07/07/2026
One of the hardest things about raising sons is understanding just how powerful the need to belong really is.
The tragic death of 18-year-old Nolan Wells has left many parents with questions, and while the investigation continues, it has also sparked conversations about friendship, loyalty, and the choices our sons make.
As a psychologist, one thing immediately came to mind:
Maslow placed belonging before esteem.
Think about that.
Before confidence...
Before achievement...
Before reaching their full potential...
Young people are wired to ask one question:
“Where do I belong?”
That need is so strong that boys will sometimes:
Ignore red flags to stay connected.
Stay loyal to unhealthy friendships.
Go along with situations that make them uncomfortable.
Remain silent because they fear losing their place in the group.
Not because they lack character.
Because the need to belong is a powerful human drive.
This is why, when I work with parents and schools, I encourage them to look beyond behavior and ask:
“What need is my son trying to meet?”
If we don’t help our sons find healthy places to belong, they’ll often settle for places where they’re merely accepted.
And there is a difference.
As parents, our goal isn’t to choose our sons’ friends forever.
Our goal is to teach them what healthy friendship looks like.
To help them recognize when loyalty becomes dangerous.
To remind them that real friends don’t ask you to compromise your values, your safety, or your future.
And perhaps one of the most important lessons we can teach them is this:
Never mistake acceptance for belonging.
Belonging allows you to be yourself.
Acceptance sometimes asks you to become someone else.
That lesson may be one of the greatest protective factors we can give our sons.
