24/10/2023
Facts matter, sure. But when we find ourselves in relationship ruts, where we're going round and round about seemingly trivial things - it's not about the facts anymore.
It's about something deeper.
Sometimes a quick fact-check clears up a misunderstanding.
More often, we've been triggered by a small detail because we actually need to feel seen, heard, valued, comforted, or connected, and no amount of rationalizing the behavior will sweep those feelings under the rug. Explaining away or defending the behavior will usually magnify the hurt and feelings of disconnection. It'll make the next time we encounter this objectively small conflict more painful and more loaded.
We have to learn two sets of skills:
1, to learn how to notice when we're feeling deeply. To pause and commit to getting better at communicating the feeling, and being willing to explore the underlying need with the other person. And - super important - not immediately rushing to blame or accuse; we have to take responsibility for our own feelings & reactions.
2, to learn how to create a safe space for the other person to share; to sit with the discomfort of someone else's hurt feelings without immediately taking them personally or defending yourself. Being willing to be curious about the deeper need, to listen, and to work together to find what might help bring the two of you back together.
This isn't easy work.
But these are the skills that deepen intimacy and save relationships, and this is some of what we work on in the Relationship Management Workshop, beginning November 2.
8 people per cohort. Plenty of room for questions.
Register by tomorrow evening with promo code PUNKINS to save $100.
https://theeqschool.co/relationship-management-workshop
