09/30/2021
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Each love language exists on a spectrum, and it is possible to learn to “speak” all five love languages.
You may express affection to your significant other regularly, but do you truly take the time to make sure you're communicating it the way your partner wants to receive it?
Even love can sometimes get lost in translation when two partners speak different love languages.
We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most."
What is my love language?
To find your type, read the following statements and mark the ones that deeply resonate with you.
Filter it through:
How do you show love?
What do you complain about in a relationship? What do you request or actively need from your partner on a day-to-day basis?
The one with the most statements you resonate with is your primary love language. If two or more languages are tied for first place (which is common!), use the process of elimination and work your way down the list until you are left with one or two languages that you are not willing to part with.
I personally believe it also depends on gender, culture, customs, and values," Alex BBliss notes. "
Certain love languages which are prevalent in the West are much less common in non-Western cultures.
For example, in my experience living in Asian culture, directly praising someone is very uncomfortable and often not well received. Instead, praising that person to a third party is more highly valued when they hear about what you said about them through the grapevine. Also, public display of affection between spouses or romantic partners is also a major taboo."
Love languages are a deceptively simple concept, and understanding them can be transformative if you put in the practical work. It invites curiosity, not mind-reading, into the relationship.
Here are some tips for dating people with each type of love language:
Words of affirmation: Words mean everything, so choose them wisely. Err on the side of positivity, and communications will flourish. When you notice the good things, say it and say it often. Try not to engage in nonconstructive criticism—words have an impact and leave a lasting impression.
Quality time: Carve out intentional space in your schedule for time together. It could be as simple as going for a walk together outside (an exciting pandemic activity) and having a good in-depth conversation about your day. Leave the phones at home.
Acts of service: Go above and beyond with your actions to show your love. Don't always make it about chores—people have different interpretations of what this love language means to them, so ask them directly what they need. Display vigilance by anticipating how you could make their life easier. Those little acts add up and can make all of the difference.
Gifts: They will remember the special occasions, so make sure to mark it on the calendar and honor the day and your partner with a thoughtful gift. Win extra Brownie points with a "just because" gift. It could be as simple as a hand-picked flower from the garden or getting them a cute keychain from a favorite travel destination. Those small gestures can celebrate the relationship in a big way.
Touch: Tender caresses and physical affection are everything. This love language is refreshingly straightforward, easy to satisfy, and doesn't involve a lot of planning, exertion, or money. It's as easy as reaching out for connection by squeezing their arm while you're watching a movie or tapping their butt when you walk by them. Simple.
ALEX BBliss Criticisms of the love language theory.
Fast-forward to the present day, almost 30 years from the book's publication. As popular as the concept is, many people have since pointed out problems with the love languages.
Some people can use the love languages theory as a sort of personality test, despite the fact that Chapman's whole point is that we're supposed to adapt ourselves to our partner's love language, not demand they use ours.
Indeed, recent research revealed couples being aligned with each other's love language wavelength doesn't exactly mean it makes a successful and happy relationship.
Couples who shared the same love language weren't happier than the couples who had differing styles, suggesting mastering fluency over the love language system and adapting it based on what the partner needs at the moment is more valuable than solely relying on a dominant love language type.
"It promotes codependency and prevents partners from developing autonomy and authenticity," Alex Bbliss adds.
"A relationship is a place for transformation and growth.
When we limit each other with a specific love language, we do not allow room for change."
The broad concepts, which lean on its practical simplicity, can also feel too simplistic since it's not completely inclusive of sexuality, culture, trauma, and intergenerational differences in nuanced communities.
There needs to be an understanding that human relationships are a complicated reflection of their childhood wounds and attachment style, !) BBLISS.biz points out:
"I believe that once the person heals the wounds of their past relationships and develops a healthy attachment style, their love language also changes."
In general, it's important not to use love languages as a universal salve to remedy issues.
It's clear we need more skill sets than those in our tool kit to face problems that may exist below the surface of our relationship.
The bottom line.
Love languages are a useful tool to improve how we communicate and express ourselves to each other, but they shouldn't be the be-all-and-end-all solution for happiness. Instead, it should function as a starting point that sets couples on a journey to meet each other in a more profound way and self-regulate better.
But the work shouldn't stop there.
