12/23/2023
Are you excited?
This is a question I’ve been asked a lot lately in response to the news that .touch.of.jing and are expecting.
Often in a way that implies this is the only thing I should feel.
Yes, excitement is present. More accurately, exuberance to offer what I wasn’t to another human and approach parenting with intention and creativity.
But the experience of entering parenthood comes with it a tapestry of experiences and a wide spectrum of emotions.
Some that feel alive for me include
Fear of putting them in harms way unintentionally by not informing myself about some danger of threat unbeknownst to me? Growing up with a special needs sibling, this feels extremely real.
Becoming a lame or bland person who has become worn down by the minutiae of the daily grind
Will Jing and I’s relationship be as fulfilling or will we become roommates with the shared responsibility of parenting?
The fear of how irreversible stepping into parenthood is.
The overwhelming feeling that there is an infinite amount to learn in order to be a “good parent”
Will I feel paralyzed by the financial burden?
Being judged by others for my decisions as a parent
Acceptance that I may insufferable to my child in some way I have yet to fathom.
Fear of repeating the patterns of my parents
These questions or feelings don’t color my moment to moment experience, but they occasionally punctuate my mood as I step into the role of father. And on some
level, I feel it would be irrational to
not indulge in this wider spectrum of emotional experience.