10/16/2026
Can we talk about the shame we place on survivors of abuse?
Something has been weighing on me this month, and I think it's important that we talk about it.
I keep seeing people dissecting the decisions survivors make. Why did she go back? Why is she still seeing him? Why would she say that? Why doesn't she just leave?
And I find myself thinking: Do we really understand what we're asking of someone who is living inside an abusive relationship?
I want to share something personal.
There were times in my own abusive marriage when I made decisions that, looking back, I know other people might have questioned. I let my ex back into our home when we were under a no-contact order.
From the outside, those decisions might have seemed incomprehensible.
But I was living inside that reality. There were children, a home, and so many layers to the situation that someone looking in could never fully understand.
When you're trying to survive an abusive relationship, you're not always making decisions from a place of calm, clarity and safety. You're navigating fear, pressure, consequences, complicated attachments and circumstances that can feel impossible to untangle.
Sometimes you're trying to protect your children. Sometimes you're trying to keep your life from completely falling apart. Sometimes you're doing what you believe you need to do to get through the moment you're in.
And sometimes, you make decisions that other people will never understand unless they've taken the time to understand your circumstances.
This is why I believe we need to meet survivors where they are, not where we think they should be.
We can be concerned about someone's safety without shaming them.
We can disagree with a decision without dissecting the person who made it.
We can offer support, information and a different perspective without making someone feel foolish, weak or responsible for the abuse they're experiencing.
And we need to remember that understanding someone's decisions does not mean excusing the behaviour of the person abusing them.
This month, as we talk about domestic violence, I'm thinking about all the survivors whose choices are being scrutinized by people who may know very little about what they're actually navigating.
There is a human being behind every decision. A history we may not know. Circumstances we may not see. And a reality we may never fully understand.
Before we ask, "Why would she do that?"
Perhaps we could ask, "What might she be navigating that I cannot see?"
Because survivors don't need more shame piled on top of everything they're already carrying.
They need to be met where they are, with compassion, dignity and the understanding that surviving abuse is rarely as simple as it looks from the outside.
People shouldn't have to make the right decisions, in the right order, to deserve compassion. 💜
