08/27/2026
Well shoot.. look what just came in..
🍁 EXECUTIVE ORDER No. 1867-1776 🍁
THE PEACEFUL, POLITE, AND ENTIRELY UNAUTHORIZED RENAMING OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Issued this 27th day of August, 2026
BY THE COMPLETELY SELF-APPOINTED AUTHORITY OF THE UNDERSIGNED
Whereas Canada has observed its southern neighbour for approximately 250 years and has determined that the experiment has been sufficiently entertaining;
Whereas the geographic territory presently referred to as the United States of America is, upon inspection of any reasonably accurate map, located directly south of Canada;
Whereas continuing to call said territory the “United States of America” unnecessarily complicates an otherwise straightforward geographical situation;
Whereas the people occupying said territory already enjoy hockey, doughnuts, plaid, complaining about the weather, enormous pickup trucks, camping, fishing, and saying “sorry” occasionally;
And whereas Canada has graciously decided not to make a big deal about any of this;
NOW, THEREFORE, IT IS HEREBY DECLARED, PROCLAIMED, SUGGESTED, REQUESTED, AND POLITELY INSISTED THAT:
ARTICLE I: THE GREAT RENAMING
Effective immediately, the territory formerly known as the United States of America shall henceforth be officially, ceremonially, geographically, spiritually, and absolutely unofficially known as:
SOUTHERN CANADA
The abbreviation USA may continue to be used during a reasonable transition period, provided everyone understands that it now stands for:
Underneath Superior Administration.
ARTICLE II: TERRITORIAL RECLASSIFICATION
The existing fifty states shall remain geographically intact to avoid an administrative nightmare.
They shall, however, be redesignated as the Fifty Southern Provinces, whether they appreciate this development or not.
Alaska shall be granted the honorary designation of Canada’s Confused Side Pocket.
Hawaii shall become the Extremely Southern Canadian Tropical Administrative Zone, principally because Canada has always needed somewhere sensible to go in February.
Florida shall henceforth be designated:
VERY SOUTHERN CANADA
No further explanation regarding Florida shall be attempted.
Canada has reviewed the available evidence.
ARTICLE III: THE MAPLE SYRUP STRATEGIC RESERVE
Southern Canada shall maintain an emergency maple syrup reserve sufficient to sustain the population through:
- severe winter storms;
- pancake-related emergencies;
- international breakfast disputes;
- French-toast shortages;
- and any event during which waffles become strategically important.
Possession of imitation “pancake syrup” shall not constitute treason, but everyone involved will know what they did.
ARTICLE IV: HOCKEY DIPLOMACY
All major diplomatic disagreements between Northern Canada and Southern Canada shall first be submitted to negotiation.
Should negotiations fail, the matter shall proceed to a best-of-seven hockey series.
The winning party shall receive:
1. diplomatic bragging rights;
2. temporary custody of the disputed trophy;
3. one ceremonial case of maple syrup; and
4. the right to remind the losing party about the result for no fewer than twenty-five years.
ARTICLE V: CULTURAL TRANSITION
Citizens of Southern Canada shall not be required to say “eh.”
However, reasonable experimentation is encouraged.
The word “sorry” shall gradually replace unnecessary honking.
Coffee shall remain constitutionally protected.
Barbecue shall remain under regional jurisdiction because Canada recognizes that interfering with Texas at this stage would create unnecessary paperwork.
ARTICLE VI: MEASUREMENT
Southern Canada shall begin transitioning toward the metric system.
Miles may temporarily remain in use because asking approximately 350 million people to understand kilometres overnight would be irresponsible.
Temperatures, however, shall immediately be reported in Celsius so everyone can experience the character-building confusion of determining whether 30° means a pleasant afternoon or imminent death.
ARTICLE VII: BORDER REORGANIZATION
The former Canada–United States border shall henceforth be known as:
The Extremely Long Administrative Line Between Canada and More Canada.
Border crossings shall continue operating normally until someone figures out what to do with all the booths.
ARTICLE VIII: NATIONAL SYMBOLS
The bald eagle shall remain protected and respected.
However, it shall now share ceremonial duties with the Canada goose.
Officials are reminded that the bald eagle represents courage, strength, and freedom.
The Canada goose represents the consequences of ignoring clearly established territorial boundaries.
ARTICLE IX: OFFICIAL APOLOGY
Canada formally apologizes for the administrative inconvenience caused by absorbing an entire superpower.
Canada does not, however, apologize for the name.
It is geographically accurate.
ARTICLE X: ENFORCEMENT
This Order shall be enforced through absolutely no legally recognized mechanism whatsoever.
Compliance shall instead depend upon confidence, humour, geographic reasoning, hockey, maple syrup, and presenting this document with an unnecessarily serious facial expression.
FINAL PROCLAMATION
From the Atlantic to the Pacific, from the Arctic Ocean to Very Southern Canada, let the maps be ceremonially redrawn.
The United States of America has enjoyed a respectable run.
But geography has spoken.
Welcome to Southern Canada.
Please dress appropriately.
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SIGNED AND CEREMONIALLY DECLARED
________________________________________
Lance Murphy
Supreme Acting Commissioner of Northern and Southern Canadian Reorganization
Temporary Minister of Maps, Hockey & Continental Affairs
Date: __________________________________
🍁 OFFICIAL STATUS 🍁
ABSOLUTELY NOT LEGALLY BINDING
BUT UNCOMFORTABLY WELL FORMATTED
