Couples Help

16/10/2026

15/10/2026

Most partners can feel it long before there’s any proof. Something shifts. The silence sounds different.

And when they finally find the courage to ask, too often they’re told they’re imagining it.

In my work with couples, I’ve come to believe this is often a deeper wound than the affair itself. Not only grief over a betrayal, but months of doubting your own mind.

This week I’m beginning a three-part series: honest letters to the partner keeping the secret. The first is about this, and about what you can still offer before you’re ready to tell the whole truth.

And if you’re the one who sensed something and was told you were wrong: your instincts were working.

Read the full letter here: https://www.coupleshelp.co.za/post/gaslighting-during-an-affair

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14/10/2026

“You’re late again” and “I miss you” can come from the exact same hurt. Only one of them invites the other person to come closer.

When we’re in pain, our first instinct is to protect ourselves, and it often comes across as an accusation. The person on the other side does what we all do: defends, explains, withdraws. My own wound is feeling incompetent, so when I hear criticism, I go straight to “Do you know how hard I work?” And the conversation is over before it’s begun.

But when my wife says “I miss you,” something in me softens. Same hurt. Different doorway.

Learning to speak pain as an invitation rather than a weapon is both a skill and an art, and it can be learned. It’s at the heart of what couples practise in my course, The Art of Loving.

Thank you Nozipho Tshabalala for this conversation on After the Fires, The Podcast. Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/njVRhUKY8xg?si=jVWqAgMrqMTHXm7S

What’s something you’ve said in frustration that was really “I miss you”?

09/10/2026

They say you should never change for love. I don’t know who “they” are, but I don’t agree at all.

I believe changing for love is healthy and necessary, when the change is in how you behave, never in who you are.

Good change is an intentional act of continuous growth. It looks like this: learning to respond more calmly. Listening better. Naming your boundaries. Recognising your fear before you cling, withdraw or push away. That kind of change makes you a better partner, and it makes you stronger.

Unhealthy change looks different. And instead of a conscious decision, it slowly happens over time. You push your values aside. You deny your own needs. You become smaller and quieter, so you’ll be ‘easier to be accepted’ and ‘easier to be loved’. I think that’s where people lose themselves.

Remember, the right kind of growth makes you more yourself, not less.

Which kind of change has your relationship asked of you? And which kind have you asked of your partner?

I shared these thoughts in the series with Koer. You can watch the original Afrikaans video on my page ‘Verander vir ander?’.

07/10/2026

Try This Week: Make room for two

Every week I’ll share one simple thing you can try in your relationship.

None of us stays the same, and thank goodness for that. Because we change, the person we live with now isn’t the person we met.

New work, new dreams, new rhythms. The real risk isn’t the change. It’s believing only one of us has to adapt.

In a relationship, growth means room for two: your world, my world, and the space in the middle where we meet. No one should have to become smaller so the other can grow.

It starts with simple things. Keep talking about what’s becoming important to you. Listen to what’s changing for your partner. Be willing to shift your habits, not to merge, but to let each other in. And when something new comes into your life, make room for it, and for the “us”.

Growth doesn’t have to be a threat. It can be an invitation to see each other in a new light.

This week, try one of the four. Just one. Notice what changes.

Have you left room for your partner to grow? And have they left room for you?

Save this, and share it with the person you’re growing with. 🤍

This topic is from the mini-series with Koer. Watch the video ‘Kies jou maat weer, weer en weer’ on my page.

27/07/2026

How do you tell the difference between a familiar love and a safe love? Nozipho Tshabalala asked this important question during our discussion on her After The Fires podcast.

Many years ago when I started this work, my passion was working with couples who are in a good space, those on the upward trend of love. But over the last ten years in my practice, I’ve worked intensely with relational trauma. Couples who are struggling, couples who are stuck, and couples who simply don’t have the words anymore.

One of things that saddens me the most is this: Our brains don’t automatically choose what is healthy for us, they choose what is familiar to us. 🧠💔

In Episode 2 of the podcast, I sat down with Nozipho Tshabalala to discuss this in depth.

🎧 Listen to the full episode now - https://youtu.be/njVRhUKY8xg?si=Jb4SxLoloeJ0TD56

21/07/2026

Really enjoyed this candid conversation with therealnozi about what it takes to build a love that heals.

The entire episode is available on youtube, you can view it here: https://youtu.be/njVRhUKY8xg?si=7c2dqlqKoU8MWxX8

Thank you, Nozi!

Your brain isn’t always choosing what’s best for you. It’s often choosing what’s familiar.

Healing begins when we recognise that familiar patterns aren’t always healthy ones. The courage to choose differently is where transformation starts.

What familiar pattern are you learning to let go of? 💭

07/07/2026