27/08/2026
I think everybody, not just kids, do everything they do, for one of 3 overarching reasons:
1. Because they want to.
2. Because somebody they have a connected relationship with is asking them to, and they are capable of doing it.
3. Because they are afraid of what will happen if they don't.
This obviously assumes that the person *can*, ever, physically, literally do the thing, because you can’t motivate someone or even scare someone into doing something they literally can not ever do. (But their capacity to do the thing might fluctuate. Sometimes I can give a 3 hour intensive workshop but then when I go home and get in bed you can’t wake me up an hour later and ask me to do it again just cause I could earlier that day!)
Tangible rewards, extrinsic motivation, sticker charts, and so on, are usually #3 disguised as #1. People think, “But the kids LOVE the sticker chart, they love getting prizes from the treasure box!” when actually, the motivation in the kid’s body is fear of NOT getting to be the one who gets something from the treasure box, or being seen as the only one being “bad”, or whatever.
Behaviorist techniques are often #3 disguised as #2. (when they’re not #3 disguised as #1, like above.) “You’re making Mommy sad” is not “we have a connected relationship and I ask you to graciously do this thing I want”; it’s playing on fear of what it means to make one of your caregivers sad and what that will do to the two of you. Ignoring what a child does if it’s not what you want is not preserving your connected relationship; it’s making them afraid that they’ll be alone if they don’t do what you want.
I think #1 and #2 are the realm that we want to live in with our kids. I'm not saying #3 never ever exists; I'm saying it's not the one we want to lean on in our parenting or professional strategies of how we relate to children (or other humans of any age).
I think you can also invert it to figure out why something isn't happening: They don't want to, and nobody who they have a connected relationship with is asking them to do it. OR, somebody who they have a connected relationship with *is* asking them to do it, but they are not capable of it. OR, somebody is asking them to do it, but it's not somebody they're feeling connected to. (I wouldn't do whatever a random stranger asked me to do, either. Maybe even less so if it was a "loved one" who had recently hurt me.)
Sometimes #3 works. Sometimes it appears to work, and then hits a wall when the kid doesn't want the reward (or fear the punishment) more than they want whatever it is they want. Sometimes the kid literally doesn't have the skills and it doesn't matter how much you reward (or punish) them. And so on.
When I’ve shared this before, sometimes people say, “But the world is mostly #3. You have to do things you don’t like all the time, that’s life, that’s the way it is.”
Maybe, although I feel like that's a kind of bleak way of looking at life. But yes, there are a lot of #3 things that adults have to accept. I would hope that all of those things tend to be due to the systems that we move and operate in, as opposed to the *relationships* that we move and operate in, and since the parent-child dyad is supposed to be a relationship and not a system, I would rather operate it on principles of #1 or #2 whenever possible.
I think “I have to do things I don’t like" is still really either #1 or #3 because I can just ask you "what does ‘have to' mean?" and I think that if you truly keep questioning down, it will always either mean "I want to do it" or "I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't do it".
I have to clean? Why? ...because I think better when my house is clean ( #1) or because I am worried bugs will get in ( #3).
I have to pay bills? Why? ...because I want to be able to use my cell phone for stuff I enjoy ( #1) or because I'm afraid they'll shut my electricity off if I don't ( #3).
[This post was originally written awhile back, so the next bit refers to immediately after my cross-country travel/knee injury incident, specifically.]
I can actively feel right now how my connection with my kids is a little rocky. I’ve asked A LOT of them in the past couple of weeks, what with travel and now with being injured. A lot of times, when I ask them to do something, they yell NO. I can hear that for what it means: “I CANNOT. I am exhausted.” “I’ve been powerless for weeks—you literally kept strapping me into a car—I’m taking my power back and I’m taking it now!” “That’s an adult concern and I’m actually not thinking about that right now, I’m thinking my kid thoughts”…and many more.
Is that frustrating? Yes absolutely, especially in times when I feel helpless otherwise. I also plan for it — I don’t put myself in situations where a kid’s help is my *only* option, since I know that I’m trying to live in the #1 and 2 with them and if I’m desperate that puts me in a mindset to start scrabbling for 3s where I’m trying to motivate them out of fear.
Instead, I’m trying to focus on connecting where I can. I know they’re not traumatized, it’s just been an emotionally rough few weeks. They need me to pour into them before they can consistently access the best versions of themselves.
[Image description: A soft bokeh pink background with the words on top of it that says: "The Three Reasons Anybody Does Anything. 1. They want to. 2. Someone who they have a connected relationship with wants them to (and they're capable of doing so). 3. They're afraid of what will happen if they don't." End description.]
