/05/2022

[3/3 Continued from previous post]

With such overwhelming emotions lingering like the sword of Damocles, I can’t afford to wait things out. I’ve got doctors appointments on the books, and I’m revisiting the book The Mood Cure that made a noticeable, life-changing difference in my mental and emotional well-being 5 years ago (pre-stroke), when dealing with the stress of parenting, pregnancy, and family problems that were intense enough to send me to therapy. I’m hoping it will help do the same again.

This doesn’t feel like a typical low point; I think this is a breaking point. I don’t even know what broke. I’ll keep y’all posted. This isn’t a “I’m not ok, and that’s ok” post. I’m safe—don’t worry, the 💙 is keeping a close eye and taking very good care of me. This is a “I’m not ok, and that’s ” post. Sometimes, the ending isn’t pretty. Let’s all hope the pink ombré mug makes a comeback soon.

16/05/2022

This weekend, this mother broke. [1/3]

Is this perimenopause? Just that time-of-the-month? The 1 year anniversary of my dad’s passing? Extended caffeine withdrawal? Missing 2 days/doses of antidepressant (it was just 2 days!)? The lack of sleep? The inevitable burnout of the end of the school year? That I haven’t had a big meltdown in a while? That the 4 year anniversary of my stroke is coming up? All of the above???

Whatever it is, this weekend I broke down. I haven’t consistently or formally worked on my recovery in two years. That’s precious time lost, in multiple ways too painful to enumerate.

I started this account bc when I sought out other and accounts looking for resources, hope, and connection, all I found was people full of fire and energy and motivation. That’s great! We need that! But I didn’t see myself in that. I was sad, scared, and angry. So I started this account to talk about that, to show this quieter, harder side of . What looks like. What it looks like to parent when you’re depressed, disabled, and struggling in every way. I wanted to shine a light on the daily pain people sometimes live with in situations like this, and also how much richer we can be when we appreciate love, family, friendship, joy, beauty, and all the lovely things in life in the midst of such suffering. How much, in fact, we need these very things in order to endure the suffering.

Grief comes in waves, and mine has apparently ebbed for a while, because this weekend the tide came in with a vengeance.

Going into my dark closet didn’t help this time. I walked around the house crying bitterly all Saturday evening. While I put away things and did the laundry. While I hid in my room and silently screamed into a pillow and pounded the floor in a haze of grieving rage, prompting the 💙 (bless him) to send the kids outside and come running upstairs to find out what was going on. 😞

[Continued in the next post]

09/05/2022

Doing the laundry, feeding the kids, and making a big dinner on ? YES! ⬇️

For a , especially a survivor, being able to do these basic, mundane things that are normally considered chores from which most mothers would like a break is A BIG DEAL. So when the 3YO threw a little hangry tantrum at lunch and whined for me to please hand feed him his chicken nuggets (at least he said please!), I quickly nipped all my grumpy thoughts in the bud and actively went looking for a positive , inspired by (if you’re a parent, she’s a wonderful follow, highly recommend).

So here’s what I said to myself today:
Whiny, needy kid: I’m proud of myself for meeting my kids’ physical AND emotional needs, and I’m grateful I can be available to help him while he’s learning to be independent.

Laundry: I’m so happy I’m able to take care of my family. (**IMPORTANT** I have NEVER done the laundry in our house, the BHE’s done it every week since we got married. So. )

Dinner: Cooking is probably the thing I enjoy doing most in life, so I am SO HAPPY that I got to spend an entire afternoon searing, sautéing, browning, deglazing, and building a giant pot of luscious Italian to serve with pasta and salad. And hearing tell me *several times* how much he liked absolutely made my day.

After almost 4 years of NOT being able to do so many things with/for my family bc of the , I don’t need a day off to celebrate being a mother. I’m thrilled to live a day where I was able to show my family how much I love them by taking care of them.

04/05/2022

In my Stories I like to post a daily picture of my morning coffee mug, bc I choose my mugs each morning based on my mood at that moment. If you’ve been with me for a while, you know that it’s almost always my big, curvy, pink ombré mug with the gold rim. It’s such a happy color. So happy, so pretty.

But this week is different, so here’s today’s mug, and I’m really feeling it: dark, moody, but still beautiful. And there’s more to this story.

I bought this mug from the potter at an open air market in Charleston on Spring Break in 2008. I was in grad school and I was with a group of undergrad friends that week. Suffice it to say, I learned the hard way that being 25 and finding and buying this mug was the only good memory from that trip.

Or, to put it another way, the earthy colors and baggage on this mug and its story felt really right today.

It’s been a week of fluctuating hormones, unforeseen triggers, emotional eating, tv binging, and mindless scrolling. Is it just That Time Of The Month? Is it just the unexpected triggers? Is it the late nights and early mornings? Do I need to go vegan? Do I need to do a Whole30? Should I cut out dairy, grains, legumes, soy, meat, gluten, sugar, all animal products? I’m not even going to ask about exercise or going outside bc those in themselves are grief triggers. I want to go running or just take walks on the beautiful greenbelt that circles our neighborhood SO BAD, BUT I CAN’T. Yes, there are work-arounds and solutions to be had, but that does not lessen the grief nor mitigate the overwhelm.

I’m going back to bed, and I’ll probably be quiet here for a week or so. I’m ok, everything’s fine, so don’t worry. This is just the unpredictable, heartbreaking nature of and .

26/04/2022

When you lose a loved one, there’s a specific hole. The roots of that loss can go deep and even feel infinite, but everything is tied to that person.

But what if the person you lost…is you? Have I lost myself? Am I lost? What did I lose if not myself, my life as it was, my future as I expected it, and the person I was Before? My body is still here, but the “I” from Before is not. Sometimes, in low moments, I feel like a ghost trying to live from the grave. But I’m not dead. (I’m very thankful for this.)

So who is here? Who am I? In this pressurized, ever-changing life of parenting and fighting to regain functional mobility, dexterity, and visual acuity, I will not be in the same place in six months that I am now.

This is a good thing, but also confusing and tiring. Also uncomfortable, unexpected, and, in a sense, unwelcome. When I was younger I prayed many times for growth, maturity, and wisdom as I aged, but I was not expecting the answer to be a crucible. Yet here I am.

I don’t know what’s happening, or what I’m doing, but I’m glad I’m not alone. ❤️

Thank you all for being here, too. It makes a difference

18/04/2022

Today started out great: woke up at 5:30, drank water, did my , and then tried something to flatten my . Drank 2 tablespoons of in water. On an empty stomach. Then took all my vitamins. 30 minutes later as I was sitting down to read a Bible story to my kids while they ate breakfast, I got that sickening tingle in the corners of my jaw. I made it to the 🚽 in time and threw up everything in my stomach, which was basically just water, vitamins, and coffee.

This is something I don’t talk about often, but for the first week that I was in the rehab hospital post stroke, I vomited convulsively after every meal. I rapidly lost weight and had to be put on IV fluids bc I couldn’t keep even water down reliably. I had to take a bucket with me everywhere, and by the end of my stay, every nurse and therapist that worked with me had held the bucket for me at some point or other. Multiple times, in many cases. Why? Bc of the .

I had a , and the controls the muscles that swallow.

Guys, I almost lost the ability to eat. Think about that.

Back to the stroke: it damaged juuust enough of the swallowing function that I now have constant, rapid, involuntary tremors in my esophagus, diaphragm, and soft palate. I’ve always had a strong gag reflex, but post stroke it became really easy for me to throw up. It’s much better now, but I still have to be cautious bc once I pop, I can’t stop until my stomach is completely empty.

*TRIGGER WARNING for very dark mental health places*

**Don’t worry, I myself am currently in a good place. 😊**

Between the vomiting, urinary catheters, and enemas, I felt like a sentient sack of human grossness. I didn’t feel like a person, I felt like a dying animal with the self-awareness of a human being. It was awful. I suddenly understood why people want to stop living.

Thankfully, that darkness is far away now, but this morning brought me back. 😩 It reminded me of how far I’ve come, and yet how fragile I still am. So I’m not going to attack Monday like I planned. I’m going to get back in bed, rest, and do things that make me feel human. It’s important.

06/04/2022

✨ Look good, feel good.✨ Today included a particularly tough speed bump, so I put on more makeup than usual.

Nothing happened, everything’s fine. It just hit me, all at once and out of nowhere, and very, very hard, that this year I:

- will have to surrender my driver’s license indefinitely, possibly for good
- will probably get a handicap tag for the car I can’t drive
- will probably start walking with a cane
- turn 40

I’ve been dreading that first one since I was in the hospital in 2018. Not being able to drive is frustrating to the point of being maddening, and it’s the one thing that truly burdens our family.

I’ve been dreading the second one for almost as long. And I’ve only lately realized that it would be helpful if I used an assistive device like a cane or walking stick in public, mostly as a way to signal to people around me that I may need help, or at the very least, extra space. It’s a smart move, but I still dread it. All three of these things have always felt to me like a white flag of surrender, like giving up. I’m a for life, that will never change, but I don’t want this to be where I stop. Mentally, I don’t want to accept that I’m a person who may never drive again (disclaimer: the 💙 *adamantly* believes I will drive again someday, bless him🥰), or someone who needs handicap parking and a cane just to go outside my house.

FWIW, turning 40 and all the gray hairs I have pale by comparison. hits different when you’ve almost died and are still fighting for your life. Although I do grieve the dreams I had that the stroke took from my future.

So long story short, I cried my eyes out today, and then fed everyone and applied makeup until I felt pretty. And no matter what anybody else thinks, according to the 3YO: “Wow you look so byooful Mama! You look like a fairy!”

So there. 🧚‍♂️ ✨Look good, feel better.✨

12/03/2022

I’m crying because
- tomorrow will be WEEK 3 of hoarse (or no) voice and not being able to draw a full breath without coughing
- fatigue and brain fog feel so terrible
- I feel stupid and useless (see above re: brain fog and fatigue)
- there’s a terrible war going on
- I hate all this suffering and injustice
- I feel helpless (see above)
- people I care about are losing loved ones
- so many people I know have died recently
- I CAN’T SEE STRAIGHT 😭😭😭
- standing up and walking are so exhausting
- I can’t write out how I feel
- between fatigue and meds, I can’t take a single step, or even stand in place, without losing my balance
- I’m angry and upset about all the things I can’t change
- it’s Daylight Savings this weekend (see above)

The works great to keep my head above water during normal times, but when the obstacles pile on, I spiral pretty quick, and pretty hard. It’s a familiar path. 😞

Gratitude Flex: I am thankful for
- , aka The Best Husband Ever 💙 💙, for selflessly taking over the kids even though he’s had A TON of work going on for the past week (including weekends🥵)
- the kids’ spring break, which gives us all a break from alarm clocks and that early morning rush
- friends and family (both near and far) who always close ranks and lean in to support our whole family when the going gets tough
- excellent healthcare insurance, providers, and resources that are readily available 24/7
- the ability to get in bed at 6:30pm on a Friday night when I’m not feeling well and stay there until 10am Saturday (ok that’s just wishful thinking—but I am already in bed👍✅)

howglodoesit

03/11/2022

18/08/2022

14/07/2022

05/07/2022

16/05/2022

16/05/2022

09/05/2022

04/05/2022

26/04/2022

18/04/2022

06/04/2022

12/03/2022

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