09/07/2026
Some absolutely wonderful and sage tips from a parent!!
My Autistic Kids Will Never Learn.... (according to their elders)
____________________________
I didn't realize, when my children got Autism diagnoses,
that every Karen, Chad,
and Principal Grump,
would be an expert, on my kids.
____________________________
But somehow, they were. 😏
Or they THOUGHT they were.
And they assured me, that unless I did things THEIR way, my kids would never learn.
___________________________
Too bad for them, I have selective hearing.
😉
Ultimately, I followed my instincts and did whatever I could, to help my kids feel
SAFE and SUPPORTED.
___________________________
And now a decade after diagnosis, it turns out, that with
empathy,
encouragement,
modeling calm,
and giving them as many breaks from masking as I can....
My PDA Autistic, ADHD teens, are THRIVING.
____________________________
So, what are a few things I did differently, than the "authorities" told me to?
Here are 7!
_____________________________
1) I stopped correcting my kids' behaviors, if my only motivation was "People are staring."
It turned out,
that my kids could stay in public spaces longer, if I let them
sit on the floor,
tucked shoeless into a corner,
humming to themselves.
And it turned out,
that after a few successful outings to a new location, they didn't NEED to hum or hide in corners, so much.
Learning to cope with staring was a challenge, but it was worth it!
Now they go practically everywhere, and blend in better than I did, at their age. (Turns out I was undiagnosed Autistic, too!)
_____________________________
2) I got rid of punishments.
Neurodivergent kids "act out" because of
dysregulation,
impulsivity,
a lack of understanding,
or an inability to think clearly because of stress.
Those aren't things you
can punish, out of them.
In fact, punishments make it WORSE.
____________________________
3) I worked really hard SEEMING calm, even if I didn't actually FEEL calm.
This one was hard. My Boomer parents didn't have much patience with me, and I had never learned HEALTHY self regulation.
But it helped to imagine I was being filmed, for a celebrity nanny job.
And after a while, learning to
take deep breaths,
slow my pounding heart,
reduce sensory input,
ignore "papparazi,"
lower my self-expectations,
and get a cold drink,
taught me to ACTUALLY find my calm center.
But in the meantime, my kids calmed down more quickly,
because they felt SAFER
when I seemed like
I had it all together.
___________________________
4) I embraced their special interests, no matter how weird!!
Did I get strange looks when my 4 year old child wanted to invite his peers to a Mummy unwrapping party?
Yup.
Did people think I was nuts when I let my daughter dress up as an Airplane, for 3 months?
Yes.
Did the 3 year Minecraft stage drive me bonkers?
A bit.
But embracing their special interests is a way to CONNECT with them, and make them feel loved.
Plus, I could use special interests to TEACH them.
(My kids never understood the color chart Zones of Regulation...
but they liked cats...
and if I asked them, if they felt more like a Sabretooth Tiger, a Panther, or a Housecat, they could articulate their emotional state, so much better!)
____________________________
5) I focused on Multi-generational or Whole Family playdates.
My children were often puzzled by their peers,
but were drawn to the familiar games of younger kids,
or drawn to the patience and relative calm of older folks.
I soon found that if my Autistic children were going to learn skills like turn taking, making conversation, or sharing with peers,
it was going to work best when there were adults around,
to help clear up miscommunications, and to offer social cues.
_____________________________
6) I Stopped Measuring Success By the Developmental Checklists
This one was hard.
I had read ALL the parenting books.
I have degrees in Anthropology and Child Development.
But it turns out, those checklists don't really work outside a clinical context,
and I'm not raising lab specimens, I'm raising human beings.
Autism Levels?
Largely unhelpful.
They have Sensory good days, and Executive Functioning bad days.
Communication fluid days, and I forgot-to-eat-or-wear-trousers, days.
The level doesn't tell me what makes them tick or what their potential is.
It's mostly just a shorthand for,
"my kid can talk and use a toilet
but is noticeably different/stressed out,
and might forget to use the toilet on time or not realize they should STOP talking,
so I'd rather stay and
chaperone their outing."
It turns out, that what matters most is PROGRESS, and that can come in so many forms!!
At 9, my child learned to speak up, when they were being bullied.
At 11, they learned to ride a bike without training wheels.
At 12, my child could write their name without help or a meltdown.
At 13, they made a friend, all on their own.
That was ALL progress! And I don't CARE what timeline its on.
They DID it!
Next stop....Independent hair washing!
_____________________________
7) I gave up on the idea that THEIR Education needed to be like MY Education.
First of all, I'm 45.
I grew up, writing papers with pencils and cursive. I didn't use a computer until high school.
Its a different world, now!
So why, should I try to hammer long division, Shakespeare, chemistry, penmanship, and Freud,
into kids who carry mini libraries in their pocket and
have YouTube tutorials on
almost every practical skill?
A classic education (or even a STEM one) isn't necessarily going to prepare them for the real world.
But what MIGHT help, is teaching them to
think critically,
dress for the occasion,
keep hygienic,
stay SAFE
swim
(Autism and dr*wning are linked!)
orient themselves,
show reciprocity,
maintain a conversation,
express pain effectively to doctors,
recognize needs v. wants,
self-motivate
ask for accomodation,
cope with sensory overload,
identify Interoceptive signals
shop around,
advocate,
self-reflect,
recognize friendship,
keep safe,
set clear expectations,
apologize,
network with neighbors,
demonstrate responsibility,
fact check,
manage their time,
cope with anxiety,
self-soothe,
read pramatic language cues,
find a place to belong.
And if you are struggling with any of those....
there may be
Occupational Therapists,
Speech Therapists,
or Play Therapists who can help!
____________________________
Now tell me....
What is something you wish YOUR caregivers taught you?
___________________________
I wish I had known more about how bodies TYPICALLY work.
It would have saved me so much suffering if I had known--
rolled ankles aren't supposed to happen twice a month,
school attendance isn't supposed to cause nausea,
excitement isn't supposed to cause fevers,
bodies don't commonly take 2 hours to fall asleep,
and you aren't supposed to get strep throat twice a year, every year.
