04/15/2024
Let's talk about the fawn/appease response. (A.k.a. that thing that you do because you need to go along to get along and you're too exhausted to do anything else. ) This response helps us survive in so many situations and keeps us connected to caregivers and communities. It also happens when our nervous system is dysregulated and outside our "window of tolerance" alternately called the "window of presence." This window is the sweet spot for your nervous system, where you're not panicked or dissociated (A.k.a. when you are showing up for your own life).
When you are consistently overwhelmed, the pleasing and appeasing response can become a default mode. It is usually very well received and reinforced by others and usually helps manage our own short term distress. The issue is that over time consistently denying one's own wants and needs leads to burnout, bitterness, and sometimes even loss of identity which is common in those with complex trauma. You may no longer even be able to identify your wants and needs if you've only ever attempted to mold yourself into what others need. This actually increases distress thereby making it harder to regulate, becoming a vicious cycle.
When you begin to work on regulating your nervous system it starts to interrupt this cycle. If you slow down enough to consider what's going on in your body for a few seconds you're already beginning to be curious about what it needs. Even if it's just a glass of water or to close you're eyes for a moment it's something. And when you do more regulating and if your body no longer feels as overwhelmed, you get closer to being within that window. And when you're in your window you have more time and space to consider things such as what you actually want and what you don't want. Which is why sometimes it's only when you're in your window of tolerance that you can accurately determine what you won't tolerate.
