22/06/2026
This!
OFFICIAL HEATWAVE ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL TORTOISES
Attention, fellow tortoises. This is Manuel from Tortoise Hotel.
Iâve just overheard the humans talking. Theyâve seen the weather forecast. They are panicking. As usual.
This means many of us will shortly be picked up against our will and dunked into a bath every five minutes because apparently humans believe weâll instantly shrivel up if the temperature goes above 25°C.
Or even worseâŚ
Some of them will come charging into our enclosure with the hosepipe, completely soaking the ground, so weâre expected to spend the day walking around in what feels like a muddy swamp.
Now listen carefullyâŚ
There are rumours that all these baths are to stop us becoming dehydrated.
Unfortunately, on some occasions, they can have the opposite effectâŚ
âŚbecause if your human keeps interrupting your afternoon nap every half an hour to plonk you in another bath, youâll become exhausted long before you become dehydrated.
So hereâs my advice.
If your human has provided you with a nice shallow soaking tray that you can walk into by yourself, this is your moment.
Walk in.
Have a drink.
Enjoy a little soak.
Walk back out.
Pretend youâve only just discovered it.
Your human will think theyâre an absolute genius. Secretly, youâve just trained them to leave you alone. After all, we behave like adults from the moment we hatch.
We donât need supervising every five minutes.
Now, about this heatwaveâŚ
Please donât make the mistake humans do.
You wonât find us lying in the middle of the garden covered in baby oil, trying to turn ourselves into jacket potatoes.
Humans call this âsunbathing.â
We call it âpoor thermoregulating.â
When it gets really hot, we do exactly what our family has been doing for over 200 million years.
We head for the shade.
We disappear under bushes.
We hide in long grass.
We dig down into lovely cool soil.
We thermoregulate.
Itâs almost as if evolution knew what it was doing.
Meanwhile, the humans are lying in the blazing midday sun, covered in baby oil, trying to cook themselves evenly on both sides. Then they wonder why theyâve got sunburn. Honestly⌠which species do you think has mastered this whole hot weather thing?
If your human comes rushing over shouting,
âCome on! Itâs sunny! You should be out enjoying yourself!ââŚsimply give them your best disappointed stare. Maybe a little hiss if theyâre particularly enthusiastic.
Then head straight back under your favourite bush.
Remember, fellow tortoisesâŚ
Shade is your friend.
Digging is perfectly normal.
Soak when you decide.
Keep enjoying those lovely weeds and flowers.
Spend the hottest part of the day exactly where you want to be.
HumansâŚ
We love them. They mean well. Theyâre just not very experienced at being tortoises.
Love, Manuel đ˘
P.S. If you see your humans lying outside covered in baby oil, roasting themselves in the midday sunâŚâŚdonât laugh.
Theyâve only been around for a few hundred thousand years.
Weâve had over 200 million years to perfect this heatwave business.
Whoâs the clever one now? đđ˘