05/10/2024
I've had some physical symptoms these past few days, part of a healing process, and I've been reading a novel. In it, I read about a woman and her relationship with her partner, her children, and her mother.
I saw in it what my life might have been like had I not done the inner work I've done, and had I not found Aware Parenting.
In the novel, the woman has decades of unhealed trauma and unexpressed feelings, along with an incredibly harsh inner dialogue, and as a result, her relationship with herself and her family is incredibly painful.
At 18, I was drinking every weekend to suppress 18 years of painful feelings and some I didn't know back then that I was trying to release some of the emotional pain through crying. I also had the most harsh inner dialogue of anyone I've known.
I'm so grateful to 19 year old me, who was longing to discover why I was the way I was. I wanted to feel less scared and in less pain, and more confident. I embarked on a massive learning journey, starting with a degree in psychology and a PhD on the mother-infant relationship.
I so appreciate 23 year old me, who started going to a group where there was (what was then called) active listening.
I still remember the exact moment when I was listening to one of the women talking, sitting on a wicker chair underneath the window. She told us about her therapy session where she realised that her relationship with her dad was affecting her relationship with her boyfriend.
In that moment, I had the thought, "I want to understand myself that clearly," and started weekly psychotherapy, which I continued for 10 years, including during training and working as a psychotherapist.
And now, my inner dialogue is now deeply self-compassionate.
I used to live mostly from my younger parts. Now, that is quite rare.
I used to be swimming in pain from the past most of the time (or dissociated from it).
Nowadays, when painful feelings from the past bubble up occasionally, I know exactly how to be with that pain, and am willing to have it lovingly heard. I use my Marion Method practices and they have made the most immense difference to my life.
So much of my transformation has come about through practicing Aware Parenting with my daughter, 22, and my son, 18.
I can also see how clearly what a difference Aware Parenting has made for them, and for our relationships.
My relationship between my Mum and I (she's 93 next month) has also transformed beyond all recognition.
I'm so grateful to be where I am at this time in my life.
Transformation is entirely possible.