19/02/2026
"SHAME HAS TO CHANGE SIDES" (Gisèle Pelicot)
I am reposting my sharing below from over 6yrs ago, having been reminded of it by the story of Gisèle Pelicot, who had the amazing courage to waive her anonymity in the trial of her case of longterm sexual abuse by her own husband (& other men invited by him).
What happened to me was different - I was conscious, as opposed to Ms Pelicot being drugged, BUT I didn't say "No!".
As victims of sexual abuse, we often feel guilty of somehow creating the situation, ashamed, "unclean" as I did in my own situation. I was a teenager, inexperienced, naive but he was a grown up married man, a teacher (!) who knew he was doing wrong - he was a sexual predator with (ab)using many more girls than just me. The shame is HIS, not mine (anymore).
If you feel affected by this - isn't it FINALLY time to review what has happened and release your guilt or shame, lighten your load and come back to yourself fully - 'cleansed' and free??
If you are not familiar with the story of Gisèle Pelicot, there is a link in the comments to her recent interview. What a strong lady!
, ̀lepelicot,
LEAVE YOUR SHAME OUTSIDE THE DOOR.....and bring in more SELF-COMPASSION & ACCEPTANCE 💗
(Warning: this is self-disclosure about sexual (ab)use - if you think you might get triggered, and are without adequate support - either people or tools/processes - you might like to stop here.) It is also a long(ish) read...
This is me in my mid- to late teens. Although I am posing for a photographer who asked me to do that for his portfolio, even I can (now) see, in my self-expression, something was amiss. If you met me at the time, you wouldn't know anything was going on in my life, apart from the usual teenage angst, often preferring my friends to my parents, wanting to have some fun - all normal for that age group.
While I was at my grammar school, I was sexually used by one of the teachers, on and off for about 4 years.
(I subsequently learned that I wasn't the only one, and that, years later, he was expelled from the school, and assume banned from teaching elsewhere...)
I have been in training and working as a trauma therapist for about 7 years now, facing varied types and levels of trauma, including sexual abuse, and here comes the crunch...:
It was only when the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the movement came out, that I finally got it!! I realised that what happened to me was ALSO abuse, not only "use". You might ask why only then?! Because up until then, a big part of me felt responsible and ashamed for what happened, because I didn't say "No".
You might ask, what sort of a therapist are you if you can't see it in yourself? And that's exactly it - very often we cannot see things in ourselves. The shamed part of me was very strong. But guess what, I have been very good at spotting it in other people - EXACTLY BECAUSE it happened to me, I can pick up on it in people intuitively very quickly because it is "familiar".
It has also made me a very protective mother, especially of my daughter, because I can "read" the male gaze at her, wherever we go... Is this a good thing? Yes, to a degree, but the last thing I want is to transfer my own fears onto her. So all I can do is to share my story with her - for her to be aware, to have her wits about her...
(Part of that trauma is in her already anyway, because I have energetically passed it on - a subject of another post).
So why am I sharing it? Certainly not looking for sympathy or pitty. WE ALL HAVE STUFF, and most of us carry shame, imposed sense of responsibility, feeling not good enough, fear, judgement, anger, pitty ... you name it. I'd call this post a "CALL TO ACTION" - all of the above listed feelings and emotions get stuck in the body, causing havoc to your health & choices you make, impacting your life through the people you attract, own self-sabotage, allowing your personal boundaries to be breached etc. And the longer these feelings stay, the more powerful they become, the more of the same type they attract back to you - AND they keep being passed down. A vicious cycle.
WHAT TO DO?
- (re)examine and (re)visit your life's challenging times - however traumatic they are - often people "don't want to go there". However, unless you do, it stays within your system.
You cannot "get over it" only with your mind / intention - a safe and thorough approach & processes need to be employed (combining both mind & body - psychosomatic techniques). You need somebody to skilfully lead you through it, who is professionally trained - completely objective & non-judgemental.
- accept what happened. Eventually, you'll be able to forgive yourself & stop feeling shame. It is only possible when you have processed it with the right kind of support from outside. I would dare to say that it is not possible to be completely objective with yourself. There are blind spots you cannot see (self-preservation mechanisms kick in to protect you from seeing/remembering). I love the expression "compassionate inquiry", which is seldom possible for and with the self.
In my sessions, we also look at so-called Post-traumatic Growth - what you have gained from what happened, identifying the positive attributes that your experience has brought out of you - because there are always some.
As therapists, we work through our own issues ongoing - working with colleagues or other therapists, something called Personal Peace Procedure, mainly for two reasons:
- to keep our clients safe by not getting triggered ourselves in their session by their issues, which resonate with our own, so that we can stay present and hold a safe space & adequate support,
- to clear ourselves to become even more centred, calm, healthily detached, and gaining even more insight through our own experience of the self. It is not coincidental that we attract clients with similar, if not the same, issues (an opportunity and a gift to show us our own hidden spots).
BE COURAGEOUS AND FREE YOURSELF OF YOUR PAINFUL PAST - nobody else can do it for you.
If anything in this post resonates with you and you would like to share, gain some insight and / or support with me, feel free to get in touch:
E-mail: [email protected]
Phone: (UK) 07763 278859
