05/16/2026
Mega Long Post Warning.
Due to unfornate events, my doctor strictly advised not to drive up to Ohiowa, NE for the final Lazy Horse Gravel Grind happening at this very moment. I was to be making an oasis today but guess my body had other plans.
I am dealing with some stuff that for a little over 5 years has been held at bay, but this week something triggered and flip the switch on. It is difficult to explain as I know it makes no sense but it isn't as easy to turn off as it is on.
This is really not easy to discuss as just trying to explain to others leads to an anxious feeling and fear. I KNOW this sounds ridiculous. I KNOW the odds are slim. . . But there is a piece that speaks loud and it says "what if this is real."
I remember my very first panic attack. I didn't know at the time that is what it was, as I thought I was having a true medical issue. It was in 2021 during the Flint Hills Gravel Ride and I was riding on course with my husband and friends. I felt very nauseous, dizzy and weak. My heart was racing. I was about to pass out. Now I know that sounds normal for anyone on a Bobby Thompson course - ha ba ha - but what was different was my mind was convinced my simptons would lead to immediate death if I didn't get to a hospital.
After sitting in a ditch with others around me, a call was made to get a ride back to the start. I remember a sense of safety finally coming over me when I knew I may get to town. As I calmed with that news, slowly my mind let go of its grasp and I realized I was ok. After more time passed, we called off the ride to town and I got on my bike and road on.
The next one happened after finally breaking down and receiving the J&J Covid shot at the CG armory building in May that same year. If I am being completely honest, I took that shot completely out of peer pressure. I have never taken one since. The moment the needle hit my arm, I got hot and anxious. Very worried about what I had just done. I sat in my chair for 6 or 12 minutes after the shot so worried. When I left I sat in my car thinking that something is going to happen while driving.
That year I had a couple happen at work, one that led to my Mom driving me to the ER as I could not calm down my worry I was about to die. EKG was performed and a couple other things and I was ok. I knew there that I was where people could help me if my body shut down.
One of my traffic stopping panic attacks occurred at an off ramp into Manhattan while I sat at a traffic light. I was so convinced I was about to have a heart attack, I turned my car off and got out and paced in the raised median space. Yes it was rush hour and while many honked or yelled, one kind soul stopped their car to ask what was wrong, I told them I was not feeling well and afraid to drive as I may pass out behind the wheel. An ambulance was called with a firetruck. They took me into the ambulance, still in the intersection blocking a lane of traffic, and checked my vitals, ekg etc. Finally I was able calm down. Poor husband had to pick me up from that intersection.
There were a couple more doozies that led to taking a daily pill to balance things out. (The first time taking that pill is a story in itself)
Anyway, for 5 years, I have been pretty under control. Till this past week. Something turned on and with vengeance. This time, I am feeling a slight anxious tingling all over and heaviness on chest. It happened 5 miles from work and I had to call to just hear someone's voice. I was in such a panic, I got sick to my stomach and my vision was blurry. I was straight up scared I was about to die. I was driving very slow but knew I was close to town. The feeling basically made me nervous all morning and it is hard to concentrate on anything. That "what if" is so loud during those attacks it is hard to shake them.
The next day, I was still anxious but functional. Though, I did make a stop at a hospital parking lot just in case and allow myself to calm down.
These feelings I get are very tiring. By the end of the day I am exhausted, which in itself feeds into my fears of panic. On Thursday, I broke into tears at my shoulder surgery followup appointment in the lobby just worried about how my body was behaving. I just don't know what sensations are real or what is created out of panic.
I am happy to say I have a plan after seeing my doctor yesterday. I look forward to just being normal and only concerned of real situations, not those created out of panic or anxiety.
My doctor did not want me driving by myself for 2 hours to Nebraska. Due to the nature of these panic attacks, it would not be safe for me or others on the road should I actually pass out due to uncontrolled panic.
So, here I am sitting at home. Not supporting all of those at the last Lazy Horse event. I am sorry this is the situation on such short notice. It was very hard to inform Jackie I could not make it. I felt I was letting my team down. But, I want to be able to get back to living comfortably and supporting all my gravel biking friends. In order to do that, I have to take this moment and focus on me. On a positive, my other half is there riding on his new knees and I am able to greet one of my daughters returning from college this weekend. So not a total bust.
I realize this may sound like hogwash to some. That maybe this is just crazy female emotions. My husband even attributes it to the true crime podcasts I listen to at night. What he and others don't understand this fear and anxiety comes from within, not the fear of being shot in a dark alley or attacked in a parking lot. I fear my own internal organs shutting down and being alone where no one can help or find me.
Sounds weird and crazy, I am the first to raise my hand, but it is my crazy.
So . . . I have wanted to share about my experience with panic attacks for awhile. I do think there is a correlation of this irrational uncontrolled thought to my cancer diagnosis. I never had anything like this until cancer. The anxiety maybe was always there lurking. Cancer gave it an outlet; that my body can work against me with me knowing it. ..using irrational fears of the mind to conjure up matching symptoms thru tingling legs and arms, nausea, heavy chest, racing heart beat, and blurry vision.
If you made it this far in reading the post, you are amazing. I am happy to report I am on a bumper med as I call it to chill out. My next appointment is this week to see about adjusting my current med I have taken for 5 years to smooth out anxiety. I do have instructions to gain a counselor to work on methods to control these episodes without the need for added medication. My P.A. did say that these are all just pieces to the puzzle. That with changes to sleep habits, nutrition, reducing stressors, learning calming techniques, etc. will help. Doctor said it is not so much changing everything but reorganizing to acquire less stress and in turn lower anxiety that feeds into a panic attack.
There you have it. Now, have a wonderful ride at the Lazy Horse. Eat.Drink.and be Gravely ❤️
