08/07/2026
Had a bit of a wobble in the old human suit today.
Old Mate Anxiety, the obtrusive, unexpected guest dropped by for a tete-a-tete. A little reminder and probe into my humanity.
It took me back to March and this photo. I was enroute to celebrate a beautiful soul sisters birthday.
Old Mate joined me on the bus to the restaurant, I started having a wee meltdown trapped in a tin can with strangers. I arrived, found my pal, thrust a gift at her before turning around and leaving immediately, followed swiftly by my first ever panic attack in a side street in the cute inner west suburb of Enmore.
Heart palpitations.
Gasping for breath.
Fluctuating body temperature.
Brain fu**ed.
My only rational thought (in tandem with “am I dying!?” LOL but also “please take me now!”) was to find a big tree to lean on. Nature is always the best medicine. For everything. Thank god for trees.
My therapist has labeled me as anti-dependant. At first I thought she was being facetious. She wasn’t.
Recovered, suppressed memories of violence and abuse have been dancing in my cells lately and I haven’t really known what to do with them.
It’s funny, my side quest when not serving tea is working for an incredibly rad politician (a legit powerhouse). It is through the work we do in our domestic and family violence portfolio that I realised I was a victim-survivor of all kinds of abuse, by the hands of a bunch of different perpetrators (who are seemingly protected!). I knew bad things had happened ~ but in my anti-dependence and soloist tendency to not want to be grouped, that label never really applied in my mind. Coupled with the trite application of comparison and knowing others have had way worse experiences stifled my own. Besides, who has time to feel feelings?
I’m so angry. And not just for myself. For everyone that gets denied, squashed, their agency diminished and the systemic abuse that compounds it all.
Tea helps. And heals. Lots.
She puts me in touch with my heart and my truth. She also connects me to the hearts of others in safe, cosy ways that don’t extract or ask for anything in return except presence in the moment.
But I am still angry.
And anxious.
