06/03/2023
At the request of Honest Ron, we are happy to support this innovative (albeit unsanctioned) stein hoisting event! We encourage all athletes to explore their best creative selves on March 17th at Ron's Bar & Backyard! Details to follow soon...
And so I again pick up the pen.
It has been many a fortnight since I last journaled, but a still quill should not be confused for a sedentary existence. No, to the contrary these recent months have been filled with intrigue, merriment, scandal, ambiguity, strife, effusiveness, and consequence. I also had a wonderful new soup that I’ll have to tell you about later!
But for now, I carpe this particular diem to foretell of an event to soon befall the bar of the people, by the people, and for the people. A day, it might be said, that shall live in infamy….
Last year I shared the story of St. Patrick’s Day 1971 and my exploits at the now defunct “Murphy’s” of Belfast. But this was not the only March 17 of significance in my life. A few years after Murphy’s, I found myself stateside yet again. In fact, I was right here in Michigan. Needing to replenish my travel funds, I had been briefly retained as the stunt double for Walter Mondale during the 1984 Democratic primaries. To my surprise, history has seemingly forgotten that Mondale struggled to overcome the challenges of Gary Hart and Jesse Jackson until he ultimately agreed to wrestle a bear live on an episode of 20/20.
It seemed hard to believe that old Ol Fritz Mondale could tame a Kodiak, but the voters of this great state tuned in to find out. However, unbeknownst to the general public, it was me in a Mondale wig that delivered that bear suplex after suplex for millions to witness as an aghast Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs looked on. Since scrubbed from the annals of TV history, the image of that night is still all too vivid in the minds of those who witnessed it live. Days later on March 17, 1984 Mondale became the prohibitive favorite for the democratic nomination with a decisive Michigan primary victory.
I have not spoken of the events of that evening until now, as it marked the first and only time I waded into politics.
Never again.
As the voting results rolled in, I found myself needing to escape from the terrible sense of foreboding that filled my soul. I knew my purpose was greater than mercenary bear wrestling, and I set out to reaffirm as much to myself. I wandered the streets of South Lyon, trying to shake my sense of shame. Soon my eyes fell upon a sign for a local bar, Grizz and Gibbies. Grizz? Could I not even find a saloon that would let me escape the long shadow of my ill-gotten bear blood money?
I nevertheless meandered in, and was met at the door by two men in full Celtic regalia. Only in seeing these lads did it occur to me that it was St Patrick’s Day. The pair introduced themselves as Marty O'Malley and Finnegan OHagan. They were business partners from Dublin who had ventured stateside with the goal of advancing their peculiar Irish twist on a sport I knew all too well.
Stein Hoisting.
However, unlike the firm and true guidelines of the International Federation of Stein Hoisting, these two introduced me to the “O’Malley-O’Hagan Rules”, steeped in rich Irish tradition. Though the basic principles of stein hoisting remained the same as IFOSH from the waist up, it’s what happens south of the belt line that makes this a sport unlike any other. Under O’Malley-O’Hagan rules, hoisters must keep their lower bodies in motion and engaged in some form of Irish jig at all times. If the lower half comes to rest for more than three seconds, that contender is eliminated. As the traditional ban on spilling remains in effect, the O’Hagan-O’Malley rules create a far greater risk of elimination via splashes.
Needless to say, I hoisted with them. It should be known that before Michael Flatley brought the Riverdance to the mainstream, I trained with his Uncle Demetrius and mastered my own iteration of Irish dance that left me uniquely equipped for the moment before me. My victory was decisive and never in doubt, as within 6 minutes all competitors had been laid to waste. As I basked in the glow of victory, I saw my opportunity to make amends for my bear bludgeoning shame.
I declined to accept the cash prize offered by O’Malley & OHagan, and instead handed them the Mondale funds. I told them to continue to invest in their dream, and that one day I would do what I could to help bring O’Malley-O’Hagan Rules to the rest of the world.
That promise is fulfilled in this writing.
After consulting with Gabe Finkler and my fellow IFOSH leadership, I hereby decree that Friday, March 17 will be host to Honest Ron’ Celtic (with a hard C) Stein Hoisting Extravaganza. This event will be promoted and supported by IFOSH, but will not constitute a sanctioned IFOSH global event. As such, O’Malley-O’Hagan Rules shall be implemented for one-night only as a special St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Competition is open to the public with preliminary rounds beginning at 8pm on March 17, with championships to follow later in the evening.
I call upon all able bodied patriots to rise to the moment. Together let us make St Patrick’s Day the Most American Irish celebration in America. Through high achievement and good tidings, let us make Friday, March 17, 2023 the St. Patrick’s Day by which future March 17 shall be judged.
United we stand. Together we hoist. For Ireland. For America. For Bears.
-HR
