06/05/2020
Another article i wrote for my school newsletters in response to increasing anxiety since it has been announced that children will be going back to school next week. I hope you find it useful.
HELPING YOUR CHILD COPE DURING DIFFICULT TIMES
It is understandable that anxiety has increased for parents and children alike since we have been living through these unprecedented times. With children expected back at school for one day per week next week, some children are relieved and happy to have their routine back and be able to see their friends whilst others who were quite happy learning from home and some who already had some anxiety about school may be starting to get concerned about the change. Depending on how your family has been coping during the lockdown, you as a parent may also be experiencing a whole range of emotions including anxiety about going back to normal life.
Have you ever noticed that on the days where you are struggling most and need your kids to be on their best behavior, that they are often hardest to handle? This is not because your child wants to make your life difficult but because your child is responding to your emotions and when you are feeling overwhelmed or adrift, your child also begins to feel that way, sometimes even more so than you can imagine. They see you as a 'rock in the sea' and need to know that you will be there standing firm and strong no matter what life throws at you. When they see you struggling, they become anxious. If their big, strong, wise parent can't cope, how can they? They may also feel that they need to solve your problems for you.
Anxiety often runs in families. But more than just being a genetic predisposition, it can also be learned. Parents are a child's first teachers and learning how to respond to life circumstances is one of the things you teach your children. They watch everything you do - you are their most important role model. Kids pick up all sorts of signals from the adults in their lives, so have a think about the messages you’re sending. Over-protective family members can inadvertently reinforce children’s fears that the world is a dangerous place where everything can hurt you. Similarly, parents who ‘over-help’ are subconsciously telling their kids that they can’t do anything without adult support.
For this reason it is important to be aware of your own anxiety behaviours and to have a plan to deal with them before they impact on your children. Some common anxiety behavoiurs in adults are:
• Irritability/anger
• Constantly feeling rushed or that there is not enough time
• 'Helicopter parenting' ie feeling the need to fight your
children's battles for them or clearing the way to make
things easy for them
• Feeling jumpy or restless
• Avoidance of situations out of fear
• Constant worry or intrusive thoughts
• Problems with concentration
• Stomach symptoms or headaches
• Using alcohol or other drugs to cope
As counsellors working with parents, we often say that parents need to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. When parents show children that they have things under control by giving the impression that they are bigger, stronger, wiser and kind (even if this impression is far from the reality of how you feel), they make their children feel safe and the chance of children responding with anxious behaviours is greatly reduced.
Enlisting the help of a counsellor can often help you to manage your child's anxiety as well as your own.
