09/07/2026
Foggy, but familiar…
Those words came to me yesterday as I worked on formulating an update, and I feel they also offered an explanation, perhaps, for why I have not, up to this point…As to why I have been a bit (and justifiably) stalled… Much of the delay, I will admit, has to do with my utter state of fogginess. I am physically tired, though I have been actually getting a bit of sleep, albeit interrupted, but at least more than I often do during these hospital sessions, having had some nights in the past of averaging less than 3 hours of pseudo-rest… And while I have certainly had times bearing witness to my children’s near-death and death, and I don’t feel that’s what’s happening right at this moment, there is something in particular about Isadora landing in this space, in this way, that has opened up a new pathway on her journey in that direction… Or, in truth, being that it is the beginning of her gut shutting down, that pathway no longer functioning as it should, that would ultimately mean her demise, as it was for Gianna and Giacomo, and could easily be Lukas as well, given that this whole experience is very much like the one that we had with him last March…
So, we’re now solidly over a week into what was initially not anticipated to be a hospitalization at all, and if that, perhaps a couple of days…However, one would think that at this point, now having spent the greater portion of a year of my life in collective hospital stays with my kids, I would stop with the whole speculation thing… I had been hopeful a few days ago that maybe we would be home by the weekend, which then shifted to home by Monday, but now that it’s Sunday, that’s not even a remote possibility, so we’re keeping our eye on the prize of her making it out of here in time for her first dance class, which isn’t until Saturday…
In an effort to maintain Isadora’s privacy, I won’t give full details of her ailment, but I will just say that her digestive system is very clearly NOT functioning as it’s supposed to be, as a result of the myotonic dystrophy (DM) negatively impacting the muscular function of her gastrointestinal system, much more severely than it has been in the past. We dealt with this in a similar fashion with her last January, and I had thought that it was under control, which has proven to be completely false. It is now abundantly clear that there is no getting her “back to normal,” which will not occur, but to a new starting point, so that we can determine what medication’s and treatment methods will work best to prevent this from happening in such a severe manner in the future, thus establishing a “new normal,” hoping that whatever techniques we land on will last, for at least a while.
We started this process to resolve Isadora’s gut last Saturday and stayed that particular course for three days, during which time she still was in significant pain in her belly, head, and back. By Monday, I realized it was probably time to change the plan, repeat the abdominal X-ray to see exactly what, if any, progress had been made, and to very likely bring out some bigger guns to attack the dysmotility demons. Unfortunately, despite my mentioning it and requesting that GI come in to consult, none of this took place until Wednesday. And while some of this had to do with things being notably worse than we thought it, much of the delay has largely been from a communication breakdown between teams, or what I have commonly referred to as folks here playing “The Most Effed Up Game of Telephone, EVER”…and not inviting the most pivotal, skilled, and experienced—dare I say EXPERT—player to the game…which, of course, is ME…
This combination of being in a situation that is so familiar, in SOOO many ways, is largely contributing to the stress that I know is causing my fogginess, my inability to fully think clearly, and feeling as though I’m going to break down at any moment in time. Of course I’m doing what I always do, which is trying to hold it all together and put on a bright face for my kids, but they are also highly intuitive and aware, not to mention they’re also feeling the déjà vu of this place, and the DM digestive debacle, so I know they have a sense of how rough this is for me…Overall, I have been able to maintain the emotional dam in place to keep my tears at bay, but I have definitely had moments of having to just cry all by myself, typically during the quick drives back and forth home to fetch/deliver Lukas and other necessary supplies that come with unexpectedly prolonged hospital stays…Sitting in my own cloud of incredulity, despite having the knowledge that this is very real, it is very scary, and, ultimately, it doesn’t end well…
Though I was understandably not pleased with the poor communication between teams, having had a great deal of experience with this sort of thing in the past, thankfully I also have a great deal of experience with having to advocate for my children, so come Thursday rounds, I calmly, but firmly (and maybe with a few tears) explained to the team why I was so frustrated, how I felt like we had spent 2+ days making zero progress in Isadora’s recovery, offering a condensed version of my tragic tale as reinforcement as to why we cannot just let Isadora fall through the cracks of a shattered system, and that I NEEDED them to improve the collaboration with all parties involved, including and especially…me…
As I mentioned earlier, this has been largely a positive experience as far as provider collaboration goes, which remains to be true, and I do believe that they listened to me. There have been some improvements in the team making a more concerted effort to close the loop with one another and round either together or in a relatively close timeframe to ensure that the plan of care remains more consistent. Additionally, I have requested/confirmed that the neurology team remains to be, overall, “the bosses” of Isadora, having final say in big decisions, including, but not limited to, when it is deemed safe for her to go home, as they are the ones who understand this beyond complicated, predictably unpredictable disease better than the other specialties and general peds team (and who have acknowledged multiple times during this stay that I probably know it even better than they do)…
We will remain here for an undisclosed amount of time, as my baby is still very much lingering around in the woods, with a body that is tired, in pain, and clearly not functioning as it should be or has been, along with a spirit that is discouraged and worried, and I will say that today has brought about even more concern, as she is completely wiped out and fell alseep for the night long before the sun had even considered setting…
We have done our best to try to distract and uplift her with a variety of games, art therapy, visitors, canine buddies (with extra fun for therapy dog legend, Fern’s birthday festivities), walks to stir our blood, music, and various forms of clear liquids not found on the hospital menu. She has put out a request for some more friends to stop by, so if you’re reading this and are so inclined, feel free to head over and fulfill this desire for her, as this sweet girl is deserving of all the love, kindness, and healing energy she can get…
And this mama will remain, for now, in the state of foggy familiarity…With a mind clouded by worry, frustration, disbelief, uncertainty, and shock, a heart that throbs with feelings of love, sadness, grief—both anticipatory and present, unbearable pain, and gratitude for the care, kindness, and support that we have encountered thus far, and a spirit that must remain cautiously optimistic, in spite of having traversed through this bewildering, murky haze of myotonic dystrophy-induced digestive failure twice before…