05/01/2024
Not Like It's Gonna Kill Ya by Gemma Lees
Not Like It’s Gonna Kill You
Not like it’s gonna kill you, is it?
They scoff, laugh-cough, self-righteous sniff,
Tight-lipped smile stretched over clenched teeth,
Simmering indignation scarcely disguised beneath,
Their belief, as soon I know OCD is senseless, I’ll be repaired,
No longer a sneak thief pussyfooting up my spine, no longer scared,
No longer creeped out, prickled skin, hairs stood erect,
I’m stupefied, I know it lies, with the stress and the check and the stress and the check,
There’s no evidence, but OCD’s mentality overtakes rationality,
Fight or flight, stuck fast with fright, it’s dastardly,
Clammy shakes, skin vibrates, piercing headache, perspirate,
Notwithstanding understanding, it’s real yet fake, hyperventilate, I break,
Not like it’s gonna kill you, is it?
As if mere mockery could cure this lunatic.
Not like it’s gonna kill you, is it?
So long as you commit to sit indoors for a bit,
Bubbled, confined, one walk, one time, no more,
Hand gel in every store, get in line just to get through the door,
Bacterial warfare festers in every hand,
Serial killers stand in doorways, banging on pans,
Cover both mouth and nose, change contaminated clothes,
Humming Happy Birthday, deterge those microbes,
Every public cough and sneeze, that’s someone dropping to their knees,
But there’s no god could extricate from a sickness carried on the breeze,
Pathetic fallacy, it’s after me, it knows what I already knew,
That there’s death in our breath, in what we do and don’t do,
Not like it’s gonna kill you, is it?
But it might, and it can, and it did.
A poem about my experiences of living through Covid, a pandemic which took my beloved Grandad from me, as a person with severe OCD. I'd been mocked, scolded and chastised for years by healthcare professionals about my over the top hygiene practices, then all of the sudden the script flipped and I wasn't the crazy one any more in a world that had turned crazy around me.
Poetry, Theatre, Journalism & Art. Gypsy, Homelessness & Disability Advocate.