05/10/2026
Massive wow with this exploration š§
š§ What happens in the gap between wanting something to stop⦠and actually saying stop?
I had a hair spa and facial treatment recently, and partway through it my hair was being pulled so much that I was lying there thinking, I really donāt like this. I want her to stop doing that.
And I said absolutely nothing.
Iām still losing hair from how much it was pulled, which is the part that makes me go⦠seriously? Why didnāt I just say something? This has happened to me multiple times during massages as well.
šæ
That is what got me thinking about this whole phenomenon.
Because when youāve paid for the experience or already agreed to it, there can be this strange moment where you know you hate what is happening and yet somehow still donāt interrupt it.
Youāve booked it. Youāve paid. Theyāre halfway through. They might see something I donāt. They seem nice. Theyāre trying to do a good job. You donāt want to embarrass them, hurt their feelings, seem difficult, or make the whole thing awkward.
You think, Itās nearly finished anyway.
And suddenly your own discomfort and what you know about your own body are being weighed against their feelings.
Even though it is your body.
šæ
S*x can have a very similar layer.
You already said yes to starting. You already kissed them. You already got into bed. You already began. Then something changes and suddenly you donāt want it anymore.
But now thereās all this strange social static around interrupting something you already agreed to.
Will they feel rejected? Will they be annoyed? Will they think I led them on? Maybe Iāll just wait until itās over.
I know that one personally.
I have been r***d, and years later I had s*x where I wanted it to stop and still said nothing. I didnāt give him a different direction. I didnāt say no. I gave him no information that something had changed for me.
But inside me, it had.
And afterwards, the feeling was horribly familiar.
That is the part I think we donāt talk about enough.
You can come away from s*x feeling violated, even close to the edges of r**e, while also knowing the other person may genuinely have had no idea you had stopped wanting what was happening.
Then the self-judgement piles on top.
Why didnāt I say something?
Why didnāt I stop it?
Why did I just let it happen?
šæ
We tend to imagine refusal as a beautifully clean event:
I donāt want this ā I know I donāt want this ā I say stop.
Except humans apparently arenāt that tidy.
Sometimes it is more like:
Maybe Iām overreacting ā maybe this is normal ā I donāt want to embarrass them ā I already said yes ā maybe itāll be over soon ā now it feels too late to say something.
šæ
And then there is another part of this I cannot stop thinking about:
How practised are we actually at speaking up?
It takes a baby around a year of wobbling, falling, practising and building the muscles to stand and walk.
Yet we can expect ourselves to somehow be brilliant at saying no, changing our mind, interrupting someone or telling someone to stop⦠even if we have barely practised doing any of those things.
Then the first time we try, it comes out too loudly, too softly, too late, with tears or with an apology⦠and we think, Well, that didnāt work.
And then we donāt try again.
What if one messy attempt was never proof that we couldnāt speak up?
What if it was simply what an unpractised voice sounds like?
šæ
š Curiousā¦
What happens in the gap between knowing you want something to stop⦠and being able to make the words come out?
Where in your life do you know what you want but find it strangely difficult to say?
What if one awkward attempt at speaking up was not proof that you were bad at it?
And what if you gave yourself the same twelve months of wobbling, falling over and getting it wrong that we happily give a baby learning to walk ā and none of it meant you were failing?
šæ
Research that made me curiousā¦
Hospital patients: 30.5% of patients who experienced a problem did not always feel comfortable speaking up.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30269059/
ICU patients/families: 50ā70% reported hesitancy about raising concerns.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30002146/
S*xual consent: women described not knowing they could withdraw consent, not knowing how, and sometimes continuing unwanted s*x.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10903583/
Workplace silence: meta-analysis of 84 studies, 34,975 people, found a consistent link between silence and burnout.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40437815/