20/11/2020
We do not choose to be an addict and it is not hard-wired into the brain. It has been proven that addiction is not a disease, it is a response to pain and suffering that we experienced in childhood. When I say pain and suffering, you probably connect that to being beaten, tortured, s*xually abused, or severely neglected, to name a few. Yes, they are definitely causes for pain and suffering in childhood but the more subtle and equally debilitating ones are developmental and relational trauma such as emotional neglect, lack of attachment to the caregiver, not being seen or heard, and not understanding how our parent can love us but cannot show it in a responsive way.
You may also assume that the word addiction relates to substances only or perhaps gambling but there are so many other addictions in our society and I will list out some and see if you relate to them. Addictions... s*x, po*******hy, the internet, shopping, work, power, dating sites, overachieving, perfectionism, right fighting, your phone, ci******es, men, women, dating, gossip, worry and there are many more that live quietly in our lives. You probably didn't associate many of these with addiction because they are, for the most part, socially acceptable and even applauded by some.
So what is an addiction? In the words of Dr. Gabor Maté... "Addiction is manifested in any behavior that a person craves, finds temporary relief or pleasure in but suffers negative consequences as a result of, and yet has difficulty giving up. In brief: craving, relief, pleasure, suffering, impaired control." So you can see how easy it is to associate with an addiction that you may not have known you had.
What is the point of me telling you this? Because I want you to know that you are not to blame for your addiction. Most addicts are treated through techniques that create a lot of shame and loathing in the addict. It's not your parents' fault either because the pain and suffering they brought into their relationship with you is the result of a traumatic childhood as well. No addict chooses to be an addict but what is true is that not every traumatized child becomes an addict but every addict has been a traumatized child.
My goal in writing this is to help you understand that you are not to blame for the addiction and it is possible to let go of the shame attached to it and become aware of the need to continue the self-soothing and find different and better ways to do it. You are not broken, you are stuck.
