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Audhd Unfiltered Canadian, Autistic, ADHD, and unfiltered. Welcome into my brain and daily life

09/22/2026

The word “deficit.”

The more I think about the words we use in psychology, the more this one makes me raise an eyebrow because a deficit doesn’t really mean anything on its own. It’s always a deficit compared to something, and that “something” is usually whatever we’ve decided a person is supposed to be able to do.

Being “normal” isn’t some universal law of nature. It’s a standard we created based on how the majority of people tend to function... and then we built schools, workplaces, schedules, social expectations, and pretty much everything else around that standard.
So when someone functions differently, we don’t usually say the environment doesn’t work for their brain. We say their brain has a deficit.
Convenient. 👀

Take ADHD. We call it an attention deficit, but... compared to what exactly? A universal human capacity for attention, or the specific kind of attention our society expects people to maintain at school and at work?
Cause... if curiosity, quick connections, spontaneous creativity, and the ability to become completely absorbed in something interesting were valued more than sitting still and focusing on whatever someone else decided should matter for eight hours, we might describe ADHD very differently.

And I know someone is going to say that ADHD can create real difficulties and seriously affect our quality of life.
Yes. Absolutely.
I’m not trying to make the disability disappear by playing word games. The difficulties are real, the support needs are real, and some of those difficulties would still exist even in a much more accommodating world. I just think the word “deficit” already carries an assumption that there’s one correct way for a brain to work, and anything too far away from it must be missing something.

We could just as easily say that some neurotypical people have a “curiosity deficit” compared to some ADHDers. But since our society gives more value to sustained attention than curiosity, we rarely turn their supposed lack of curiosity into a clinical problem.

09/21/2026

It’s hard to turn the page when you know someone you wanted to keep won’t be in the next chapter.

Sometimes we spend a long time rereading those last few lines, hoping we’ll find something we missed. An explanation. Another possibility. Some tiny sentence hidden between the words that could change the entire ending.
But it isn’t there.
And moving forward can start to feel like leaving that person behind, as if continuing to live means forgetting them, denying how important they were, or accepting that they’re no longer part of our story.

Except turning the page doesn’t erase the chapter.
It doesn’t change what happened, take away the place that person held in our life, erase the love we had for them, or undo everything they changed in us. For better or for worse... because both can be true at the same time.
It only means our story keeps going.
Not necessarily because we’re ready, or because we already know how to live without them, and definitely not because it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Our story keeps going because time keeps moving, even when part of us would rather stay sitting at the bottom of that page for just a little longer.
So we turn the page at our own pace.
We keep the chapter.
And little by little, we try to write what comes next with everything it left inside us.

09/20/2026

Something hit me a while ago when I was thinking back on an old relationship.
It was a toxic relationship where I slowly destroyed myself, little by little, while being criticized constantly and discouraged from being who I actually was.
And for years, nobody said anything.
None of my friends or family ever pulled me aside to ask if I was genuinely okay, or to mention that some of the things I was living through maybe weren’t normal.

And just to be clear, I don’t blame them at all!!
Honestly, I think I understand why nobody did it. When you’re looking at someone’s relationship from the outside, especially when they’re an adult, you assume they know what they’re doing. It’s their life, their decision, and if they’re still there, they probably have their reasons.

To be fair... I also thought I knew what I was doing.

The problem is that toxic relationships rarely happen the way they do in movies. There’s no dramatic music playing in the background and nobody shows up holding a sign that says WARNING: DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP IN PROGRESS.
It happens slowly.
You make one small adjustment here, one little concession there, then one boundary moves back a few inches and another one follows and before you even realize what’s happening, things that would’ve made you say “what the actual f**k?” a few years earlier have somehow become a regular Tuesday.

When you’re in the middle of it, getting any real perspective is incredibly difficult.
Sometimes you know something isn’t working, but you find an explanation for it. Sometimes you feel it in your body without being able to put it into words. Sometimes you tell yourself it’s temporary, that things will get better, that every relationship has challenges... and little by little, your brain gets used to things it probably never should’ve learned to see as normal.

Looking back, I don’t think I needed someone to tell me what to do. I didn’t need to be rescued, confronted with an intervention, or have someone explain my own life to me... But I think part of me would’ve appreciated someone quietly pulling me aside and saying they might be wrong, but I seemed less happy than I used to be.
Or simply asking if I was truly okay in that relationship.
Just that.
Because sometimes other people can see things we can’t see anymore. They’re not sitting in the middle of the storm with us.

Since then, when I’m genuinely worried about someone I love, I try to say something. I’m not there to tell them what to do, I just want to offer one more perspective, and after that, they can do whatever they want with it.
Maybe they won’t agree, maybe they won’t be ready to hear it, maybe it’ll take three years before something clicks but at least they’ll know someone noticed. Someone cared enough to ask.

We never really know which small sentence will stay in someone’s mind for months, or even years and sometimes, one tiny seed of doubt can change a lot more than we realize. ❤️

09/19/2026

At this point, we’re handing out the word “selfish” like free samples at Costco.
You think about yourself? Selfish.
You make a decision knowing someone else won’t be happy about it? Selfish.
You refuse to put yourself in a situation that will cost you three days of recovery just to avoid disappointing someone for fifteen minutes? SELFISH.

Except... that’s not really what selfishness is.
Being selfish means acting as if your needs, your desires, and your feelings are the ONLY ONES that matter. It means making decisions WITHOUT caring about how they might affect anyone else.
But caring about someone’s feelings doesn’t mean automatically handing them the final say over your life 😒
It means including their feelings in the decision. You try to understand what your choice might bring up for them, you consider whether there’s a way to reduce the impact, and you treat them with care instead of acting like their experience is irrelevant.
And after doing all of that... you can still make a decision they don’t like.

Yes, their feelings matter, but yours do too!!

Prioritizing yourself doesn’t mean other people aren’t important!! It means you’re refusing to keep living as if you’re always less important than they are.
This is YOUR life.
You’re the one whose body will have to deal with the consequences of your decisions, and it’s your brain you’ll be trying to fall asleep with at night.

So yeah... you’re allowed to include yourself in the equation. ❤️

09/18/2026

We often hear that the secret to happiness is learning to be content with what you have and yeah... gratitude matters. It helps us notice what’s going well, appreciate the little things, and avoid spending our entire lives chasing the next goal as if happiness is eventually going to show up with a tracking number and an estimated delivery window. But being content with what you have shouldn’t mean settling for a life that makes you miserable.. Sometimes, what you have is just... not what you want.
It doesn’t feel good.
It’s not a situation where you’re able to grow or be yourself.
Maybe it’s something you accepted for years because you didn’t think you deserved better... or maybe you simply couldn’t see another option at the time.

You can be grateful for some parts of your life and still want to change others.
You can appreciate what an experience gave you without wanting to stay there for another fifteen seasons.
You can say “I’m lucky to have this” AND “this doesn’t work for me anymore.”
Both can be true at the same time.
You’re not selfish or ungrateful for wanting a life that feels more like yours and you don’t have to love a reality that’s slowly draining the life out of you just to look mature, positive, or appropriately grateful on Instagram.

Gratitude should help you see what you have.
It shouldn’t stop you from seeing what’s missing.
Wanting more... wanting better... that’s okay too :)

09/17/2026

I don’t have many memories from my childhood.
Pretty much everything before I was 13 is blurry. I have a few random images here and there, but there’s no continuous timeline. No Childhood’s Greatest Hits, Volume 1.
And for a long time, that scared me.
I wondered if my brain had erased huge chunks of my life to protect me, like, if something traumatic had happened or if I had been dissociating without even knowing it...? Honestly... I have no idea... but there are a few memories that stayed with me.
When I was around 10, I was really scared of house fires. My bedroom was in the basement, and I knew that if a fire started, getting out quickly could be complicated, so every night, I packed a little emergency bag with my blanket and my favorite toys. That way, if something happened, I could just grab it and get out.
A tiny emergency evacuation plan, brought to you by a 10-year-old with absolutely no training in disaster management. 😛
At the time, this felt perfectly normal, but now, when I think about it... it feels kind of intense.. And sad.
I was pretty young to spend every night thinking about escaping and preparing for the worst :(
I don’t know exactly what it meant.
Maybe it was anxiety, maybe hypervigilance.. or maybe I was simply a scared kid trying to gain a little control over something unpredictable but mostly, I see a child who had found his own way to feel safer.
Kids do that a lot.
They don’t always have the words to explain what they’re feeling, so they build safety out of whatever they have around them.
In my case, it was a blanket, a few toys, and a little bag ready to go. ^^

09/16/2026

For a lot of neurotypical people, words are rarely JUST words.
There’s the actual definition... and then there’s the tone, the context, the subtext, the hidden emotion, and probably the exact position of the moon when the sentence was spoken.
A word can soften something, flatter someone, provoke a reaction, or communicate an entire message without ever saying it directly and that’s often where things get confusing between autistic and non-autistic people.

For a lot of autistic people, when we choose a word, it’s because that’s the word we meant to use.
Revolutionary concept, I know. 😛
We may understand a sentence based on what it actually says instead of its social vibe, so if you tell me we should grab coffee sometime, I’m going to assume you want to grab coffee sometime.
I might even ask when you’re free immediately because... why are we leaving this task floating around when we could just make the plan?
But then the other person suddenly remembers they’re super busy these days.
Oh. Okay. I will never ask you again. 🙃
Cause in my mind, they didn’t just tell me they were busy. They invited me for coffee, I accepted the invitation, and then they backed away the second I tried to turn it into an actual plan... so clearly (in my head at least) they don’t really want to see me.
Information received and carefully filed in my little mental folder labelled NEVER SUGGEST THIS AGAIN. Meanwhile, they probably think we just had a perfectly friendly interaction.. :/

We’re not trying to pressure you or reserve a table within the next twelve minutes, we’re just responding to the message we thought you sent us.
So if you actually want to get coffee, give me a date!... A calendar date!! Not a romantic date! xD Unless you mean a romantic date, in which case PLEASE be clear about that too! We already have enough going on here. 🙃

Anyway... social codes are a LOT of emotional paperwork for absolutely no coffee. 😂

09/15/2026

I understand the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing.
It matters. We don’t want to live in a society where one accusation is enough to condemn someone. I’m 100% on board with that... in theory.
But in real life? Expecting victims to somehow provide enough evidence of everything they survived is brutal...

Most people dealing with harassment, psychological abuse, or violence didn’t think to build a case while it was happening cause at first, it didn’t seem THAT bad. They hoped it would stop, maybe they didn’t want to believe it was getting worse.
They were trying to survive, not audition for CSI 🙄
Then everything finally blows up... their nervous system is wrecked, and THAT’S when they’re told there isn’t enough proof, so nothing can be done.

Do we realize how cruel that is?
How many complaints go nowhere because the victim didn’t think to document their own personal hell while trapped inside it?
It’s horrible. HOR-RI-BLE.
And yup... this happened to me at my former workplace... My complaint was denied because of that.

But then people wonder why victims speak up “too late.” 🙄Why they hesitate. Why they’re scared. Why they stay silent... but... we keep teaching them that unless they have screenshots, dates, witnesses, three binders and a PowerPoint presentation, their word means nothing.
Yes, the presumption of innocence matters, but we also need to admit that the way our systems work doesn’t always protect victims. Sometimes it just drops another responsibility on people who are already barely holding themselves together, then expects them to explain everything clearly and chronologically while their brain is in survival mode.

We need something better than this.
A system where someone’s safety doesn’t become less important than perfectly following a procedure, a system where hurt people aren’t expected to become flawless archivists of their own pain. Cause right now, it feels a lot like high school.
You get bullied for months. You tell people. Nothing changes.
Then one day you finally defend yourself... And somehow YOU’RE the problem and you're getting expelled..
Absolute fu***ng bu****it.

09/14/2026

I think there’s an important difference between no longer apologizing for who we are... and deciding we never have to apologize again because “that’s just my personality.”

Like, I’m autistic.
There are things I understand differently, social expectations I don’t always pick up on, and needs that can inconvenience someone who expected something else from me.
I might need to leave early, turn down an invitation, ask a lot of questions, avoid eye contact, or communicate in a way that feels less warm to someone else. And I’m done apologizing as if those things are flaws I should’ve fixed before showing up around other people.

I can recognize that someone wanted something from me that I couldn’t give them. That doesn’t automatically mean I did something wrong. But not apologizing for who I am doesn’t mean everything I do becomes acceptable because “that’s just who I am.”

If I speak harshly to someone, make a decision that hurts them, or keep doing something after I understand its impact, then it’s not just about who I am anymore. At that point, it’s about what I’m choosing to do. That’s where I draw the line. I won’t apologize for having needs, functioning differently, or failing to match the version of me someone created in their head. But I can apologize for what I choose to do with those differences.

And honestly, that line isn’t always obvious.
I can hurt someone without having done anything wrong. Sometimes our needs or expectations just collide in a way that really sucks. Someone being hurt doesn’t automatically mean someone else must be guilty. Intent and impact are both important, but impact alone doesn’t prove wrongdoing, and good intentions don’t erase responsibility.

“Stop apologizing for being yourself” never meant “Do whatever the f**k you want, then call it your personality.”
It means I can take responsibility for my actions without treating my entire existence like something I need to apologize for.
And that applies to you too.
It also applies to everyone around you.

09/13/2026

Sometimes, what hurts the most isn’t realizing you did something wrong. It’s knowing you acted with the best intentions in the world... and realizing you still hurt people you love.

That s**t f**ks me up.
I swear, it’s one of the worst kinds of relational pain for me.

You weren’t trying to hurt anyone.
You were trying to do the right thing.. like protect something, be honest, set a boundary, say something important and somehow... it still hurt.
You can see the pain, the disappointment, the shock.

And of course, the doubt comes rushing in. You start wondering if maybe you should’ve stayed quiet. You might even start questioning whether your need was really worth the consequences.

That moment is rough. Disorienting, even... Because you’re carrying two things at once.. the certainty that you acted with integrity, and the pain of watching someone you love suffer because of it. :(
Good intentions don’t guarantee that nobody gets hurt... Sometimes, they only mean the situation was complicated, that two people’s needs collided or that there was no perfect solution where everyone walked away untouched.

And we can’t keep betraying ourselves just to make sure nobody else ever feels pain, because then we’re the ones getting hurt.
A lot of people will say “Yeah, but other people are more important” .. No! Shh!! You are just as important as everyone else!
Loving someone doesn’t mean you can always protect them from every painful feeling. Sometimes, it means staying present and caring about their pain, even when taking care of yourself was still the right thing to do.
That doesn’t make you cruel. It doesn’t erase your kindness or change what’s in your heart.
It just means you’re human.

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