14/06/2026
There is a disappointment that i don’t hear many speaking of.. when you’ve had to continuously hold yourself and life together with tremendous responsibility and obligation to many roles to be told by people who don’t possess the skill to keep safety in connection a priority “to just relax”, “to lean in” or whats the most disappointing is not being met with enough respect for what you have done to know yourself so when you do speak and act its “too much” or you’re really “full on”.
I believe we are in a world that lacks understanding and most people are doing their best.
Ive learned if we accept and live our standards then we need to be patient to communication styles, to letting someone in, to building trust slowly through new experiences.
There is a point of let down i reached over 10years ago and i was gaslight so hard i forgot who i was for a long time so once i got passed the disappointment i held for myself, once i forgave myself i bumped up my standards that id be receiving in the future, first out of sheer will and no one ever getting let in to hurt me again. It was rigid, it had to be.
Now… disappointment isn’t the end or an opportunity to cut and run, it’s more a case by case scenario of letting curiosity lead.
How do we bring the skills we learned from having to hold ourselves for so long and start to make it flexible when we establish safety. The answer is a lot more work and finding the right people.
The right people in my preferred scenario can remain curious and patient with me too.
Once you can understand how hard its been for someone else, how maybe they had no choice to be held by others because the betrayal was too big, and also how trying for connection and taking it all personally makes the experience invalid for the one who first spoke up being a huge reason i see a lot of relationships not work out.
If you can hold yourself and you do better self soothing and struggle with discernment or feeling like you are wrong because you cant be as open as others - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
You are not too much.
And i wish you heard more “I am sorry you had to hold yourself so tightly and that you did it alone”.
I understand.
