02/20/2026
My wife was 32 when she passed unexpectedly. We had never discussed life after one of us passed so to suddenly have to figure out grief for myself and our daughter was a lot to suddenly face. One of my initial fears was that I would mess up and that would not just affect me but also our daughter. I immediately sought help so that I would not mess up and make mistakes as I began this journey....
..... wow, was I kidding myself.
Let me tell you this today if you do not already know it. You WILL make mistakes along the way as you grieve. Actually, I dont even know if you could call them all mistakes but maybe calling theme "choices you would go back and do differently". See, I made a lot of mistakes, but in hindsight, had I not made some of them I do not think it would have led to other positive things that eventually came. As an example, I had joined a lot of support groups and in doing so found that they are not all the same and that many of the ones I joined were not the right fit and in fact had characteristics that actually pushed me away from seeking further help at that time. This was negative at the time but ultimately was one of the driving reasons why I eventually started my own group, as I wanted to have a place that took all the positives I found in my time at various support groups and leave out the things I found unhelpful.
Something that helped me out at the beginning was when others who were further along on their walk in grief would share choices that they made that they wished they could undo. I though today I would just lay out a few of my own personal mistakes I made so that it gives you perspective and food for thought should you face these same choices. Please note that what I consider a "mistake" for me might be totally a great fit for you. My experience is not yours but its the only one I have that I can share.
- Getting rid of things I though would be too painful to keep. I will say I kept most of the things my wife and I owned, but there were some personal items that I wish I had held onto a little longer
- Not giving myself time to grieve while at work. Some people throw themselves back into their work and the distraction is enough to get them through the day, but there are not many people who can say that the loss of their loved one does not enter their mind even when they are extremely distracted. In hindsight I wish I had discussed with my supervisor that I needed to set aside time mid day to just go out to my car and let it all out.
- Accept help when offered. At the beginning I was overloaded with offers of support not truly realizing two things. One was that the "village" that was supporting me would soon be back to their own busy lives and not as available. The other was not realizing how much I really needed the help, and often, still do. I was too worried about being a burden when I shouldve just taken all that was offered.
- Taking my health more seriously. Not eating, maybe drinking alcohol, not getting enough sleep... all these seem permissable when grieving but not only are they hurting your body, but your mind and emotions will struggle to cope also.
- Turning to "quick fix" remedies. When God didnt seem to help those first few days I sought out mediums, self help books, new age practices, even looked into other religious beliefs. I was advised not to do this but didnt listen. Now as I have totally found my faith in Christ, I shudder at the spiritual harm that I caused myself by falling into that trap. Its a trap I am still working to climb out of. In the end there is no crutch that will heal your grief. At best it may pacify you for a few days but at its worst it can cause more harm than you could ever imagine.
- I spent too much time focused on regrets. If their is one thing grief taught me is that I am not in control of as much in this life as I think I am. That said, most of my regrets I had were of things I never truly couldve controlled. "If I had done this then this wouldve happened" was just another way my mind was trying to take control when it was not in control.
- Probably the BIGGEST mistake I work on overcoming to this day is forgetting that MY WORDS HAVE POWER. The words I utter will predominately help to shape my future. When I said "Ill never be happy again" that wasnt a premonition of what I thought would happen, but it was a declaration of what I was choosing would happen. When I said "I can never go back to that place again because the memories are too painful" that wasnt me realizing that I couldnt ever again revisit places my wife and I enjoyed, but it was me declaring I was choosing not to go. These words were not actually facts unless I spoke them and committed to them that they would become truth. I lost precious moments of peace by allowing my words to draw out my future in a way I didnt want to live
This is just some food for thought. You may take it or leave it but I am choosing to share because grief is not a struggle youre meant to face alone. When you are down, let others help you up. When you are up, help pick up others who are down. Once you know grief and it knows you, you move forward and at times you will rely on others for help, and when you are strong enough that you can do it, you should help those who then can use that hand. As our "village" of support returns to their lives, we become each others new neighbors in this place none of us chose to live but like it or not, are now all neighbors. Go easy on yourself today. If it seems like its one of those days that you just cant do it, remember this.... yesterday was one of those days also, but look....here you are... you made it and you will do it again today. Youve gone through the toughest part... now you will continue to get stronger in ways you never imagined you were capable of. Youll see.
