03/28/2026
I have been thinking about relationships in recovery. I have sadly had to let go of some friends a long the way which has not been easy. It might have felt judgmental to the person I had to move away from but now I realize it’s more about consciousness and my nervous system feeling safe.
Here are my thoughts - take what you need and leave the rest:
One of the most important insights I have come to understand is the difference between conscious co-regulation and unconscious relating.
In conscious relationships, two people can co-regulate. They can sense each other’s nervous systems with awareness, take responsibility for their own internal state, and offer a steady presence to one another. There is mutuality. Both people can give and receive. Both people are willing to do their own inner work.
In unconscious relationships, this dynamic does not exist in the same way. One person often becomes the relationship's regulator - the one expected to remain calm, loving, giving, and steady. The other person relies on that energy but does not know how to meet it or return it. They may not have done the work to develop the capacity to self-regulate, let alone co-regulate.
Looking back, I can see how this pattern showed up in many of my relationships with both women and men. I brought a deep desire to love, support, and give. At the same time, I often found myself in relationships where the other person could receive but could not meet me when I needed support in return.
This imbalance created a lack of safety over time. This wasn't because anyone was intentionally harmful, but because the capacity for mutual regulation was not there.
What I have learned is that love alone is not enough. Capacity matters. Emotional responsibility matters. The ability to both self-regulate and co-regulate matters.
As I continue to grow, I am learning to value relationships where there is mutual awareness, where both people are willing to do their work, and where support flows in both directions. I am also learning to recognize when a relationship asks me to carry more than my nervous system can sustainably hold.
This awareness has changed how I relate. It helps me move toward relationships that are safer, more reciprocal, and more aligned with my well-being.
