20/05/2026
I did the most liberating Breathe last eve..
This Breathwork has taken me through so many deep experiences during this past 18 years..
But the beauty of this breathe was actually returning again to my own birth..
And of course like all beliefs, this Rebirthing is only a theory..
But this one resonates for me, and maybe some of you who read this also..
How we are born creates an imprint that can form our world view..
My World View came from being a Caesarian.
I cannot do it myself. I feel I can, but someone or something external is needed to push me into the next step.. something artificial. I cannot do process.. I cannot do it on my own..
I was safe warm and cosy, and then I was so full of this safety that I was ready to move, and in this impulse I moved forward and broke the waters that I had danced within. I felt my head drop down and engage on this great mysterious adventure, in a new moment, a sense of getting ready of following my natural cosmic wonder..
My mother in that moment, aware of worldly needs and making certain her much loved baby was safe, contacted her doctor, the appointment was made and at 2pm I was born caesarian section.
I saw the photo of me.
Cleaned up of course.
I was so lucky to be born into parents who loved and wanted me, but I wasn't actually ´In´.
I was in shock.
I don't need to give the details.
When I see pictures of myself as a baby I am not there.
There have been many times in my life when I have not been there.. replicating this initial entrance into Life.. not my choice, but just a safe choice of the time.
However how much was actually stolen from me?
Was it actually so bad? Am I really milking it for all its worth?
I can tell you that having birthed two Gorgeous girls naturally, with no meds, (the first birth was going 100 mph in an ambulance with Matthew I grant you, but the second was at home with Beautiful Friend and Doula Jady Mountjoy).
Their eyes are different. Their achievement is different. Their imprint is different. They have done it.
How brutal that was.. Straight into the bright light, into the metal and incubator, never had the grace of following and working with my mother or HER BODY to venture down the birth canal and follow the slow natural inclinations of moving into the new.. to trust and follow my own instinct and will to be born..
My Birth Imprint was.. you are warm and cosy.. and then to move into the next chapter.. even outside the house.. you literally have to be pulled out by some outside influence.. the natural force just isn't there.
I have always needed to rely on outside influences to get me going into life, my parents, school, my sister, parties, work, chocolate, drugs in my early twenties, Carbs, Sugar, Green tea, my dog, Breathwork! Other therapists!
Sometimes I literally need to be pulled out in order to get me going somewhere.. school mornings.. I think you get the picture!
How many other caesarian mums are out there also having this problem?!!
Seriously though since the passing of both my parents in the past 3 years I have been in a kind of grieving sleep state, where my parents will power of support and inspiration has left me floating, ´at sea´, and without their purpose and post war drive pushing me forward..
Most who know me from the old days know this will and drive of mine and connection to Spirit, but after two beautiful daughters and working on relationship to ´the other´ I had become outside focused.
But yesterday I had enough.
Why why why, have I become so lethargic?
I took myself into intense shaking, shaking out the energetics that have held me back over the past few years, not least my beliefs of my capabilities, but my strong concern on how others view my life.. (particularly now in the realm of tween daughters and mainstream school), which seems preposterous after the unconventional life I have led..
But home truths are so important to reawaken oneself from the inertia which can quickly take hold if we get lazy, lose the practices, which we have learnt for good reason, they actually feed us.. connect us to our healthy source of power
Breathwork is one of these..
Anyway.. after having breathed a client that day and feeling the deep connection and light of spirit I decided to not let that go again and give myself back that complete aliveness that is all of our birthright.
I don't need to miss you anymore Mummy, you haven't deserted me, in your passing you have actually given me the gift of Freedom. I can do this without you. I don't need to lean into your energy, because actually you didn't want me to. You wanted me to be independent, to fly, but for some reason I felt that really hard. I never actually got enough of your body!! (Powdered milk I’m afraid). I really wanted to lean on you and almost vampire your energy from you.. Of course you felt this frustrating, as any mother does when their child pulls on their energy and doesn't make the energetic jump!
But Because you didn't actually birth me, you were put beautifully under anaesthetic, and me too! It was of course the sensible thing to do at the time, as your first born had also been caesarian), but the nuance is that I never actually got what I needed independently from you in that first human experience, (of course I Love You, I am Eternally Grateful to you and you are the Perfect Mother for me and such a Gracious Holy One), but at this juncture specifically of Birth, where we could have worked together, (if the 1970´s medical system had felt it safe enough) to follow my impulse and will into Life.. my journey would certainly have been different.
Last night after my wake up! and my decision that Enough is Enough, I shook out these annoying habits which have become so ingrained in me of late, shaking and connecting to the Earth through my bare feet, with a circle around me, my female ancestors surrounding me, giving me all the space I needed, as they sewed, weaved, knitted and mended. My grandfathers in the outer circle looking out to the Universe holding this sacred space for me.. held by The Four Directions and The Elements and The Great Mystery.
I Rebirthed Myself..
Actually through my mother, in my time, with my power, my liberation, my strength, on my terms, and any fear that could possibly find itself there, any namby pamby need was felt completely honoured and breathed away. But actually there was hardly any I have got to that point that its my time now.
Time to grow and enjoy my independence and interconnectedness with all things once again.
As Kahlil Gibran says our parents are the bows from which the arrows are drawn..
In this way, as I look around at my fellow humans, I can see that we all need to stay peddling hard. It takes alot of continuous work to keep healthy and connected. And we need each other to remind us to keep to our ideals.. I got lazy and disorientated. Lost in inertia.
Today I read about Marianne Faithful and how she dragged herself off the streets and pulled her life back on track again.
I am in good company. It felt a cool wink from her to keep the Spirit Alive and the Fire Burning!
I hope for you too that you are surrounded by these special people, nourishing your Spirit and Singing your Song.. despite you Birth Story! xx
Kahlil Gibran
1883 – 1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
And as the wheel turns.. the stable bow is what I must be now for my children.. Much Love ###x
